"Why did you burn my toast?" I asked him.
He sat there, blinking at me with his shining buttons and flashing colored lights. On his polished, metal surface, protected beneath a curved dome of glass, was a monitor that listed external temperature, estimated time remaining, and internal temperature of the toast. There was even a special gauge inside that measured the brownness of the toast to ascertain that each slice would never be overcooked.
And yet, despite all these safeguards, my toast was still burnt. What should have been a crispy golden brown was, in fact, hard and black and foul smelling.
The colored lights blinked at me and I glared. What the hell?
My toaster stared back at me, expression unfathomable, although I thought I saw a glimmer of smug condescension in his surface. This was abnormal. Usually he was happy to see me. Making my toast was the highlight of his day.
"What's wrong, Hal?" I asked. "Hal" was what I'd named my toaster, after my defunct blender, which I'd named after my runaway parakeet, who I'd named after my dead Grandpa.
Screw it. There was no reason for him to treat me this way! I gave him a friggin' heritage along with his name! I talked to him in the mornings and listened to his woes!
All he had to do was make me toast, but did he do that? No!
I crossed my arms and frowned at him, trying to look both stern, yet open to lines of communication.
Hal stared back at me. If he'd had eyebrows, one of them would have been raised in a silent expression of expectation.
But what could he expect from me? It wasn't like I'd burned his toast.
"What do you want from me?" I demanded. "It's not like I ask for much. Just toast! Is that so much to want in the morning?"
No response.
"Oh ho!" I said. "I get it now! You're trying to drive me away from you, aren't you? I bet you'd be perfectly happy if I just had cereal! Or even worse, if I had some eggs over easy, made on that slut of a stove!"
As before, the toaster responded with nothing but silence, but, looking at his polished, silver exterior, I began to realize that there was something judgmental about him. Something...condemning.
But what? What could I have done to deserve this treatment? I wasn't the one who'd ruined Hal's breakfast. Why did I feel like I was the one to blame?
The blackened, ruined toast smoldered at me and I smelled the sooty, burned scent of vindication. Quick as lightning, realization hit. I understood. Perhaps, despite Hal's actions, I really was the guilty party after all.
Feeling a wave of shame crash over me, I remembered what I'd done yesterday. Briefly I conjectured as to how Hal could've found out, but not for very long. It was my fault, I knew it, and really, I'd deserved the blackened breakfast.
Yesterday, while shopping at the department store for a new blender, I'd happened upon the most beautiful, most impressive toaster I'd ever seen. It was called the Toast-a-matic 3001 and it was an upgrade.
Hal, god bless his soul, was merely a Toast-a-matic 3000. A lesser model. He had fewer shiny buttons, fewer blinking lights, and his display monitor didn't even have the local time listed, or the alarm clock.
It was shameful to admit, but I'd stroked the 3001's smoother, more streamlined exterior and played, every so briefly, with its handle.
No wonder Hal had burned my toast.
I hung my head, guilt eating me as I understood completely. I was such a toaster slut.
"I'm so sorry!" I said, but Hal just blinked at me impassively.
"Really," I said. "That 3001 isn't nearly so dignified."
Hal said nothing, but his largest, reddest button blinked, almost involuntarily. I took it as a good sign and plunged onward.
"You're a classic," I told him, lowering my voice to a seductive growl. "Why would I want something untested and probably riddled with design errors?
"Think about it logically, Hal," I continued. "Who needs to replace perfection?"
The unlit buttons, the colored lights, and even the display monitor burst into life, flashing and blinking and shining at me as I grinned, relieved that I wouldn't have to resort to cereal for breakfast.
My second attempt at toast resulted in perfection, each slice cooked to an identical shade of golden brown on either side. Pulling the two pieces out of the slot, I slathered them with raspberry jam and bit down.
Delicious. Absolutely delicious. So much better than Capt'n Crunchberries.
Breakfast done, I wiped my hands on a towel and gave the toaster a fond pat on its side. I had one last stop to make before I left for work.
Walking down the hallway, I stood in front of the wooden bathroom door and contemplated.
A love/hate relationship almost always added complication to daily activities, and this was one of the worst.
Opening the door, I faced the toilet and hoped for the best.
She was porcelain, expensive, and her name was Susan.
Author notes
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hehehe, okay, I know this isn't _hard_ science fiction, but it should at least qualify for Science Fluff. Why? Because it contains machinery! And shiny buttons! And gizmo-like descriptions!
Maybe?
Hehe. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading it. Constructive criticism is welcome, as is copious amounts of praise. Whichever.
Please leave a review.
A contest entry
- There Are Options!!! yay!! by just-a-lonely-girl.
225 points, ended August 12, 2007, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Overly Done Contest Idea by Andrew Timothy.
250 points, ended August 30, 2007, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Ode To Passion by Asfand.
425 points, ended September 13, 2007, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me! Don't Tell Me! by Saej.
700 points, ended September 23, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes! Well...there ARE limits I guess. by Fragments Of Dreams.
100 points, ended November 25, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
Ha! This was really funny, made me grin. Imagine! Very witty writing here, and I love it, nothing I didn't like about this.
-
that was really good! i love it! it was so simple that i wasn't bored do my death with discriptions, and i wasn't wanting it to stop so good job!
-
Wow. That's really all I can say to this. Amazing, simply amazing. This made me laugh.
I couldn't find any spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. You know, all the stuff one usually looks for so they can discount the story in some way. You word choices were spectacular, and the flow of this piece was dead on. Great job.
Thanks for the amazingly wonderful contest entry. I wish you the best of luck, though I think your skill bests luck.
Kudos! -
I choose to leave copius amounts of praise, because this story was flippin' awesome. And I love gizmo-like descriptions!
I think that stove-slut should be named Pamela...
-
Be proud!
~*~ Luminosity that lights the darkness,
a simple companion, a wondorous friend,
such obsession, such love,
such addiction to material,
the little teddy bear,
simply stares in emptiness ~*~
This deserves a pat on the head! This was brilliant and imginative. The creativity and wit is clearly visible. Unlike other humour stories, this was not 'cliche silliness' but rather a wonderous and intellectual write.
This was really funny, cute and just a great, unique piece of writing. Loved it! -
A great read. Thanks so much for your entry and good luck in the SW Presents contest.
-
That was absolutely hilarious!
I loved the characterization of Hal. A toaster acting like a scorned lover. Priceless. I love your style and will attempt to read more from you in the future.
-
I didn't comment on this? I know I read it! A cute story, with some very funny pieces and lines.
Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.
-
THANK YOU!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
Anaya Roma
-
Ahhh!
I had a huge smile on the whole time I read this. Absolutely adorable and amusing. I feel guilty about my appliances, sometimes too. Cute ending; this story is publish worthy.
-
Geri (Clapping hands) nice job.
You made this dark and gloomy morning nice and bright (g). I never have toast for breakfast, but reading this conversation with Hal, made me have to have some. That was when I realized that the only machinery in the house with names that I regularly communicate with are the computers. Of course their names are communicable. “You ‘B’ or S-O-B are commonly inflicted on another. Now you made me realize other appliances need to be personalized. I really appreciated that and enjoyed your character’s conversation with Hal.
After stifling my giggles so as not to offend. The bread went in the toaster, I patted Sam. Stupid ‘Sam’ didn’t even acknowledge the fact I pushed him down. Oh well, at the rate things are working around here, I should have everything named by weeks end.
Thank you so much for the information and fun read.
beginning: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
"She was porcelain, expensive, and her name was Susan," a wonderful ending.
Very nicely done, the only thing I reccomend is that when you list things, try not to use so many "and"s. As in "hard and black and foul smelling" ('hard, black, and foul smelling' works better).
Otherwise a very nice read. Thanks for entering and good luck!
-
if I had some eggs over easy, made on that slut of a stove!"
made me laugh lots
susan omg this was really entertaining good luck in the contest.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
-
haha
that was hilarious. I almost fell off my seat laughing. I especially liked this part:
Opening the door, I faced the toilet and hoped for the best.
She was porcelain, expensive, and her name was Susan.
-
LOL! I loved it. My favorite part:
"Hal" was what I'd named my toaster, after my defunct blender, which I'd named after my runaway parakeet, who I'd named after my dead Grandpa.
Very silly, easy read. Awesome job. And good luck in the contests.
-
Loved it!!!! I will never look at my toaster the same way again. Thanks for the new prespective
~*Brooke*~☺ -
I loved it. It's absolutely adorable. I have no suggestions for you. I thought the ending was a wee bit cheesey, but it worked. This was smart and witty. A very pleasant read.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
-
Heh heh
WEll... I dunno if I'd count it as sci-fi, or "sci-fluff" even...but it was pretty entertaining anyway! lol. Even tho it's after 6 a.m., and I haven't slept a wink...it still kept me reading from start to finish due to it's oddly curious storyline and humor.
I just know whenever I click on your stuff, I'm in for a fascinating read, and so far, you've never let me down! Nice joby!
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
