There you are, hunched over the crusty table in the staff lounge of our local discount chain store; your bright blue smock mischievously blocking the view of your tender hands, obviously at motion. You don't notice me walk up beside you because you are engrossed in very difficult level in Super Mario 64 on your hand held Nintendo game. As I sit in the chair next to yours, your blue-green eyes quickly glance away from your temptress and behold first my hand, then my outrageous blue smock and finally my chocolate brown eyes.
I smile at you and ask, "Do you mind if I sit here?". You grin and shake your head as if to say, "Someone wants to sit with me?" and you close your game to give me your full attention.
You aren't my usual type you know. I always loved a man with a broad body, sun-kissed blond hair with white high lights, bright blue eyes that even the sun would envy. The classic beach boy was my thing. But the beach boys all have a problem. They love themselves too much.
You are different. When you look at me, your soul shines through your eyes and pierces my very heart. You say every word like you mean it and nothing you say was unintentional. From the second that your eyes meet mine, I know I'm a goner. You are my reason to be.
You tell me a stupid joke and I giggle, although at the time I don't realize why. You speak to me in soft tones that only I can hear and I blush, betraying myself to you. You touch my hand, a simple gesture to hand me your toy and I feel my entire soul gyrate at the merest mention of your touch. You rocked me inside and out all by being yourself.
"I'm going to go and grab something to eat," you say, looking sad. I feel sad too, because I know our special moment is almost over.
"Okay." I say, "If I'm not here when you get back, I had the best lunch ever today." You grin and walk out the door, turning to look at me one last time before your departure. A wave from me.
I pull out a piece of paper, feeling silly and exhilarated all at once. I grin as I write.
"Dear Mat,
I had to go back to work, but here's my number. Call me sometime Okay? 555-5555
Nikki"
Author notes
This is based on the first time that I spoke to my now husband. He has given me such a beautiful life thus far, and every time I think about the happiest moment of my life, he is right there beside me.
A contest entry
- The happiest moment in your life by iPoopAThug.
350 points, ended August 12, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I need help with grammar... don't be too harsh okay?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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"Do you mind if I sit here".
should be
"Do you mind if I sit here?"
"someone wants to sit with me?"
should be
"Someone wants to sit with me?"
"I'm going to go and grab something to eat" you say, looking sad.
should be
"I'm going to go and grab something to eat," you say, looking sad.
if you'd like more examples let me know
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I'd love more examples. It is very important to me to improve my writing skills. Considering I should be graduating from University this year you'd think I'd have learned all of this stuff already. And yet, grammar is a lost art for me.
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"But the beach buys all had a problem." should be beach boys.
I have to say this is really sweet, I wish there was more background between the meeting. I mean did you have a good knowledge of him at all or did you suddenly just fall madly in love in one encounter?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks, I think so too. The awesome thing is that it really happened that way. That was the first time we ever talked to each other, but just talking to him that one time, I knew he was going to be important in my life. We dated for about a year and a half before we got married. It moved really quickly, and yeah I think I did just suddenly fall madly in love in that encounter. It sounds so silly, but its true. Thanks for your wonderful comments!
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Watch tenses, most of your story is in present tense so you want to try to stay there. If it skips, it tends to throw off the flow of the story.
Watch punctuation, especially around dialogue.
This is a sweet story. You've got a good base here. A little tweaking can only enhance what you have already. Good luck in your contest. -
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could you give me a specific example of punctuation around the dialogue? This is something that I have been struggling with for a while and I could really use the pointers. Thanks,
Nikki
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