Stoli

Reality vs the mind. Desperation vs sex. What are we? Who are You? Trent Reznor wants to be closer to god. Why do I keep watching the Real World? My brother thinks he’s going to survive in New York. You can’t help my isolation. I am stuck in this room. You can’t help my absence of faith. I am stuck in this hell. When you don’t believe in god and you don’t believe in love you are only left with apathy. Why aren’t we all filled with apathy? You get me closer to god. This water I’m drinking isn’t helping to take the edge off all the vodka I had. Kurt Vonnegut died a few weeks ago. One day I am going to die. One day we will all die. Death is frightening and basic at the same time. I want my mind to turn off. I want my thoughts to go away. I want to have sex and not think about anything else. I steal my own parents drugs. Nothing is what it seems. You can’t help my isolation. I drink more water and feel more depressed. My parents think I’m going to kill myself. What do you think? What does a reader think? A reader is supposed to believe that the writer is god, but I am not god…I’m just like you. Just another soul. Just another guy. Just another junkie looking for his next fix. Just another human drinking his water because it’s suppose to cure my impending hangover. Get yourself together. My cousin reminds me too much of myself and my psychologist agrees. Reincarnation before death. He’s going to do drugs with me. I’m going to do drugs with myself. Dead end roads, forgotten morals. Who has the answers? Alcohol? My parents think I’m suicidal. Do you? What is the opposite of suicidal? Who says death is better than life. I’m trying to finish my next shitty book, but I think I’m starting to fall apart. My mind is becoming warped. Logic escapes me. Why do I keep watching the real world? One of the roommates cheated against two of the girls in the house. This makes me happy. An asian kid killed over thirty people on his college campus. Does this relate to me? We were the same age. More water. Cure that hangover. It’s not going to stop. My fingers keep typing and my mind is sluggish. What happens when the body becomes more active than the mind? I cut my hair recently because I wanted to attract more females. I e-mailed this girl a few weeks ago and she never wrote back. She was hot and all, but kind of shaded me out. It turns out all my family members are on drugs. Just say no!!! The drugs are taking over, reality is shrienking. Sorta like some really shitty David Lynch movie. Why do I make pop culture references when I’m most likely the only person who will ever read this passage? My room isn’t quite spinning yet, but it’s certainly not stable. Maybe it’s a tornado. That would be a first. My cat looked at me today. I think she knows I’m losing it. She’s older than me, so she’s wiser. My cats have it made. They lay around all day and have a person feed them. They do absolutely nothing. Why do humans feel like we have to do something? Why do I feel like typing drunkenly awaiting my impending hangover? On the real world people have feelings and opinions and have big tits and long dicks. That is the Real fucking world. I must be living in the fake world. The world of depression and isolation. A world of sleepless nights wondering how my next shitty book should end. My psychologist looks at me like I know something, as if I have intelligence. I am the lowest form of animal life on the planet. I know how pathetic I am and I choose to live out my existence. Can’t waste a day when the night brings a Hurst. Toomy Lee Jones looks like someone squeezed all the fluids out of him and then shoved him in front of a camera. Fucking actors. People pretending to be people. God forbid anyone actually create something of intellect. No this society must worship people who pretend to be other people. Posers of imposters. Should I break my habits? And go where exactly? College? The epitomy of clichéd lifelessness. As if this room has anything going on. I miss my friends, but they don’t miss me, which makes me want to play it cool. I’ve been playing it cool for three years. Did you know I should have been a smoker? Something stopped me. I wonder what that was. Maybe I just knew I’d be doing a cornucopia of drugs anyway so cigarettes didn’t really matter all that much. How did I end up like this? How did I get here? I think I’m more interested in that question than where am I going. Sometimes I see a girl who gives me the eye and I stare back at her. Nothing happens of course, but there is that moment. Moments are what keep me alive. Without moments we are merely embedded in stupidity. The talking heads just came on my Ipod. More water. My cousin does a lot of coke and valium, but she has two kids. I think she is going to convince my brother to move out with her. Good thing I’m already too insane for her to corrupt me. I don’t have girlfriends, I have hopes. My mom gave me carnivorous plants for my birthday. Do you think a carnivorous plant could eat me? Who are you? Who is the person reading this? I know it’s not just me. What are you thinking? Who cares about my opinions…I want to know about you. Did you see that dot dot dot I did in the last sentence, that’s called artistic style, I’m sure that is way over your head. If you are listening I just want you to know that once upon a time I was a very cool guy. I was a guy that could get you places like parties and drugs and girls. Yes sir, mam, person. You’ve run into a genuine cool guy. I watch the real world and so forth. My fingers keep typing, while my brain tires out. Outkast comes blaring onto my Ipod trying to wake me up, so I switch it over to Cube. Cool out. My parents are coming back tomorrow. I dread seeing my father’s sorry melon ass head, acting like he knows me. My parents are aliens. They are interested in carpet designs and News stories and Barmistvas and fountains and helping people. Can you think of worse monsters than parents? Knowing who your creator is horrible enough, but having to live with them is almost catastrophic. Of course I choose to live here. So judge me as you will. I know you already have. I’m starting to get a sense of who you are. You’re not like me. I know that much. There aren’t many like me if any at all. Ice Cube says it was a good day. Cool out. Jen on the Real World just hooked up with another weird looking guy. I’m pretty sure I look better than that. More Water.