As she walked down the streets of Whitechapel, Samantha kept looking over her shoulder. She had the strangest feeling that she was being watched. As the darkness pressed around her, Samantha started to get scared. The police still haven’t found Jack, and it seems like Samantha is the perfect target for him.
The fog was thick and she couldn’t see more then five feet in front of her. She should be home now, but Jacob needed her help. Why did Samantha agree to help him? But how could she refuse, he sounded so anxious earlier.
Samantha shivered in the cool crisp air. The light breeze ran through her dark brown hair. She walked down the cobblestone street, searching for her beloved’s home. It had to be some where close. Samantha had been walking for almost and hour.
She looked over her shoulder; the feeling of being watch was still upon her. Samantha’s blue eyes burned in the wind. Tears leaked from them and they froze upon her face. It was getting colder by the second.
‘Oh, Jacob,’ she thought, ‘light me a light so that I can find my way to you. So that you can warm me with your warmth.’
Samantha walked on, trying to find a street sign that might point her in the right direction. She could hear horses off in the distant, walking down her street. The sound of wheels on cobblestone came next.
She ran as fast as she could. If Samantha could only reach it, then maybe she could make it to Jacob’s house in time. She tried to call out to it, but her voice was as frozen as the tears upon her cheeks.
She could see the looming dark outline of a horse and carriage. Samantha was almost there, she would soon be in her beloved’s arms.
And then she was grabbed by the waist and was carried into a dark side street. There was a heavy panting coming from the man. Samantha tried again to scream out, but all that came was a soft unheard whisper.
It was then, that she was slammed into the wall. She could see the black hat that was tilted to the side, the black coat that looked like an endless dark ocean, and the black shoes with mist upon them.
Samantha now knew who was watching her and she was trapped by him. She had come face to face with Jack. His breathing slowed as he pulled out a bloody knife. Samantha shivered even more at the sight of it. She knew what was coming, and there was know way to stop it.
He cut her throat with his knife and smelled the blood. It was like heaven. He then stabbed at her face, mutilating it. Then he did her arms, striping them of its flesh. Exposing the muscle and bone to the cool, crisp, October breeze.
And then he stopped, stood up, and stared at his work. He licked his blade clean of her blood, like a child dying of thirst. As he walked backwards, the clip clop sounds of horses was getting closer, and then some one calling out.
“Samantha,” screamed the voice and the man fled from the scene. “Samantha, where are you? It’s me, Jacob. I wanted to ask you something.”
The horses stopped right at the feet of Samantha. As Jacob stepped down from his carriage, he slid on the pool of blood. He knelt down and stared into the now undistinguishable face of his beloved Samantha.
Author notes
When I compare this story to my other one, Suicidal, it makes Suicidal seem like a walk in the park.
The year that this story takes place it 1888. I do not think that Jack ever attacked anyone by the name of Samantha nor that a women he attacked had a beloved find the body of her either.
4. write a THRILLER!! i seriously don't want to be anle to stop reading till the very end and i want to be on the edge of my seat. (if you can do that, you'll definaly be amazing!)
A contest entry
- Autumn Of The Ripper by necronomijon.
350 points, ended August 16, 2007, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scream bloody murder. by JuliaAlexandrovna.
600 points, ended August 14, 2007, 15 entries
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450 points, ended September 18, 2007, 9 entries
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100 points, ended August 15, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 17th, 18th and 19th Century Fiction by Bitter Irony.
250 points, ended September 13, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Something Special.... by Greeneyes15.
275 points, ended September 15, 2007, 42 entries
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200 points, ended September 4, 2007, 16 entries
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190 points, ended October 11, 2007, 14 entries
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Hmmmmm......
This was definately a more interesting idea than some I have read on SW, but if you are going to include historical charaters in your stories, I think you should stick to facts....for example, why would he kill a random woman, when he killed women who were prostitutes and who he knew well......
It needed a little more emotion as well I thought, and there were a few spelling mistakes.
However, your overall pace was very good, and you did keep me engaged, and I did feel that there was feeling in this, I could feel Samantha's panic.
Overall-well done! Good luck in the contest!
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Definitely shocked me when he killed Samantha.
I was expecting Jacob to save her or something.
However, I feel like you could have put more feeling and emotion into this.
Good Job and Good Luck! -
And then she was grabbed by the waist and was carried into a dark side street. There was a heavy panting coming from the man. Samantha tried again to scream out, but all that came was a soft unheard whisper.
this didn't come with enough emotion. It's like "and then" you need a stopping word that stops the reader in his or her tracks.
It was then, that she was slammed into the wall.
never drag out sentence when you want harsh action. make it She was slammed into the wall. very forceful sentences
He cut her throat with his knife and smelled the blood. It was like heaven. He then stabbed at her face, mutilating it. Then he did her arms, striping them of its flesh. Exposing the muscle and bone to the cool, crisp, October breeze.
**not enough emotion/description. You went well up to the point where he takes her with description. now we need intense, gruesome words to get our heart going more. -
o0o0o0o gory poor jacob seeing his lover like that. great read, thanks for entering and good luck.
bee xox -
Oh, I feel so sorry for Jacob! That can't be a pleasant sight!
Work on "showing, not telling" to get the full horrific potential of this story. For example, in the first paragraph you mention that Samantha "started to get scared". Why bother telling us that, when you've already showed her nervously glancing over her shoulder? You say she "seems like the perfect target" (did you mean for that to be present tense?)--don't just tell us that, show us why she is.
Also, try to use descriptive details when they're important, not just thrown in randomly. You tell us Samantha has dark brown hair and blue eyes. So? The information is out of place where you have it.
Anyway, interesting tale from the victims point of view. I like what you've done to draw out the horror. Thanks for entering the contest!
~Bitter Ironybeginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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Goob job!!
ooo, that was creepy! jack that ripper was so creepy. anyway, great story i must say. there were little mistakes here and there. But i think that thing that bothered me most about this story was that i totally knew what was coming. there wasn't really any surprise or intisipation for what was going to happen.i knew jack was going to get her and cut her up. I did like how you threw in that her lover found her body tho. that must have been horrible for him!poor Jacob! But, i liked your writing and the story overall. Good job and thank you so much for entering my contest!! good luck!
peace&love,
greeneyes -
I like how you followed her with the camera. We all know something bad will happen to her from the start, which allowed you time to build up the suspence, which you did real well.
At first, I balked at the change of view that occurs when Jack murders her, but I could find no other way to present that part of the story - and in this case, it is absolutely neccessary to keep the story flowing to the end. Well-played!
The only other thing that stuck out in my mind as odd was this line:
The police still haven’t found Jack, and it seems like Samantha is the perfect target for him.
It might be a good idea to dash in a small line of exposition stating *why* she was the perfect target. Also, this is delivered as a thought from the POV character, so it would help to have her think this to herself, rather than provide it as a factual element.
Other than that, extremely well done!
I found a few nits:
[had to be some where close.] --> had to be somewhere close.
[Samantha had been walking for almost and hour.] --> Samantha had been walking for almost an hour.
[She looked over her shoulder; the feeling of being watch was still upon her.] --> She looked over her shoulder; the feeling of being watched was still upon her.
[She could hear horses off in the distant, walking down her street.] --> She could hear horses off in the distance, walking down the street.
[The sound of wheels on cobblestone came next.] --> The sound of wheels on cobblestone soon followed.
(just a suggestion)
[If Samantha could only reach it, then maybe she could make it to Jacob’s house in time.] -->
I would replace the first use of the word *it* in this sentence with what it is. It's inferred, but it makes it less disorienting to hear it.
[Samantha tried again to scream out, but all that came was a soft unheard whisper.] --> Samantha tried to scream, but all that came out was a soft unheard whisper.
As we do not hear her scream the first time, it is best to admit the word again
[She knew what was coming, and there was know way to stop it.] --> She knew what was coming, and there was no way to stop it.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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thanks for the really long comment. it really helped me out. i will make the changes as soon as i can get into my word thing. it will take a few days cause it crashed and i am angry. so i got to fix it and i wont have time till friday.
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a noticed some mistakes. like you typed 'tick' and you meant 'thick' but all is well. this is pretty good. gj.
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good solid quick story. Nice build up to the death scene. A couple typos, but nothing serious. This was a well done story I think you should look into expanding.
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Well done. I enjoyed this piece. Very dark. Very menacing...definitely fit the prompt. The part about Jacob finding her in the end, wanting to tell her something, really makes the mind wonder...what does he want to tell her? Wow. I saw a few typos but, other than that, this was brilliant. Very beautiful; very bestial.
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The spelling errors that they are talking about are the sort that no spell-checker will ever find: seams (places where fabric is joined) used when it should have been seems (appears), 'tick' instead of 'thick'. READ the story after setting it aside for a day or two, don't just run it through spell-check. And study a dictionary, so you have a better feel for homophones. Overall, a pretty good story.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thank you, very much. I was wondering what everyone was talking about. I'm no good shot at spelling so thanks for letting me know.
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This was very well written! You were very detailed and I could see everything in my mind's eye. I only have two criticisms: it was pretty predictable, and I was looking for some sort of mystery. Also, please check your grammar. I saw a lot of mistakes. Other than that, I liked this a lot! Good luck in my contest!
Trillian =) -
if u see spelling/grammer mistakes, please tell me where cause i cant find em and ive ran this story through word twice and i still cant find em.
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You've got a good story here, there are a few spelling mistakes though.
The story flows well and keeps the readers attention. The POV works for this story. Good luck in your contests. -
*coughs* Ahem. Squirrels?
There were a few mistakes here and there but it was still written well. I felt shivers when he began to cut her.
You've created a good sense of imagery. I like how her tears were frozen to her face.
Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering.
x Julez -
I enjoyed this- although I found some of the grammatical errors in the first few paragraphs a little jarring, I was soon drawn into the tale by the pace of what you'd written. Well done, thankyou for entering- and good luck in the contest!
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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