Provoked- Edited.

_____________________________________________________________1

2

“AAAEZZI WAAEZII!” someone shouted out from behind.3

Aaez looked back to see his friend May come from her accountings class. May was the only sane person Aaez knew. And by sane, it means insane. They both were the craziest duo in school. They had nothing in common, yet they acted as if they were twins. 4

“Hey May, What’s up my sista?” Aaez replied, with a grin on his face.5

May began to tell him about how boring the lecture was, and how some girl in her class slapped the guy next to him, because he tried to touch her leg. Aaez was not so interested but he pretended that he was. That’s what he did. 6

Soon he noticed Rave walk by; the gloomy hunchback. He really was not hunchback but walked that way.7

“Hey Rave, come over here!” Aaez spoke with a mischievous look, flicking his mid-night hair out of his face. 8

Rave looked at him and tried to smile. He began to come over and then his eyes met May's. She smiled at him. He turned his on heels and walked off. 9

“God, he has been after you for two years.” Aaez said to her “I have no idea why he avoids you.”10

May as always, started talking about how she had found true love. And Rave was simply just going through severe infatuation issues, and he is going to be over it in a couple of weeks.11

“Sorry I said that.” Aaez replied sticking his tongue out at her. 12

“Whatever!” She snapped back. 13

On their way home, Aaez and May, decided to get some coffee. They stopped by the Café, and both ordered coffee to go. 14

“Aaez, what is that?” Said May, pointing to the bruise on his arm.15

Aaez quickly covered it up and said that he had accidentally slipped in the boys' washroom. May eyed him suspiciously, but she trusted him too much to question him further, so she laid the matter to rest16

They reached Aaez’s house first. They hugged each other and May left. Aaez entered the house. It was too quiet, and dark. The lights were off. His uncle was in the kitchen, probably making dinner. Aaez quietly went upstairs to his room, not wanting to talk to the man. 17

As soon as he lay down on his bed, he heard his door open, and the lights flashed on. 18

“What took you so long?” his uncle spoke in a harsh tone.19

“I went to have coffee with May.” Aaez replied, covering his eyes to avoid the light. 20

His uncle came intending to pull the sheets off. He did not do so however. He just sat down beside him, and gently moved his hands through Aaez’s hair. Aaez squirmed, praying that the phone rings or the the neighbours come to call on them; anything to make his uncle leave. Slowly, his uncle’s hand moved to Aaez's tanned neck. 21

“Uncle please, can’t you leave me alone sometimes.” Aaez said, trying to be as assertive as possible.22

His uncle’s mood changed swiftly, the congeniality in his face disappearing at the sound of those words. 23

“Shut up!” the man screamed, slapping Aaez hard in the face “This is the least you can do. After all, I am letting you stay in my house. Someone has to pay your rent.”24

Aaez frowned at him, but his uncle smiled, a loathsome smile. He grabbed Aaez by the wrist, slowly & painfully wringing his arm. His eyes shone with a lustful wantonness; something that Aaez had become familiar with. While his uncle enjoyed every bit of the fear he saw mirrored in Aaez’s face, Aaez felt a medley of emotions overwhelm him; fear, desperation, loss - distinct, yet one… an inexplicable swarm of feelings rushed to his chest, which swelled painfully, dreading the imminent, the inevitable. Aaez’s uncle smacked his lips in expectation, and then, grabbing him by the hair, he then dragged Aaez to his room. 25

“Uncle, please! Stop!” Aaez began to cry, but all he got was slap after slap, until he could bear it no more. His uncle threw him on the bed, & lurched forward silkily, like an adder wanting to savour its prey. 26

*27

“Aaez, are you okay?” Rave questioned, noticing the bruises on the back of Aaez’s shoulders. 28

“Yeah, I’m fine, why do you ask Rave?” Aaez replied. 29

“Well the bruises on your back aren’t very comforting.” Rave eyed them so suspiciously, “Are you sure there nothing's wrong?” 30

“I’m fine really, I just slipped and fell down a flight of stairs” Aaez replied confidently. He was used to lying to his friends like that.31

Rave was still apprehensive. He was going to probe deeper into this. 32


On his way home that afternoon, Rave heard screams coming from Aaez’s house. He knew something was wrong. Maybe this could answer his questions, so he ran towards the house. He made his way stealthily to the nearest window to see what was going on. The whole scenario was pretty loud so he could hear pretty easily. 33

“Uncle, this hurts.” Aaez pleaded, tears running from his eyes. His uncle paid no heed & kept twisting his arm and pulling his hair mercilessly. 34

“That’s what you get for disobeying me. You should have learnt by now.” 35

The tug on Aaez’s hair was getting unbearable, & he could feel his ears beginning to bleed. He had no choice but to scream louder. 36

Rave was dumfounded. This was unfathomable. Aaez had a bad life? Aaez, who was the most cheerful guy on campus? Most teenagers were depressed fools, but Rave had known Aaez to be different. He was optimistic. He gave everyone a way to smile. People always thought Aaez had the best life. They envied him. To see Aaez’s life in shambles was a shock of epic proportions. 37

Aaez screamed again, trying hard to pull the man’s hand away from his hair. It was excruciating. Rave almost cried. He could feel Aaez’s agony. It was too much to bear. 38

“You want me to leave you?” his uncle spoke with a huge grin, “Okay!” 39

Aaez stopped screaming, and took a step backward. That was a big mistake. He slipped on the top step of the staircase behind him. Rave closed his eyes, unable to watch Aaez fall down the flight of stairs. Rave was too scared to do anything. He was a skinny kid. He was not capable of fighting a grown man. He ran away. 40

“Had enough?” His uncle came down. 41

Aaez tried to get up, but could not. His mind was whirling & his body ached with every breath. Surrendering his will, he kept lying there, breathing heavily. His uncle left his nephew there, broken and defeated. 42


The next day, Aaez didn’t show up at school, neither did his uncle go to work. The house was very quiet after that day. A couple of days past and no one heard anything from Aaez or his uncle. May decided to call Aaez when five to six days had passed. She had tried to call before, but there was never an answer. This time someone picked up. 43

“Hello?” May spoke with nervousness, Aaez had started acting so weird.44

After a long pause Aaez replied, “Hey May! What’s up?” His voice was all shaky and tired. 45

“Aaez I haven’t seen you in ages. I’m coming over at your house today after school.” May replied.46

“No, don’t! You can’t! Don’t come! Please!” his voice still shaky, but now forceful. 47

He hung up. 48

“He’s not going to like this.” Rave spoke nervously to May, as they walked up to Aaez’s house. 49

“Come on. He’s our best friend; we deserve to know what’s on his mind.” May spoke in an I-know-Better tone. 50

They entered the house without knocking, from the backdoor. They entered the living room to find someone sitting on the couch.51

“Aaez is that you?” May, broke the silence “Where is your uncle?”52

Aaez’s dark-brown eyes were extremely red. His hair was completely ruffled. He wore nothing but a bathrobe. He looked so depressed, so messed up.53

He remained quiet for a while, then took a deep breath and spoke, “He came to my room that night. You know, the day when he pushed me down the stairs. You remember Rave don’t you? Thanks for the help by the way.” 54

Rave started trembling - the guilt, combined with Aaez’s cold piercing stare and his colder sarcasm, ripped him apart.55

“He said he was sorry about what he had done, and he would do his best to help me.” Aaez continued with his voice still shaking, and his left eye twitching consistently, “I thought the bastard had finally changed. I was so stupid. The man fooled me with his sweet talk. And suddenly pounced on me.”56

“What did he do?” May asked.57

“DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE DID TO ME?” Aaez got up and started screaming, tears forming in his blood-red eyes. 58

Rave and May both gasped. Aaez was acting so strange. May was about to cry, when she noticed a small knife in Aaez’s hand. The sight of the blood-stained knife, made her realize what Aaez had done. 59

“Aaez, you didn’t kill the man, did you?” May asked him, still wanting to believe otherwise60

Aaez’s head titled to the side, and he smiled, “No!” he replied like a five-year old lying to his mother. 61

“Aaez, I think you’re not well. You need help. I’ll call someone.”62

“What? No! You can’t do that. I’m fine. Are you saying I’m insane?” Aaez was speaking fast and his eyes were popping out, “You can’t call anyone May. I’ll get arrested. I’m fine.”63

“No! I’m sorry, I have to, Aaez. It’s nothing personal.” May replied, mustering up all her courage. 64

Aaez sighed and started walking slowly, half –limping. His head kept tilted on the side, eyes still popping out. He walked over to the door and locked it. 65

“I’m sorry May, I have to. It’s nothing personal.” Aaez replied with a sad look on his face, “I told you not to come here.”66

*67

2 months later, at the Institution for the Criminally Insane.68

"Have you taken your rounds, Molly?", the doctor yelled from his office, "I expect a full report in ten minutes."69

"He’s being very polite", grunted Molly, the only on-duty nurse that night. ‘Someone oughta surgically remove the stick up his…"70

"What’s that I hear?", shouted the doctor, punctuating Molly’s ramblings.71

"Nothing doctor", Molly replied resentfully & went about her rounds. Ten minutes later she was all but done.72

"All done, last one, room 204, Raza, Aaez", Molly read off her checklist. "This one’s a quiet, nice one" she thought to herself as she entered the room. The lights were off.73

"That’s strange" Molly mused to herself, ‘he isn’t an early sleeper’. So she opened the lights to his room, & immediately upon doing so, gave an ear-splitting cry and ran for the doctor. 74

Nothing disturbed the silence of the night except the steady dripping of blood from Aaez’s wrist down to the pool of blood on the floor.

Author notes

Totally different from what i usually write. SOOOoO not me...i scared myself!! so read it and comment!!!! i used my own name and profile for a contest...dun think of me as egocentric..its what the contest was about ! thanks!

and my fav band is evanescence.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 33 of 33

  • WhatALovelyDay silver member
    May 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    EeeeeeeeEEeeEEeEEeEeEeEe!!!!!! That was so totally fricking fracking AWESOME, Aaez!! Just so fricking uberly wonderfully written! Eee! *dies*
    That's just so great! I just love the ending part witht he nurse and stuff! YAAY!!!!
    *ahem* Okay, you know the drill...

    ♥ (1)"He really was not hunchback but walked that way."
    Sentence structure... that should probably be, "He wasn't really a hunchback, but seemed to walk that way." Or something along those lines

    ♥ (2)Aaez spoke with a mischievous look, flicking his mid-night hair out of his face.
    That's a really uber adorable sentence that made me smile, but there shouldn't be a "-" between "mid" and "night", it's just one word

    ♥ (3)"Aaez and May, decided to get some coffee. They stopped by the Café, and both ordered coffee to go."
    Therre shouldn't be a comma after "May"

    ♥ (4)“Uncle please, can’t you leave me alone sometimes.” Aaez said, trying to be as assertive as possible."
    I thought that was great. Normally I would say, "put a question mark at the end", but I feel like that would take away some of it's loverly intense-ness, so instead, I suggest you put a "dot dot dot" after "can't you leave me alone sometimes".

    ♥ (5)"Aaez frowned at him, but his uncle smiled, a loathsome smile. He grabbed Aaez by the wrist, slowly & painfully wringing his arm."
    There's actually nothing wrong with that... I just wanted to put it on here because I uber love it XP I know, I'm a wonderful critic It was just so miraculous and put a really vivid image in my head

    ♥ (6)"Most teenagers were depressed fools, but Rave had known Aaez to be different. He was optimistic. He gave everyone a way to smile. People always thought Aaez had the best life. They envied him. To see Aaez’s life in shambles was a shock of epic proportions."
    ZOMG. I can totally realate with this... and, like the above comment, there's nothing wrong with it.... I just love it... Ur amazing ♥ ^-^

    ♥ (7)“Aaez I haven’t seen you in ages. I’m coming over at your house today after school.”
    There should be a comma after "Aaez".

    All done, hehe ^_^ Just one thing that bothered me about this is that you used your own name, so through the whole thing I just couldn't help but picture it as you who was being mistreated, and that made me so sad >.< Gosh darn it, you couldn't have used another name????

    Yet again, another great peice of writing, Aaez ^_^ Keep up the good work ^-^

    ♥ Alex ♥


    • Aaez
      May 24, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      THank JUICE!!!! ^^ Gawsh!! Editing more editing to do!!!!


  • Noisome.
    May 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very powerful. It was horrible what the uncle did to him. It was chilling, though, the way the story took such a powerful and abrupt turn. Those awful things the uncle did ultimately drove Aaez to madness and such drastic actions. I would have liked to see a little more detail about your characters, perhaps some more of what went on out of the house. This was so well written, and I really like how you can trace the changes in Aaez through the story. What happened to Rave, though? You only mention May... Now I'm curious. And nervous. (: Would love to read more of your work, thanks for your entry. ^_^

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • Aaez
      May 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      oh my Lawd! Thank you so much!! =D =D! hehe...what happened to rave? You shall never know!!! muahahahha!!!!!


  • Solidarity silver member
    May 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Aaez,

    Sorry it took me a while to get to this story. Real life interfered with a couple of errands I had to run. Now on to the story. This intially reads like a fast pace story about a friendship, set in a familiar school setting, until the bit about the hidden bruise. My sensors instantly went haywire and I was certain the story would be one of domestic abuse at that point. I was right. I found it interesting that the main character was the one abused - him confident and cheerful. It's very true in real life as well. It's so often the people we least expect, those that hide it best.

    As far as story-wise, I felt this was slightly rough around the edges. At times, it seemed that the piece used more words than it had to to get an image or idea across. For example:

    "someone shouted out from behind. Aaez looked back..."

    Could perhaps be:

    "someone shouted. Aaez looked back..."

    Without loosing any information (After all, because the Main Character looked behind, it's made clear that someone shouted from behind). Wordiness is a real curse of the writer, I think. It takes a careful read through to catch all the instances where we overexplain of use ten words where three would have done the trick. My philosophy on the matter is that if the word isn't pulling its weight and isn't really adding to the story, it should be kicked to the curb. The reason I am picking on this part instead of another is that this is the beginning.

    Generally, the beginning is where the writer convinces the reader that the piece is worth reading. Focus, clarity and imagery often work as a hook.

    Another stylistic aspect of the piece that I noticed that is potentially slowing it down and keeping the story back is that it often informs the reader of what is going on. It tells, summarizes, the story instead of letting the reader experience it.

    "On their way home, Aaez and May, decided to get some coffee. They stopped by the Café, and both ordered coffee to go."

    This part, for example, is very "telly" - "This happened, then this happened, then this."

    and then further down in paragraph 16 the reader's informed that May trusts the mian character and that she laid the matter to rest. Is there perhaps a way to change the sentences and revise it to make it so that the reader learns about these facts him/herself instead of being told?

    For example:

    "It's nothing," Aaez jerked the sleeve down over the bruise, "Slipped in the bathroom, ya know."

    "Well..." May stared at him, eyes narrowed, then sighed, "Okay, I trust you."

    She looked around and took a sip from the plastic cup.

    --
    In this case the reader figures out and thinks "Yeah, she does trust him to let it go. I wonder why he was so nervous about that bruise being seen?"

    I'll be the first person to say that yes, this is a matter of taste, and the above is simply an example that I think could make the piece stronger.

    I think the strongest part of the story was when Rave witnessed the abuse and did not do anything. It portrays human nature well, and hammers home how absolutely desolate and realistic the situation is. The ending was both startling and not. It was a surprise because murder isn't something that happens every day, and it's so extreme. Not unexpected because it is an abuse story, and those tend to have a sort of finality, whether it be the main character running away, being hurt beyond repair, or lashing out at the abuser.

    The point of view shift at the end to the nurse was good for the story; it gave a different perspective on the situation, while putting all the dots above the i's. It was a well done conclusion.

    So yes, those are my thoughts.

    Kind regards,
    Solidarity

    beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.


    • Aaez
      May 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you So much! =D I really appreciate the comments, Solidarity. Thanks for the critique. =)

  • trackrunnengirl24
    May 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow. that was awesome! i enjoyed it very much, especially the ways you built your characters. good luck and thanks for entering!


  • The Golden Son
    May 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Whoa. I've never seen anything like this before. But I guess this type of thing actually happens in our sick, twisted world. Good job o__O


  • Dreams of Insanity
    May 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Woooooooow!
    This reminded me of Natalie's poem 'Happily Insane'!
    Super good Aaez! I love reading your work! GREAT GREAT GREAT!!!


  • Azaradelle Moderators member
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow...

    Aaez finally gone mad... why am i not surprised?
    You're right, this was a tad on the dark side. I wonder what inspired you to write it? Not your usual joyful self, as everyone who knows you will also no doubt say.
    I liked this, it was different. A few things need to be looked at again, but they're just minor, like grammar and sentence structure. Nothing a little editing couldn't fix
    Excellent Aaez! I really enjoyed reading this! Keep it up!

    Yrs.

    Azaradelle.


  • Prodigious.Mirth
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant, absououghtly astounding, A peice to set the records straight, and a style that screams unique, loved it


  • Comicfreak1007
    November 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Oh My God...

    .....*STeps away from u*

    Ok, i got a gun and im NOT afraid to use it!!

    WYa see? i told u....ur crazy

    Very scary story....wow...


  • Ayesha--x
    November 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    aaarrrgghhh!!!

    so cool...i Wish i could write like that...my stories have no depth :'(.


    PS; I COMMENTED YOUR STORY!!!


  • sheatethewholeworld
    September 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    liked this a lot. very intriguing and real and brutally honest. one thing though, a news report as an ending is a bit of a cop out, there are many other way to do it which are still as intense and thrilling. overall though, great write, you deserved every trophy you got!

  • Baba Jojo
    September 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    another write that touched me in the soft spot...damn shit...

    however, not too much emotion...though the intensity was good and all...

    sighs ... my brother was subjected to abuse by my father..he was a drunkard the bloody bastard of a bitch...you caught somethings quite right..though i find it rather offensive that you made the Aaez guy mental...well, its just because this is kind of a personal topic..sorry..

    yea...anyway this was a nice entry....

  • EnemyOfAll
    September 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, that is some pretty intense stuff... definantly mature... some pretty tragic stuff you got here... anyways, good job, keep up the good work


  • asthray.heart
    September 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Like whoa, this hits you hard, though the ending is way out of proportion and what you would expect, then that is the like whoa part ey? .

    Tnks for entering and goodluck,

    ~Lady Madeline.


  • Ayesha Raees
    August 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow
    this story is awesome...
    its really cool...

    great job.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    August 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    thnx for entering the contest.
    wow that was amazing. the ending was way unexpected, but made it way better. this peice was truley amazing. i loved it. great job and keep up the amazing work. good luck.

    -LostSoul


  • Delfishie
    August 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    heh

    Wow, this is totally not what I expected, but that's a good thing.

    I love tormented, angsty tales, so this was pretty interesting. I wasn't expecting that ending at all - rather, I thought the two friends would save you and get the uncle arrested. But your ending is just as good (or perhaps better, since it was so unexpected)

    Great job with this. Thanks for entering my contest.


  • Yi Yin
    August 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Lol, I'm totally laughing at the private message... Love this story man... no matter how egocentric it is! it's actually eccentric...


  • Asfand
    August 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    dont ever do that to me again!! please....


  • Asfand
    August 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    freak


  • Asfand
    August 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    oh, and ur pic makes u look like an aged murderer...though yo should know that....

  • Asfand
    August 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You are not the last person I want to meet before I die. DONT come on ym deathbed please, you are now officially a horror, scary writer......stick to that. DONT call me again, DONT message me........cuz I am soo frickin scared of you......


    AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! this is was soo freakishly scary and chilling and ugh....i mean come on, nice way to protray yourself,

    it might be okay scary for ppl who dont know you, but for those who DO know you....eeek.....aaez, you made me pee in my pants..lolz....oh...god....this was freaky and sooo damn scary!!


    OH GOD!! one of your best!!!

    u will SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwin that contest!!

    • Aaez
      August 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks..i guess...hey come on!!! u better be joking about the scary thing!! ..i still am me! you new!! happy and nutty!! nutty ol' me! silly billy me!


  • Taylor Renee
    August 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    UH
    I am officially crying. Not kidding here .
    I thought of you the entire time. I was so freaked out and omg you are so mean for scaring a little girl like mme!
    No, seriously though. This was really, rerally, really freaky. He went psyco! YOU went psyco!
    ...Please tell me yu don't really have an uncle you live with or a best friend named May.

    You wrote this really...freakily and scary. But well. And the plot, though very very freaky, was amazing.
    great job, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.

    *Is now scared of Aaez*

    xoxo
    Tay

  • Yi Yin
    August 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    u know you not only scared yourself you scared the hell out of me! Man this is good! Hope you win the contest!
    Superly disturbing... I had shivers down my spine reading it... lol... $h!7 man! *I'm totally scared *runs away screaming* lol*

    I can't believe you killed yourself too!

    There are a couple of mistakes, I think you should reread the whole thing and fix them. I'm also confused about this maha person... who is she? Or is she May? head titled should be head tilted... things like that. Otherwise I don't think you need to change anything...

    AWESOME JOB MAN!!!


  • Nocturne Moderators member
    August 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very different and chilling. You had me reading, racing to the very end. The story was gripping and surprising, and I enjoyed how the dialogue carried itself along. Very nice.

    I'm glad I had a chance to read this. Thank you for sharing.


  • Greeneyes15
    August 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    yikes, creepy sick that his uncle was going that to him. It's so incredibly sad too. the part where Rave was watching was heartbreaking and the fact that Aaez knows about it. and omg! i can't believe he killed them all. I totally didn't see that coming! and then he killed himself! so so sad good story. there were some mistakes in there tho, like this one...

    Aaez replied sticking my tongue out at her.

    i don't think that the word 'my' was supposed to be there. anyway, great job! keep up the good work!

    --Greeneyes

1 - 33 of 33