The Rebel - Chapter 1 The Punisher

In the dark corner of the dank dungeon, sniffled screams can be heard with the occasional lashes of the whip. The man’s voice can be heard cackling with glee and satisfaction. Chains jangle uncontrollably. 1

There I was. There I was sitting on my knees. Chains hanging from the wall; cold manacles linking my wrists to them. My face was flushed with tears, scarred and bruised. And tears were still falling like rivers and streams from the mountains. My clothes have been torn as if they were given to a cat to relieve its itch. Dried blood was every where around me. My eyes, my tearful eyes stared at the feet of my punisher. A big strong well fed man, he had been in this cell for so many times, I have lost count. I have been counting down the days and nights till I would soon be free; when I would make my escape. But it never came. Days went uncounted, nights went uncounted as my nemesis tried and tried to rid the words hope, freedom and justice from my mouth, my brain and my soul. My hunger was fed by nothing but abuse and torture.2

For how long I have been sitting here? My body was shaking; my eyes half closed. Crack! The long leather weapon lashed onto my face, then my arms, my chest and my back. I tried to scream. I begged him to stop. But a piece of blood and tear soaked cloth was wrapped over my mouth. My voice couldn’t go far. He was relentless. He would not stop. He continued with his abuse.3

He threw his whip down. I could not breathe a sigh of relief. He wasn’t going to spare me so soon; I knew it. He grabbed my long dark brown hair from the back of my neck. He brought his face close to my face. He shouted, “So bitch, do you still want to see the light?”4

I could smell his smelly breathe from my small nose. I did not say a thing. I could not. I let my dark brown eyes do the talking.5

He saw the determination in my eyes. “So you still don’t want to give up?”6

I gave a slow firm nod as I stared at him angrily. He snorted, releasing his bad breathe at my face again. I closed my eyes to hide my tears. He raised his hand and slapped me hard on my face. I fell to my side, but was still hanging to the chains. My arms were tired, it was stinging me. He kicked me in my stomach. I let out a cry of pain. 7

“Come on Naikee,” he growled.8

Naikee, yes that was my name… I have not heard anyone else say my name for a long time. 9

“Are you ready to admit defeat?” He slapped my face with his filthy heavy hand again.10

“No!” I cried. It was muffled by the cloth. But he heard clearly what I said. He reached for his whip again. He channeled his fury into the whip and lashed all the injustice, the darkness and the discrimination at my exposed back. I screamed again.11

“You can’t take this abuse for too long,” the man growled. "You will break!"
Tears broke free. I wept. It was too painful. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I couldn’t take the abuse for long. But I could not admit defeat. If I did, the deaths of my comrades, my abnegations would have gone to waste, for nothing.12

The man grabbed my collar and drove me into the wall. He kept me pinned to the cold stone. He brought his lips to my ears and whispered, “This torment will continue to grow in magnitude until I hear you beg for forgiveness. Are you ready to say it?”13

He tore off the dirty cloth and let it fall to the ground, allowing me to breathe easily. But I was only allowed few clean breathes until his hands reached for my throat. “Say it!”14

“Never,” I whispered weakly as I closed my eyes again.15

“Why?” he gave an anguished and desperate cry, his grip around my throat tightened. He shook my body, hitting my back on the wall painfully. 16

“You… don’t know… what’s…. fair and just… You’ve taken… freedom away… from all Ninatans,” I struggled to say those words. “You’re… just… selfish.”17

“Don’t give me that damn rant about fairness and justice. I am the justice around here I can do anything,” he said as he slapped me again.18

“No, you took away justice when you took over,” I croaked. 19

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” He kicked me aside. My thin emaciated arms were killing me as my body swayed to the side, tugging at the chains.20

“Kill me now, because I will not give up. But hope and freedom shall not die with me,” I said. I coughed blood out of my mouth.21

He pulled my hair from the back of my head. He whispered into my ears, “I will torment you until I hear you say those words. I will not kill you.”
He kicked me one last time for the day, spat some curses at me and walked out.22

I wept louder now I was alone... 23

Author notes

This was in my mind (and on MS Word) for a while so I thought let's put it up!
Now I'm working on it and continueing the story. It's become really dark and intense that I had to write on... So let's just call it the first chapter of The Rebel

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Marisalyn13
    July 2
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    Awesome job!!! Good luck good job and thanks for entering!


  • Lostskins
    December 12, 2007
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    I'm interested to see how this goes, it was quite dark and twisty but good. Maybe some of your wording could be changed but thats not that big of a dea. Anyway, well done!


  • Elvenfairy
    October 30, 2007
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    facianting story about defiance and determination and standing up for what you believe in. It takes real courage to stay with your beliefs on a regular day, but under torture, that is a diffrent kind of courage all together. This was a very good write. Thanks for enetring my contest.


  • Miss Chell
    September 2, 2007

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    I like how simple this piece was. It didn't go into amazing detail about anything but what was presently going on, a little past here and there but just barely.

    This piece was well thought out, and what is most admirable about it is the motto I made up(maybe) and what I try to go by: You can leave the reader completely..I guess confused in the first chapter because you're setting up. You have so much time to bring detail later.

    I also enjoyed your setup because it left me wanting to know more about the warriors Naikee was fighting for and his people. Where did this war start? Why did it start?

    I think it would be interesting to see another *haunted* side of Naikee that let warrior(s) die and thats why he's fighting for his people and being tortured in the process..

    The only thing I didn't really catch on to was, if Naikee *begged* for this forgiveness, would he be set free or killed? I think that is sort of important to know.

    Also, what time period is this set in? Honestly though, I think in any time period, this line: “So bitch, do you still want to see the light?”
    isn't very appropriete..just for the make of the story..I have a hard time believing he would call Naikee a bitch..or whatnot..

    And, one last thing..a lot of the sentences could easily be either cut out or made into one sentence.
    Like:
    "He threw his whip down. I could not breathe a sigh of relief."
    This could easily be one sentence just with the use of the word 'but.'

    I will give you that, in the begining..that writing teqnique, if you will, worked really really well. It really took me by surprise. The first few paragraphs were the only it really worked for though.

    Thank you for entering my contest

    (And sorry for the rant : /)



    • Yi Yin
      September 3, 2007
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      erm... Naikee is a girl, hehe... Thanks for the comment, I never mind rants, I love them... hehe...


  • Nostalgia
    August 29, 2007

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    My Verdict........

    Well, for starters I have to warn you that I'm not much for commenting on others work. But I will anyway, cause this deserves it.

    Here goes....

    Over all I think your piece is okay, but it could use some more work. I'm a little confused as to what is happening, I think you might want to do with a little more meat on your story, a little more detail...Or something that lets the reader know what the basic plot line of the story is about.
    Other than that, I think you have a pretty good start! Keep up the writing! Your getting there!

    -Disembodied Replica-


  • Sensual Sapphire
    August 15, 2007
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    I think you would benefit from a thesaurus. Not for any reason but the fact that it gives you words that may not normally come into your head. I use one when I can't find the word with the right flavor. It is a good begining and I'm very interested in seeing where you take it, Thank you for entering.

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