Her face smiled at me just one last time. Her countenance spoke with warm hugs, held hands. I'm not sure where she’d got that smile. I always wished I could stop the downpour of hail, fist-shaped stones that belted her at every turn. But, much like the weather, I couldn't change a thing. I became resigned to that. So did she. And she just smiled on, a light in the darkness, the first sign of spring, the sound of resounding harmonies. Now, this is what I have left: her face, her love, her warmth and her very last smile. Tears slide silently, slicking tracks along my cheeks. I’m not sure where I was, how I was still here, but I saw her. Eyes open or shut, filled with blurry tears, I saw her. That last smile, I prayed for. Her face appeared, and I remembered my girl one last time.
Author notes
This can be considered as two options:
Seeing a phantom (this was the intention)and
Realizing you can't change the world
A contest entry
- Paragraphs by Asfand.
230 points, ended August 10, 2007, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 500 Points for Imagery! by beezy92.
750 points, ended March 18, 2008, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This piece made me want to cry. It was really short, but the emotion and the description made it great. And I like short. (= Finalist list for you.
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i like this one a lot.
good job! -
A paragraph of pure poetry - thank you.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Final score: 84.75
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Here's my score:
Title: 8
Grammar: 9
Feeling: 9
Imagery: 9
Uncommeness: 7
Flow: 9
Originality: 8
Beginning: 8
Closing: 9
Over all: 8
Best Score: 84 - wonderful!
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You have a lovely way with words...even though it's not entirely clear what you are writing about, it's done in such a beautifully, poetic way..it held my attention from beginning to end.
Nice job!
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I like your use of imagery and description here. It really draws your readers in. Good job on this and good luck in the contest.
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I love the description, especially with personifications like "tears slide silently, slicking tracks along my cheeks." I also like how you use the past tense as the narrator describes this girl and the present as he describes himself, like he's watching a memory. This is really good.
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