Theodore

Nurse Alison worked in a pysch ward, in what was affectionately called "Children's Hall." Nobody in there was under 17, but all the adult patients had some syndrome or other (Down's, usually) that made them childlike. Some had been found on the streets, some had been given up by their families. Some were hobos faking to get a free meal. Nurse Alison didn't care who they were or where they came from, she loved them all. Most of all, she loved her brother, the reason she got herself transferred to the Riverside Assistance Community. 1

Everyday, after she made her usual rounds, she went in the room he shared with two other male patients. Usually, she found him in the same place, on the floor talking to his teddy bear Theodore. There he was today, in the ratty jeans and t-shirt she had bought him to play dress-up. She could tell by the white clumps in his hair that he had also being trying out his newest toy: hair gel.2

"Morning, Tucker." she said, patting his shoulder. "What did you and Theodore do today?"3

"I... I... I play with him ... he want go to park." Tucker was smiling brightly up at her, and Theodore seemed just as pleased to have company.4

"I'm sure you can go to the park on Friday with everyone else," said Nurse Alison. 5

Tucker started to cry. Fearing a group pandemic if the other patients heard, Alison grabbed Theodore behind the neck and pretended to wiggle his head.6

"Now, now, Tucker," she said in a cartoon voice, "you and me can play everyday right here! We can go to the park later."7

Tucker laughed and threw up his hands at the bear seeing him dancing and talking. 8

"Did we remember everything Doctor Mann taught us?" asked Nurse Alison through the bear.9

Tucker nodded, and showed her clean hands and shoes on the right feet.10

Nurse Alison replaced the Theodore on the chair and gave Tucker a swift kiss, which he brushed away absently. She turned on her white sneakers and left the room.11

"I'm going to kill that bitch if she touches me again," said Theodore.12

Tucker laughed and slapped his hands on the floor.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 27 of 27

  • Melissa HoneyBee
    June 12
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    My APPLAUSE

  • Melissa HoneyBee
    June 4

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    that was really good. I'm not sure it qualified in my contest since Theodore wasn't a well known childrens character. It was really good. The right amount of info and build up before the punch line. Nice writing and good luck.


  • Naive.
    July 15, 2008

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    =] I adore the ending. While this wasn't exactly twisted like my other entries, it still had a twist! =D I liked this a lot. Short and sweet; doesn't need anything taken away or added. Nice job.

    Thanks for entering and good luck.

    -jj


  • Melancholic Smile
    June 19, 2008

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    This is great! I actually did laugh out loud at the end! Really good twist and well written piece - nice and short as well - I love it! Well done and good luck in my contest!


  • Tiger-Lily
    June 18, 2008

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    This is brilliant!!! I love this. ROFL. But I have a possessed inanimate object phobia. Thanks to Child's Play...O.O

    Brilliant twist!!!

    -HT


  • Reaver Greeters member
    June 17, 2008

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    Read this one before...enjoyed it twice...scroll down for comment..


  • loyda
    June 17, 2008

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    HAHAHHAHAHAH

    this was too good!! HAHAHA

    whoooo incredibly well written, and sweet in its own shortness!!
    cheers!


  • magicmonster00M
    May 31, 2008

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    I love the ending. It warmed my heart and was really quite amusing. There were a few grammar errors, but I do not care about grammar in my contest. I have to thank you for two things. I thank you for entering my very first contest, and I, also, have to thank you for giving me such a great read. I hope you continue to write, and I wish you good luck in story write, and my very first contest. Thank you. However, the cussing in your story was not necessary, it made me laugh, and I deemed it prudent.

    MagicMonster00M: Nice story.

    beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.

  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Loved the ending.  I thought it was like,,,one of those heart warming stories...wonderful twist...loved it!

    Two grammar suggestions:

    physch is psych in p1 and no period needed after it.  In p2: comma after bear.

    Thanks for entering this!  I loved it!  Very well done!

    Thanks again!..Durian



  • lexiconsthedevil
    November 25, 2007
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    that was cute. i like the ending


  • Mallig
    November 25, 2007

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    Excellent

    A great read, touching and sweet, and then a great twist ending, very chilling. Amazing story development in so few words!

    One thing, "Alison grabbed Theodore behind the neck and pretend to wiggle his head" should be "pretended"?


  • dippedquilpen
    October 27, 2007

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    haha...this is very cute and also a very good story. However, it isn't in the point of view of a special needs child...so I can't count it in the contest. But good job anyway!


  • Delfishie
    October 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "shoes on the right feet" - perhaps shoes on the 'correct' feet would be better?

    And also? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That was a great twist! GREAT twist! So friggin awesome! I love it!

    You did a great job on this. I really think you should try to submit this for publication. Hehehe.


  • AngelOfTheDawn
    September 27, 2007
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    Nice lil twist.
    The things kids say eh?


  • Unpredictable Lover
    August 19, 2007

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    Hahaha, I love Theodore! Killer teddy bear?!?!?!?!? I want him!!!! Gimme gimme gimme!!!!! -steals- This was really cute, I enjoyed reading it. Nice job and good luck in the contest ^.^


  • Midnightmare
    August 19, 2007

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    this was good... but confusing in a few areas.
    good spelling and all that important stuff, well done on that. lol.
    im not sure if it is entirely abstract... but i wont dismiss it.
    good job!


  • ShadyWilbury
    August 10, 2007
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    This is a good story, but I don't quite understand why somebody with Down's Syndrome would want to kill one of their nurses- though maybe I've misunderstood, and Theo was one of those in for free dinner? So- this confuses me slightly, but if you like I will have another look at it when I get back on Sunday, and re-edit this comment with my opinion on the piece.


  • playjazz67
    August 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Oh yes

    Terrific work. If the master of dark humor were still alive I would expect to see Orsen Wells to be seen as one of the orderlies.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Jim

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.


  • aloominum
    August 7, 2007
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    radical

    haha awesome i loved the ending.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • xhappyxrainbowsx
    August 6, 2007

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    HAHA. The ending made me burst out laughing! I woke up my poor puppy!!

    For such a short piece, it did really well capturing my attention and holding it for all three hundred some-odd words. And the ending was killer. Totally the best ending I've read in awhile.

    Keep writing!
    Sky

  • Andy18
    August 4, 2007

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    Excellent

    i definitely like the ending. the story seems like something i would dig and read nonstop. as for the story, i wish there was more to read afterwards. the ending gives me the impression that tucker or theodore can cause some serious damage at the hospital. anyhow, great story.






  • hey incendiary
    August 2, 2007

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    That was killer. No wonder that kid is f***ed up.
    Possibly the best twist ending I've read on here to date.

    Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • mydarlinghamburger
    August 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Nice, that was funny. It'd b kool if there was more to it.

    It was a kool read

    Keep up the good work

    Frm MDH


  • Rosemary silver member
    July 30, 2007
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    A sweet story

    I never saw the end coming. What a naughty bear.


  • hobo kiti
    July 29, 2007

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    Ha!

    Very funny. I wasn't sure why it was labeled "humor" at first. It's like a very very well written joke. Or something. Yeah, I'll stop talking. I love your writing, I really do.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Mel-the-Believer
    July 29, 2007

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    This was good. I liked it. Cool ending too, Theodore, talks. Thank you so much for entering. Good luck. God Bless!

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