I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness from the time I was ten. Up until that point, I had been living with my grandparents, but my grandmother became too ill to take care of me, and my mother moved in for a while to take care of Grandma. That was the point when she started studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. Since I wanted to please my mother, who was almost a stranger to me, I did what she wanted me to and started studying the Bible with them too.
Just before my grandmother died, my mother and her husband decided to move to Penn Yan because her husband's oldest son was living there. I probably could have stayed behind in California with my grandfather, but, believe it or not, I had never seen snow before, and Mom sort of bribed me with the idea of living where there was snow.
If I had stayed in California, I don't think Grandpa would have been able to take care of both me and Grandma, and I would have run wild, so I think going to New York was the right thing for me at the time, but being raised as a Jehovah's Witness was both good and bad, and I am still bitter about it.
Incase you are not familiar with what JW’s believe, they think only 144,000 will go to heaven, and that the earth will be transformed into the paradise it was meant to be, and that the humble, the meek, the true believers will inherit the earth and live forever on it. JW’s don’t believe in a Trinity, but believe Jesus was God’s son, the first born of all creation, and that the Holy Spirit is God’s active force.
I know that is far from what other religions that have Christ as their cornerstone believe.
Anyway, JW’s believe in setting themselves apart from “the world,” and for my sister and I, that meant we could not participate in chorus or band because we would be expected to sing or play our instruments at Christmas pageants, and JWs don't celebrate Christmas. We were not allowed to participate in after school sports activity because “bodily training is [only] beneficial for a little” and because it would take away from time we could spend studying the Bible. There were 5 congregation Bible studies a week to prepare for, and that didn’t include the time we were supposed to spend on personal Bible study, or one on one with someone who was supposed to teach us. We were also not allowed to go to the prom, or take part in any extracurricular activities, really because they would distract from our study of the Bible. I still can’t believe that my mom allowed me to participate in the International club that one year. I think the only reason she did was because another JW kid was in it.
Now, just because we were supposed to spend so much time studying the Bible doesn’t mean I did. I spent a lot of time just listening to music. It was my escape. That was another thing JW’s were picky about- the kind of music we listened to. Country music was a no-no because the lyrics were too suggestive lyrics, and nothing that hinted at drugs or rebellion. That may be why I got into Air Supply, although I think I would have loved their music despite being a JW.
JW’s teach that Armageddon is immanent and that if we are not doing our utmost to serve God, we will not make it though Armageddon, and if we die at Armageddon, we have no hope for a resurrection. They use Matthew chapter 24 to point to the signs of the “times of the end” (wars, earthquakes, famine, etc…).
We were taught that nobody was ever “safe, ” meaning we could never feel we were doing enough to please God, so we could never be sure we would live through Armageddon. At each of those 5 Bible studies every week (and we rarely missed one) the congregation elders would ask us from the podium what more we could be doing; could we spend more time in personal study or more time preaching door to door, more time in prayer, could we be setting a better example for others, etc, etc, etc… It never ended, and therefore, I lived in constant fear and washed down by guilt. I felt guilty for not spending more time studying the Bible, for not spending more time preaching door to door, for not setting a better example for others. I felt guilty because I would spend time with friends who weren’t JW’s, and not just because I spent the time with them, but because I enjoyed their company more than I did being with Witness kids. The only reason I was allowed to hang out with kids who weren’t Witnesses was because I was supposed to be setting a good example for them and trying to convert them, which I didn’t do. One time I went to a friend’s house to watch a horror movie, because JW’s could not watch horror movies. My mom had no idea that was what we planned on doing, but she showed up an hour early to pick me up anyway, and that made me mad that I didn‘t get to see the end, and then I felt guilty for wanting to watch a horror movie in the first place. ( I still enjoy horror movies, and I think it is because I was forbidden to watch them. Another guilty pleasure of mine.)
Perhaps the most damaging thing about being raised a JW was that there was no hope for a future- not for me anyway. The idea of living in an earthly paradise just didn’t entice me, no matter how pristine they painted the picture. It did not seem real. Whenever I envisioned my future, it was in THIS world, and that led to more guilt. I felt like I was being unfaithful to God for not wanting to live in the paradise JW’s created.
A whole new kind of guilt took over when I reached puberty and the hormones began to produce sexual urges. It has been called Catholic Guilt, but the Catholics don’t corner the market on it. When I would start to have “impure” thoughts I would feel guilty for having them, so if I ever had sexual fantasies, in them, I was being raped, because that was the only way a JW could experience sex outside of marriage without being disfellowshipped from the congregation. To this day, it effects my sex life with my husband.
Higher education was completely discouraged. Going to college was considered a “worldly” thing to do. We were “encouraged” to finish high school, then get part time jobs and to preach door to door full time, and that is what all the JW kids I grew up with did- the ones that remained in the religion anyway.
Now JWs have done a flip flop on higher education, because a whole generation of kids did what they told them to do, but they could not make enough money to support the organization, so suddenly, it is okay to go to college! That is something I am bitter about, because I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had the hope of going to college instead of the hopelessness I grew up with.
It was all that hopelessness, fear and guilt that caused me to run away from home at 17.
I just could not live up to what was expected of me, so I gave up and ran away. I spent 7 months hitchhiking across the United States, and looking back, I can’t believe I survived. When you live on the streets, you lose all control of your life. You are completely at the mercy of the person whose car or truck you climb into. I did meet a lot of nice people who wanted to help me, but I wasn’t ready to be helped. I also met a lot of scum, but I felt like scum myself, so I was comfortable with them.
Years later I became a truck driver, and I think part of the reason I did it was so I could relive the experience of running away in a position of control in order to put it behind me.
After 7 months on the streets, I went back home. It wasn’t so much a decision to go home as it was a resignation. I hadn’t found what I had been looking for, and how could I when I didn’t even know what I was looking for?
So, when I went back, I decided to dedicate myself wholly to serving Jehovah. I figured that was where I had gone wrong. So I did prepared for each meeting every week, I did personal Bible study, I studied with someone who was considered “stronger in the Truth” than I was, so that she could teach me, I got a part time job, and I spent 30 hours a month preaching door to door. I did not even allow myself to be distracted by dating, and this was actually one of the happiest times of my life because I was not so eaten up by the fear and guilt I had been raised with. It was at that time that I finally symbolized my dedication to God through baptism.
But it still wasn’t enough. Nobody even seemed to notice how hard I was trying, and I remember one day, while going door to door, I got put in a car group with our circuit overseer’s wife. The circuit overseer visited our congregation once every six months, and this was a new overseer, so it was their first visit. I was excited to work with her because it was their job to encourage the congregation. Instead, she spent the day telling me that there was no reason I could not spend 60 hours a month going door to door. I went home and cried.
To make matters worse, my sister was the congregation’s darling. She could do no wrong, and everybody loved her. She had someplace to be every weekend, and she went to movies and out to dinner on vacations with other witness families to places like Connecticut and Disney World. Before she went to Disney world, the family she went with bought her a whole new summer wardrobe, and another family gave her a card with 50 bucks in it to spend while she was there. When I ran away from home, one of the things I did was go to Disney World because I knew that the DeWitts were going to take her, and it hurt that I could not go. Everybody was sure she would be a full-time minister when she got out of school. My mom bought her a car to use preaching door to door, which she never did, because she was living a double life all along, and I didn’t even know it. She became a skilled liar. She snuck out and went to her prom. She was dating a “worldly boy” behind our backs. I was crushed, because even though I was jealous of her, I believed she was better than me.
Before it came out that Shana had been living a double life, it got back to me that a couple of elder’s wives were talking about us while they were out preaching door to door one day. They said that it could be seen from a mile away that Shana was the “good” one and I was the “bad” one. They also had a lot of bad things to say about me going to see an Air Supply concert because concerts were too “worldly.” Years later, I went to a Michael Martin Montgomery concert at a local fair, and who do you think I saw there? Every single one of those Witnesses who had put me down for going to see Air Supply.
That was about the time I started working for Kmart, and that was a turning point for me. I could not preach to my co-workers and so they related to me in a different way, and they accepted me for who and what I was. It was the first time in my life that I felt completely accepted for who I was. They did not make me feel like I was not good enough the way the congregation did. That was when I decided that I would rather “laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints,” to quote Billy Joel. I decided that if I was not good enough for God the way I already was, then I was just tired of trying. So I stopped going to the Kingdom Hall, I met and married Todd and we started a family, but underneath it all, I still believed that Armageddon was immanent and that I was doomed to die when it began. I had left the organization, but it had not left me.
After I left the JWs, I started to see evidence of God’s spirit in the lives of people who weren’t JWs. You see, JW’s believe they are the one and only true religion, so I started to question why God would be active in the lives of people who were not JWs. Even then, though I was convinced that God was angry with me for leaving the congregation, I still prayed every day, and I still felt like He was guiding me at times.
When I was 33, I realized that there was nothing preventing me from going to college anymore. I could not have gone before that, really, because Graham, my youngest son was very sick when he was a baby. My whole life was concentrated on keeping him out of the hospital, but when he turned 3 I was able to get him into the most wonderful preschool, and I started going to college.
Going to college gave me emotional freedom. When I took American History, the teacher first went into how Cortez’s arrival in Mexico coincided with a bunch of Aztec prophesies about the end of the world. That reminded me so much about how the Witnesses were always pointing toward signs of the end of the world, and I realized that people have been predicting the end of the world since the beginning of time, and yet, it is still here. So when I put that together, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. I realized that I was not condemned to die soon in Armageddon.
I have been witness to miracles. Nothing as spectacular as those recorded in the Bible, but my prayers are consistently answered, and God has taken care of my family when things looked bleak.
I took a comparative religion class and I came to appreciate that there is beauty in all religions, and that God’s love is not showered on the people of a single faith.
So now, I can’t find a church that has the proper fit for me. I know and accept that my only hope for salvation is through the sacrifice that Jesus made. I basically try to live the best life that I can. I talk to God almost constantly. I don’t mean that I have a conversation with him, LOL, but I pray daily, and multiple times throughout the day. Sometimes I see people in need, and I don’t know how else to help them except to pray for them. I pray for strength for myself and my family, and I have learned how generous the Lord is. I try to remember thank him for all that he provides.
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It's part of human personality to be judgemental. That's what I think. You do need some percentage of this characteristic to get through life. Of course, I've seen such people, who, before you could even blink, pass a judgement on someone as harsh as rust that can kill iron. In fact, only recently I realised that one of my closest friends from college is actually VERY judgemental. I was pretty taken aback at that because if you take that quality out of her, she's a very rational and fun-loving girl.
Well, thanks for explaining what JW's are all about. It gives me a clear picture of what you were up against. I'm pretty ignorant about religions. Even my own. And for that reason, I've turned out to be spiritual, rather than religious. I do believe in God, but as a Universal Energy who resides in everything and everyone. Because that's the only way I can believe how souls work inside of us.
Scheming.. ah yes.. heh.. I know a large part of that. Both my parents are religious. They're Hindus. And my brother and I are supposed to be too, but, we just seemed to stray away. Honestly, it's only for the sake of legal documents and all that we call ourselves Hindus. But anyway, according to my mother, dating is outrageous and she doesn't even let me talk to guys properly. I have to tell my male-friends at college not to ever call me at home. But this aspect of mom was so forcibly put into me, that it's become almost an impulse for me to stay away from guys. I strayed away from that too at one point and made a boyfriend. But I was emotionally too closed up, like I'd locked my heart in so many layers of walls that I ended up hurting him and called it off. He got angry and got in contact with my parents which pretty much blew a hole in my life. He still stalks me silently. He's even here on AP, and I've blocked him. Sometimes, it actually gives me anxiety attacks. And now, I feel that I've become even more closed up than before, and I fear thinking what will become of me when my parents decide to arrange my marriage with a complete stranger. I wouldn't be able to say no to them, and that makes it all the more worse. It's inevitable though, unless if I run away, like you did. But this country isn't even suited for running away. lol. And anyway, it would cause my parents so much emotional chaos. Because they do love me. In their own way.
And yet, it's because we're so different in our beliefs that this family has become dysfunctional. I accept them, but they don't accept my way of thinking, and that's what's caused an emotional boundary between us. My brother has become so closed up, so introverted that we don't talk anymore. Lately, we've been passing silly comments at each other and I feel happy about that, but I know that that's the closest I'll ever be to him. His world, like my heart, has been locked away. And I can't even begin to think how to breach it.
It makes me sad.
Ah, I'm ranting..
Your journal entry has been very insightful. I'm proud to say that your words grabbed me and pulled me into your life story. Thanks for sharing. And I do hope that you become closer to God in your own way and that God will bind your families closer still.
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Thanks so much for reading, and for sharing with me. My anthropology teacher talked about how all of her Hindu friends from college would go to India to "visit" and would come back married. But she also said that the marriages turned out okay for the most part because the ones who made the matches did take things like interests and personalities into consideration. Western style dating has a lot or drawbacks.
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Dana, I found your story to be very engrossing and enlightening. Two of my sisters and one of my brothers are JW's. They have tried on multiple occasions to discredit my faith as well as other Christian and Non-Christian faiths. They will use "proof texts" to do this. What makes this kind of prostelyzation so difficult for the listener is how their faith is introduced to you. First they tear down the faith you have, then substitute it with theirs. So, if you want to leave JW's, you're left with suspicions about all other faiths, too. I've had to read a number of books and become familiar enough with the bible to protect myself.
I am fond of my sisters, and spend quite a bit of time with them. It helps that they don't present themselves as "perfect people". We share a lot of interests as well as a screwed up childhood. I've also been to JW events, such as parties, and found the people there delightful and genuine. I am currently a "fringe" Catholic, but consider myself more centrist Christian than Catholic anymore. -
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Most witnesses are wonderful people. If they did not believe in what they were preaching, I don't think they would be doing it. I know that nobody is perfect, and did not expect the members of the congregation I attended to be perfect. It was not so much that they expected perfection from me. It was more the constant comparisons to my sister, and all the "encouragement" to do more which just became a testiment to the fact that I was not doing enough, and eventually evidence that I could not do enough to be accepted for who and what I was in the eyes of the congregation. Now that I am away from them, I finally know that God loves me for who I am.
So I take it that your sisters and brother became Witnesses after they were adults? It is difficult to argue with them because they are given an answer for almost every argument. They think that they know what the Bible means in every scripture, and any other view is wrong. You are lucky that they do not constantly try to convert you. My mother was disfellowshipped for 6 years because she had a physical relationship with a man after the death of her husband. She has recently been reinstated though, and now is trying to coax me "back to the flock." She has been expecting Armageddon to hit at any minute for the last 30 years. It's like being in a game of tennis and being constantly poised to return a ball that is never served. It is exhausting. -
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The common attitude between Catholics and JW's is this notion of "working out your salvation" it seems. I feel this is blasphemous. Jesus ransomed us on the cross, we are "free" to do His work out of gratitude and love. I don't think anyone's checking a list, like Santa, or counting how many prayers we say, or are said on our behalf.
Jesus rescued us so we're ready when that day comes, whenever it is. The witnesses have predicted dates many times, and none have proven correct. I notice they don't predict dates anymore.
My youngest sister became a witness while still in High School, My oldest was first, she was about 21. My brother I believe was in his twenties. They've all been witnesses for over 30 years.
I think it's very unfortunate that you were compared to your sister, and found somehow to be lacking. I know the people in congregations grow very close to each other, and seem to adopt each other as family, with both good and sometimes unfortunate results.
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You are very right about witnesses becoming surrogate families for each other. The whole thing about not celebrating holidays and birthdays serves to really weaken family ties. My grandfather was hurt because he never really understood why he didn't at least get a phone call on his birthday or a card at Christmas. As my brother grew and married, he was almost not even a member of our family anymore because he went to his wife's home for every holiday, and he didn't make time to see us. It wasn't until I met my husband and went to his family's home for a holiday that I understood how important those few times of the year are to a family, where they all take the time to be together even if it is just to share a meal. It keeps families closer. It gives you a sense of connection to them. I realized how lonely my childhood had been with no sense of connection to... anything. I wanted my children to grow with a deeper sense of family than I had.
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It's been a source of pain for me, for I'm the one to have the family over for holidays; two of my sisters won't come, the third one comes but has no kids, and my brothers are erratic, coming when they "feel like it". Even my Dad didn't show for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We had Easter dinner in a restaurant. My Mom and my husband's parents are gone. So holidays are quiet.
Anniversaries, baby and wedding showers are big events for witnesses within their congregation, it seems. Even Weddings, the whole congregation goes, but I was the only sibling (out of 7) who went to my nephew's JW wedding. Some didn't show, others weren't invited. Even my son wasn't invited, and we had to travel to the wedding. I think he stayed with friends. But at the wedding reception there were tons of kids from "the congregation". I saw where priorities lied.
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Yes, we have the same problem here. When we moved to California, we left all my husband's family behind in NY, and we are all alone here. For years it was just the 4 of us at holiday times. Holidays are just plain sad when you don't have lots of loved ones to share them with, at least that is the way I feel. We have a couple of friends who invite us to be with their families now though. They have sort of adopted us. It is nice to have good friends.
I have heard that since my husband's grandmother passed away though, holidays are not the same anymore in NY either. Instead of everyone gathering at her house, lots of family members opted to start their own holiday traditions. I still hold hope that they will all begin coming together again.
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Well, Danna, we do tend to survive, don't we, with God's help. The important part is your relationship with Jesus. The church you associate with is secondary, though it is important. Keep looking. If you lived where I do, I'd invite you to come with me to my church. I think you'd find it a great fit. Do keep in mind, though, as you look for a church, that they all, every last one, are full of flawed people.
Good luck in your search. I'm glad you are in a better place, spiritually. Just curious, but what brought this to mind that you wrote it as a journal entry?
celtic queen -
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LOL, well, my 25 year high school reunion is coming up, and a lot of my classmates have been in touch through facebook, people I have not spoken to since high school, so they got me thinking about high school, and all the emotions of that time just sort of flooded me, so I started writing about it.
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Forgot to address how well it is written and how most 'real' circumstances make us the better writer in us, n'est-ce pas?
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Thank you.
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I wish I could tell you what I think about this, but mostly, I'm grateful you stepped out here and shared it with us. It is a combination of being humbled AND selected.
If you would like to know what I am discerning through this testimony, let me know as it might truly bless both of us.
Thank you, Danna
"We serve the same Lord".
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I would very much like to know your thoughts.
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Like you, I was raised in the confines of a religion that indoctrinates service-end merit system rather than a one- on- one with the Lord who died to free us. After a born-again experience in '75, I knew the truth right away. When I was 'called out' of that religion, it was like a ship was lifted off of me, but as in the waters of life, my mast still catered to the winds of Catholicism due to its hard foundation. This made me very critical on its practices and determined to argue and debate with my family and others. Not a good thing.
Normally, I would be bitter, but then I happened to have a father who 'lived' what he believed in spite of dogma. He 'acted' Christlike, loved like Christ, was a good father and had a light-hearted application with us as children so that we were 'willing' to obey. My Mother was the aggressive one but very modern as well. Our home thrived with music, drama, and lots of laughter. We dreamed, sang and told our stories to one another. This was how we kept the 'untruths' vented and in balance check.
Years later when I managed a retail clock shop, we hired both non-Christians and also those from Catholic high schools. I was awakened to some striking differences. I noticed that those who were from public schools were very helpful and maintained a B or better average in school and a good work ethic mandated by the owner. However, the ones from Parochial schools, even those who came from broken homes, had a high allegience for their elders and authority- respectful, had a kind of 'sheltered' viewpoint about life. They were more courteous, polite, and seemed to go a third mile when helping us.
That is when I was humbled again and realized that for the sake of 'focus', I am grateful that I was raised in that particular creed. I rather grinned about the 'guilt' factor that you related to, but thought that it was a Judeo-Christian result of being a sinner who needed God.
One of our managers was a wonderful Jewish woman who held the same self-convictions I had and we laughed that it was because she was part of the prophetic part of God (OT), and we were the ones who got stuck with the penalty(NT).
. Both of us found a kind of kinship as that is the sign of the spirit-filled life. Not guilt, per se, but a consistent and healthy sensitivity to sin. God is so holy, that once we are 'his' , we have a rewarding conviction.
Anyhow, after graduating from 7 years of studying the Word in an inter-denomination academic study (BSF), my eyes got to fall upon the truth, and the indoctrination began to crumble, realizing that we are to go the imperfect journey toward God's light. Flaws and all, we are being molded by the Potter's hand with such love and soft materials that it takes nearly our entire lives. "Real" is a better description. He wants it real. Nothing pumped up with all this heady hoopla..lol. I realize that we don't have to be churched to be heaven-bound, but the travel is much lighter if shared regularly and I don't believe we can be 'good' Christians by behaviour and demeanor without a spiritual family, however small or large.
Thank you for giving me a chance to hook up in this respect. This theme would make for a great group, wouldn't you say? Lots of testimonies in the form of a journal. Bet the 'trappies' would come out of the woodwork.
By the way, you are so special, precious, and I'm so tickled you are broken from the man-wrought framework that for so long held you captive.
Love, Dianne the Cookie
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Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I really do appreciate it. Like your father, my mother was very sincere in her worship of God, but she was so afraid of not following the rules that she often went too far the other direction. Unlike the children from the Parochial schools that you noticed, Witness children "had to" do things behind their parents' backs, and thus, like my sister, many of them became skilled liars. Ourwardly they appeared to be helpful, meek, and following the path, but inwardly, they were schemeing. Schemeing for me produced too much guilt, and that is why I ended up running away instead of just living a double life like the others.
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We had other ways of scheming, but it was not this cut and dry, so I can just imagine what it was like. Gosh. How awful!
It was probably to your 'rest' that you ran away. There, I only see the larger umbrella of God's protection over you and also the discriminitory acknowledgement that saved your mind, and dare I say...your soul?
Bless you a whole lot!
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I had not thought about it like that. When I ran away, I was so busy just trying to survive that I did not have time to think about anything else. It was an escape in that way. I know that I learned a lot, and have probably repressed even more LOL, but the life experience has humbled me and taught me not to look down on anybody. JWs claim that they don't judge others, but that is really all that they did. It took me a long time to unlearn that judgemental attitude, and I am still working on it to this day.
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