Alright. Well my last journal was all random thoughts and my stupidity really shows in those few lines. Yeah, Stupidity. So I am writing another journal. Mostly because I have finished my work in my Pract. Law class, and i am so...i'm going crazy. Insane in fact.
Well Since Febuary A lot has happened. My parents found out about my abusive past with my Ex...they learned a lot they didnt really want to know...but I suppose honesty is good in all respects, right? I have completely gotten over my last "love" which really, it was because I listened to my screwed up philosophy that anything really came to my mind in the first place. Stupid, I know. But the thing that got me over him was the fact that He cheated on his Gf, and then broke up with her, and is now dating the chic he cheated on his GF with. I confronted him about it, he lied and asked why I didn't believe him. Sorry hunny, but when you cheated on my, its not too far fetched to believe you cheated on someone else. HE is such a moron you know?
Well now, I have totally fallen for this other guy. He is down to earth, pure hearted, and he honestly doesnt care what people think of him. He is his own person, and that is very attractive to me. (along with those beautiful blue eyes...)
Anyway, I am getting closer to him, and he seem very sad. I have this need to save him, to fix him, to make him happy! Is this right? Well again my philosophy comes to play but I do not want the philosophy to rule my life! But damn, its getting that way.
I do not know why I have this need to fix people. It actually causes me physical pain if I cannot help them. Why is this? I have no idea...but maybe i'm just a screwed up person you know? I certainly don't know. It makes me sick just thinking about it. But hey, we need to get over ourselves once in a while.
--Changing subjects, I seriously have issues. I have got myself into a bad habit. I will not say what it is, but I am wondering if it is dangerous to my health...Oh well. I suppose that will unfold for me in the end.
--Changing subject again, my aunt and I had a discussion about God. Yeah, G-O-D. I don't know what I think, and I don't know what I believe. I am hurting inside, and I am slowly decaying, but there has got to be something better than this hell. Yeah, I believe in HELL. I am not sure if Heaven exists or not. Maybe we all are reincarnated into small flowers and we just blow in the wind when we die. Who knows? No one will until we die. And funnilly enough, Christianity does not appeal to my logic. I am a logical person, and this...well it makes no sense. It has no logic in it. I suppose that is what FAITH is right? Faith is believing without knowing. I don't have Faith in myself, how can I put Faith in someone else??
I am just spewing out Random thoughts. It can be annoying, but i just had to sort these out you know? I suppose that only makes sense when you are up to your knees in ash, and are trying to burn away old memories. It doesnt work well, now does it?
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crazy you are not!
I agree, Christianity is very logical. If you search for the answers yourself and find them for yourself. You can't listen to the "wisdom" of this world and expect to get logic. I have some things I will share with you when I see you again. I will say it again, you have to find God for yourself. I can lead you to him, but I cannot make you believe in him, and he is too much of a gentle man to make you believe.
I wish you took care of yourself as much as you want to take care of others. Remember, if you want to help others, taking care of yourself must come first. If you are a mess, you are not much good for anyone.
You are not crazy. You have a lot going on in your life. It is confusing, that doesn't make you crazy. Believe it or not, you are normal. You have the courage to express how you feel, not many people your age have the courage to do that. -
1st off.. your not messed up my dear.. I have this need to help people too.. It has gotten me into so much heart ake, and trouble over the years.
And as for faith.. its somthing that even people who arin't very logical have to deal with. Faith i find very logical... I my self spent years figuring out where I stood on my belief. I hear a very cool, person speak once on being a christian... he said that if God was alive today he would not call him self a christian, because of what Christianity has become, and the people who claim to be christian do not live what they preach to others. I find Christianity to be very logical, but thats just me.
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