Before reading this story, you have to bear in mind that I had a sheltered, strict, middle-class British upbringing...not to mention that I was only just 18 and it was the seventies ! This may not be an embarrassing moment for some, but for me, it was mortifying! (I can't believe I am commiting this to paper)

I had moved to Germany to live with my first husband, Chris. When he finally got back from his 4 week army jaunt, he decided we would go shopping. We took the bus for the 20 minute ride into Dusseldorf. First shop, right by the bus-stop was Karstadt - a big multilevel superstore..I was fascinated by the quantity of goods, quite different from anything I had seen in England..we spent hours in the store.

When we eventually surfaced..we made our way down the high street and came across a small shop with no displays in the window, just a door with frosted glass with stairs leading to an upper floor. Halfway up the stairs, Chris let me know that it was a 'sex' shop, honest to God - I didn't even know what that meant! (we didn't have those in England) I refused to go any further and he went up the stairs alone...5 minutes later he appeared and handed me a small white plastic carrier bag....a gift (how sweet)

We finished our shopping and went home.

When I opened this bag, there was a fake, flesh-pink plastic penis shaped thing !! I really didn't know what it was, or what it was for. Chris, looking at my expression, rolled about laughing as he explained what it was and what it was actually for. I wasn't sure if he was winding me up - but I told him point blank, it wasn't coming anywhere near me!! Whilst sat in his chair, he switched it on....Nothing! He continued to fiddle around with it in our living room, and even with the new batteries he'd purchased, it failed to work...I thought it was highly amusing, that it had faulty wiring..a vibrator which didn't vibrate...hillarious ! Chris threw it to me and I tried to get the wire in the right place (it being too fiddly for him) Just then, there was a knock at the door. I stuffed everything down the side of the chair and got up to answer.

Ivor, a higher rank than Chris, and the only person I had met in Germany (once) was standing there. He was a larger than life kind of man, older, loud and smiley! He brushed his way past me, inviting himself in for a coffee (a concept new to me) He proceeded to the living room, whilst I dutifully went into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

"Am I sitting in your chair" he called out. "Yes but it's ok, i'm making coffee - will be in in a minute" I replied. Next thing, there was thunderous laughter and he called me again. I popped my head around the kitchen door and he was laughing, holding up the 10 inch, willy shaped vibrator! "look what I found in your chair". The man could hardly contain himself, laughing so hard he could barely speak...I ran into the bedroom and locked the door, refusing all efforts to get me to see the 'funny side' and come out. the more I 'protested', the more they laughed. There I stayed, for a very long 2 hours - until he had gone!

Chris got an 'earful' and we spent the remainder of the evening arguing. 'That thing', which had caused so much embarrassment - went into the bin.

It's funny how youth and naivity can amplify embarrassing situations. Nowadays, if I paid for ANYTHING, and it was faulty - I would take it back for a refund!!