Back to the Start by Auburn Sunrise

Back to the Start by Auburn SunriseEdit

I think the psychiatrist realizes she was wrong in thinking that I am not bipolar. The anti-depressant had the effect I expected it to, which was fun for a while. LOL.

However, it was rapidly getting out of control and progressing to a point of no return. Mania, while exhilirating, is really destructive.

So I'm going back to the start...

Not sure exactly where the start is anymore... or where life will lead me...

In a way I feel like I'm in limbo, caught somewhere between a nightmare and a dream, with reality (the here and now) all tangled up in both.

I'm afraid to move at all, even breathe fully, to take a step in any direction because I feel like doing so would bring everything crashing down on top of me. Which leaves me feeling utterly trapped and desperate.

So much has gone wrong, yet right, in the past few months that I don't even know where to begin or how to sort it all out.

I do feel like I am becoming a different person. Somehow, out of the ashes of everything destroyed, for the first time in my life I am standing strong and proud, defiant and secure, with the knowledge that I can be myself and don't need anyone else.

I like that. I love it, actually.

At the same time, everything is so complicated now and I'm torn between the person I have always been (that people expect and love) and the person I'm becoming (and want to be, but others can't accept).

I'm torn between the life I have had for so long (and loved for the most part, but never really fit in), and the life I want (yet am terrified would turn out wrong too).

I don't know what's best or what I should do or even want to do. I don't know which direction to take or who to believe. I don't really care what people think or want me to do anymore... because it isn't about them... it's about me and what makes me happy. When they're all gone, I don't want to be resentful because I did things their way and ended up unhappy. I want to know that, even if I made mistakes, I did what I felt in my heart was right.

It isn't that I'm lost. I know exactly where I am. The problem is I have no idea where I'm going or who I'm going to end up.

Knowing would be wonderful, but I guess that isn't how life works. You can't always see the road ahead - and if you can, it usually ends up with a detour or you get a flat tire.

I suppose anything worthwhile is never easy.

Not knowing is probably the point. Finding out as you go is how you learn and grow.

If I'd stop second-guessing myself, I'd probably know the right way...

Some new (to me) songs I'd like to recommend:

"Mad World" by Gary Jules (Tears for Fears Cover)

"Ok For A While" by Absence of Concern

"Brand New Start" by Alter Bridge

"Crave You" by Colourslide

"Nothing Left to Lose" by Deepfield

"Make You Mine" by Copper

"These Words" by Deepfield

"So Un Happy" by Society Red

"Tonight" by Dommin

"My Heart, Your Hands" by Dommin

I need to go get ready for work.

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Pure Thought
on Jul 14 2010 02:18 PM
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PLAin and simple life is a journey, go where YOU want. You only know how it will be if you plan and decide, where YOU want to go. It is ok to make changes and detours as life changes, but have your end goal in mind.

I could get philosophic, but that would come from my intelligent side and not my smart side. I think I was shorted on smarts.

I love the affirmation here for YOU and what you need to do for Allie.

I'm behind ya 100%
ears2hearyou
on Jul 14 2010 12:23 PM
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hey sister soul....I could so relate to this;

"At the same time, everything is so complicated now and I'm torn between the person I have always been (that people expect and love) and the person I'm becoming (and want to be, but others can't accept)."

"I'm torn between the life I have had for so long (and loved for the most part, but never really fit in), and the life I want (yet am terrified would turn out wrong too). "

"I've been re-assured by practically everyone-that-transition
and personal growth is ..........great......
but damn...it sure feels awkward...sometimes...."

I real felt your words....we moved from WA. to Arizona,
and after the bullshit I've gone thru in the last 3 years
a sense of peace, calm, and bits n pieces of my life
has tranquilly falling into place.....

and at times...it feels...kinda awkward.....like a bulb in
bloom....hubbs...Jerry said ...you're like a whole new person
here aren't you....

could be all the triggers aren't around me any more....
and there are so many places and experiences to explore...
it seems easier to smile and freely breathe...

they have a lot of type A women here...
I've been amazed at their sound level of self confidence
and sheer muscle....I saw an old woman..in her 60's
dig up her septic field with a shovel..
and believe me Arizona land is hard clay..boulders for rocks..
and she relished in her sweat...and smiled me oddly
like....you've never seen a woman work before?

and just my f'ricking luck I have to move to such
a controversal state...I think my last prayer
was something like:

REALLY?

REALLY ? LORD...

This is ...where....you..j
ust let me stroll into?

omg!

laughing until it hurts!
much love,
ears/Kathleen
JamesHardy
on Jul 14 2010 05:54 AM
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Some encouragement for you.
Aubie,

Your Auburn Sunrise tag caught my attention. I finished my master's degree at Auburn University and the mascot is nicknamed "Aubie", hence my salutation. You are wonderfully honest, surprisingly transparent and very articulate so you have great tools with which to journey, and it is just that. A journey that you, I and everyone else has at best only limited information to go on. Don't be unfair to yourself in this respect.

We are all changing, learning, growing and where we have been while important is not the sole determinant for where we are going. We've all had nightmares, but I am glad to hear you also have dreams. We are all working out our lives and what has meaning for us. Life for me in the last year has been like driving into a storm and being tested. I have made some terrible decisions and some good ones. I am finding that family and friends are irreplaceable supports. I encourage you to find and stay on the right medication. My sister relies on it as a neo-natal nurse.

Be gentle with yourself. Take baby steps to the person you want to become. Continue to communicate; your writing seems a wonderful vehicle. I used to believe as we get older, we change less and less. I don't think that anymore, in fact I'm hoping and working on becoming the best husband and father that I have ever been. Change is happening all the time. My daughters are in college and gradually moving ahead on their own. It's getting back to just Lauri and I. I keep telling myself (which I think is very, very important) that today is a new day, in fact, the best day ever, but I have learned to forgive myself and push a "reset" of grace whenever I need it.

Making compassionate choices for yourself is not being selfish, it's becoming increasingly an adult among other family and friend adults. It is also the wellspring for loving others. I think you are completely right about avoiding resentment later in life with responsible choices now. I hope family and friends are nearby who will listen and help you reflect what it is you want to keep in your life and some areas to grow.

None of us can see the road ahead or who we are going to become. We see in part and know in part. People who think they know it all are usually living an illusion of control. Mistakes are human and thankfully rarely fatal. I hope you are surrounded by graceful and wise family. The biggest change I wish to make in my own life is a perceptible change from others for how I love and accept them. For me it overshadows every other goal and accomplishment.

I hope this encourages you to press on; to take hold of that for which you were created; all of your potential.

Be well,

Jack

Auburn Sunrise
on Jul 23 2010 03:34 PM
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Jack,
Thank you so much for your in-depth comment and support. You had wonderful points and really gave me perspective on what I'm thinking and feeling.

I really appreciate it!

Auburn University! Cool! I always thought it sounded like a cool place. I didn't actually get my name from the university, though. A friend from AP gave me the name "auburn sunrise" when he was labeling friends on his author page. He put "North Carolina's Auburn Sunrise" with my picture and link. I was like "hey! I like that name!"

Angelo-Il-Poeta
on Jul 14 2010 05:08 AM
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Nice to see you are more like normal than anything else really.

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