Was shuffling through my iTunes playlist last night when "I'm Still Breathing" by Katy Perry came up.

 

It's such an intense, profound soung.

 

It struck me, suddenly, that my own actions resemble those of the speaker in the song - not actively trying to end the misery, but not really avoiding the end or trying to stay safe and healthy either.

 

So, if you want to know how I am, if anybody asks how I'm doing - you can tell them "I'm still breathing".

 

 

 

Actually, I feel somewhat better today.

 

Maybe my insanely long monologue from yesterday was what I really needed - to just get out these feelings that I've been harboring deep down (and why did I not want to share them anyway?).

 

Things seem much more ugly and scary when you keep them to yourself. Once they are out, in the open, they don't seem as frightening or overwhelming.

 

Okay, life sucks sometimes.

 

Sure, I have had a crappy year.

 

Lost my baby. Got the flu. Left my job. Ended up working retail (after working so hard to get a bachelor's degree). I see a woman who has the same due date I had at least once a week (if that isn't a punch in the stomach metaphorically I don't know what is). I was bitten by a tick and now I'm really sick (hey that rhymes!). My husband basically told me he was tired of living with me.

 

But really - what does it help to keep this running tab of all the negative stuff? Who is keeping score here?

 

Yes, I am incredibly, insufferably depressed. But that's really to be expected. Who wouldn't be? With hormones and bipolar chemistry and loss all working against me... it's kind of a given.

 

That doesn't mean that it won't get better.

 

I think I have been really frustrated that I don't feel like painting or writing or making jewelry or anything.

 

Last night I got a great new idea for a novel or series of novels.

 

I'm about to explode with excitement now.

 

Then it occurred to me - excitement is a change. A very positive change.

 

I feel something! I'm alive after all! Yay!

 

LOL. Simple things people, simple things.

 

 

I am still going to the psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon. I will, most likely, be put on some kind of medication.

 

While that sort of annoys me because I worked way too hard on everything to keep this from happening and I hate medications --- I realized I really need to cut myself some slack. If I need something to help get me through right now - it's not such a bad thing.

 

My antibiotic (Doxycycline) for the possible Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever/Lyme's Disease really sucks. It is insanely strong and makes me very sick.

 

But I suppose it would be better than getting one of those illnesses full force.

 

I started reading again. I'm reading "Dead Until Dark" which is the book the HBO series "True Blood" is based off of.

 

Love it.

 

Again, getting some feelings again. Thawing out a bit. I can wiggle my emotional fingers and toes. No more emotional paralysis.

 

While that may not be much - it is, at least, something.

 

I even returned a few phone calls this morning.

 

Making progress.

 

Mom and Dad bought "Avatar" on BluRay for John and me. John absolutely loves it.

 

It is definitely a fascinating movie.

 

Speaking of movies, you know what I always love about movies? The soundtracks!

 

So I'm working on making a soundtrack to my life right now.

 

Then I'm going to work on soundtracks to stories I want to write - that would hopefully help get me in gear for writing them.

 

I am very excited about the HIM concert next week (with special guest We Are The Fallen comprised of former members of Evanescence, including Ben Moody, and American Idol contestant Carly Smithson as the lead vocalist).

 

Actually I'm really just excited about having some time with John.

 

I finally talked to my friend Kasey this morning. She is planning on trying to get pregnant between July and August - just like us! We want to try again July - September, so the baby would be due March - May of next year.

 

Assuming, of course, that I don't have Lyme's and I will recover quickly.

 

So anyway, I do feel better now... even if only a little.

 

I'm off to read some more "Dead Until Dark" and put in a load of laundry.

 

I'm still breathing... and starting to not really hate that fact so much.