I just don't know what to do anymore...everything is spinning around and around in my brain. I'm always thinking of something, my past, future, but never my present. Because my present is to hard to face. I'm afraid to turn around and see the monster lurking behind me. I'm afraid, to trust, to love, everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. I can't die, I can't cry, I have no one to turn to. I keep all my feelings in because I don't like confding in people, it's like a block, one that is held together by cement and super glue. So even when the pieces fall apart, the wall still stands, seperating me from the rest. I don't like living, it's like torture, every waking moment I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, and it's killing me. Deep inside, I'm slowly decaying, forced to live in the hollowed shell. Everyone I care about leaves, no one cares, never have, never will. It's my curse, I'm never going to be truely loved without a great sacrifice. I always break down inside, but I keep my feelings to myself, because I can't trust, it's like everything that has ever happened to me, piled up in one spot, keeping me from trusting anyone. And when someone does manage to slip past that block, I get hurt...I'm tired of being hurt, nothing good ever comes from it. It doesn't make me stronger, it just kills me. SLowly and painfully, without a care about how I feel. Hurt is a word I dread, fear even, because it haunts me. In my dreams, in my wake, it's there, always a step ahead, letting me let my guard down so it can stop in its tracks and let me fall, again...it's never going to stop, and I'm always going to be hurt...it never fails. Trust, something that is never fully given without a great cause...I have to care, a lot to trust someone even a bit. No one tries to get past me anymore, they think it's impossible, yet when one does try, someone snatches them away without a second thought,
still, leaving me hurt and confused...I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm so lost...so disconnected from this world. No one cares, never have, never will. I'm just a fly in the wind, there but when noticed, smacked down and smooshed. Gone, that's the only word I can use to describe this point in my life, I'm gone from everything...school, friends, family, life...but the thing is, no one notices, because no one cares.