​​WatchOutForTheGiants,They'reWatchingYouFromTheMoutainTops.

I use to want to close my eyes and hope they wouldn't ever open up again. I just wanted to vanish, disappear into a dream. I use to wonder what was the true meaning of life. What was the point in living, if you where going to die anyways? I still can't answer that question, but every now and then I look foward to the next day.

I can't help but be happy when I'm around people. I don't force myself to be happy, I just am when I'm around people. The other side of me comes out to play. The cheerful, happy side. You would never see me not smiling. Everyone knows me for the happy, cheerful girl who never cries. Who never frowns. Who doesn't think of not even one depressing thought. The girl who gets so caught up in the happiness in life, that she doesn't believe in the bad. Well, atleast everyone thinks I'm that girl. I will let them keep thinking that too.

There's another side of me. That no one knows about. Everyone has one. Wheather they admit it or not. Honestly, I think about death a lot. I crawl into bed and think about the thought that I will eventually die. I will eventually be forgotten. Then, I think, will anyone really miss me? I mean really miss me. I doubt it. Sure, my mother will be sad, but she has my sister, she will soon enough move on. My best friend has her boyfriend, she might cry for a while, but her tears will fade. Years later, maybe even months, they will be back to normal. My ex-boyfriend, the first boyfriend I've ever had, has already gotten over me. He stopped talking to me the day we broke up. I never told him I wanted to stop being friends, but when relationships end, I guess the friendship dies with it. The little tiny sail boat sails away into the big, stormy ocean and sinks. Sinks to the cold, dark bottom.

I use to think I was nasty. I use to feel so unloved. I would cry myself to sleep because I was so disgusted with myself. Then "he" came. He came into my life, basically, out of nowhere. He just started to talk to me, tried to get to know me. I don't know why he even wasted his time, there's nothing great about me. He tried to open me up, he tried to come in. He opened up to me and told me his deepest secrets but I pushed him away. I never told him to tell me his secrets. I told him it wasn't easy to open me up, but he still tried. He was the only person that made me feel special. He was the only one who made me look foward to getting up in the morning. Letting him go wasn't the smartest thing to do. Letting him go just made me feel crapper about myself. Atleast I felt good about myself for a little while.

This is going to be random, but I miss my dad. I miss my dad, but I doubt he misses me. He doesn't even bother to even tempt to be in my life. I try my hardest to be in his, but he pushes me away. He makes wish I could turn into a gopher and dig a hole deep into the ground and never come out. I soon got over the fact that he didn't want to have anything to do with me and I learned to deal with it. That's a lie, I still really miss him and I want us to talk.

I started to crave things into my thighs. I carved two stars, making a wish on each one I carved. Also, a peace sign. I know that there isn't going to ever be peace, but it doesn't hurt to believe.

I recently started to force myself to throw up. I don't think I'm worthy enough to stay healthy. I'm nasty. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve anything. The only thing I deserve is too suffer.

I don't hate my life. I love it very much. I'm very thankful for everything I have. I try my best to please my mother, but I will admit, I can't awlays do that. Blaaaaaahhhh, I don't even know. I'm just bein stupid and complaining about nothing.