Now, it's okay. It's just fine. I don't even like him like that, anymore. But still.
Maybe I should backtrack...
I told one of the few friends who didn't know that I was bulimic, because he asked (after I got kind of mad at a bulimia joke another friend told). I also told him that I hadn't purged in 9 days, which I hadn't.
Then the next day I purged again, and when he asked how long I'd gone without purging, I told him the truth: "Less than 24 hours." Most friends usually sigh, "Ech-O!" (except, y'know, with my real name) or say, "You need to stop/you need help."
Not him. First he informed me that he was going to tie me to a pole so I couldn't throw up anymore, then he said and asked all the right things. "What happened--what did you eat? (upon my telling him that I didn't mean to, exactly--meaning I hadn't meant to start bingeing) Riiight. You just accidentally tripped and your fingers hit your throat. My mom was bulimic, you can't get that past me. (upon my informing him that other than my teeth, which suck now, I'm still totally healthy) You're obviously not healthy if you can't stop, if you're addicted to bulimia. Look, call or text me next time you feel like throwing up, okay? I'm here for you."
Okay, how perfect is he. Calling me out on my bullshit in a relatively nice way while still being supportive--and actually knowing how I feel even though I was smiling things off. And this isn't the first time his niceness wowed me--is it any wonder I had a crush on him for a while even if he's not particularly cute?
Fast-forward about an hour. Between classes he handed me a note (a little middle-school, but I can handle it). Actually, in this note he was mostly trying to convert me to Christianity (which is why I got rid of the crush a couple months back; he just can't accept that we have different beliefs and I can't deal with his unacceptance). But between the "God loves you" and "Jesus will help you if you let him in" and whatnot, he told me he was there for me. He knew I couldn't do it on my own. He wanted me to find God so I could get better (although I'm perfectly happy with my own god, thanksmuch). And then he used the sentence, "I love you like my sister, and I want to help you," or something like that.
Like his sister? Jesus. I mean, I now love him like a brother despite my past crush, but it's kind of... ouch. Y'know? Especially since he KNOWS I used to like him.
And then when I texted him today, telling him that I'd already messed up once earlier today and I needed a distraction so I wouldn't do it again, he was there. It feels weird, so great but really weird, to know that someone is there for me. Even if I DO feel really stupid and whiney when I'm asking people for help, especially when I'm opening up as I did. He kept me from bingeing and purging... and no one ever has before.
One of my girl friends, after learning that this guy has pretty much appointed himself my therapist, has informed me that he and I are going to become best friends because we'll get so close. While I know he cares about me (and loves me like his sister!) I doubt I'll ever be his best friend. I never am. I'm always the good friend, the advice friend (though this time he's MY advice friend), the one you call when your best friends can't make plans. But who knows.
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Adding your comment:Recent Journals
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