Febuary 15th, 2009 5:37 a.m

Well. i will say first of all, that I am EXTREMELY tired, yet could not force myself to sleep. Random thoughts seem to run through my head, 1000mph...no way is it going to stop either. I suppose this is what happens after...well we won't go into that.

Well. The guy...yes I am going to schpeel about my dysfunctional love life because...well because I can. And I will. See if you can stop me! (Again...random thoughts...floating...floating...)

Alright well there is this guy...and I can honestly say that I love him. Mostly because I have a screwed up philosophy:
-My sole pupose in life is to help people. This fact keeps me here. (i can't help people if i'm dead...
-He is in dire need of help...

So in my own twisted way this makes complete sense.

Well he asked me to call him. I did. He went into his own rant about him and his girlfriend (issues with distance...infidelity...trust...)

OKay. Before i go any farther I have to sort these things out. \

1. I hate his gf (because she lives like 200mi away from here!)

2. I am jealous of his GF (mainly because he only talks to her through IM. A computer has better qualities than I do!!!)

3.He says he loves HER and I can't stand it (he said that to me once too)

4.He wants to move up there in two years (I don't know if I can wait that long to see him again)

5.He is trying harder in this long-distance relationship than he did ours (this makes me think I wasn't good enough for him)

6.He calls her beautiful (he never called me that)

7.He's trying to help her with her self-esteem (he brings mine down)

8.He swears he has feelings for me (and I swear he's leading me on)

9.He went weeks without talking to me when we were dating (He can't go two hours without checking to see if she's on)
-------And Finally------
10.He apologized to me, and cried to me...and now I have learned to forgive him (though people say I forgive too easily)

Okay. Now that those things are sorted out, I have to admit...I am saddened. But, he decides to talk to me about his problems...and I help him. And I lie to him. I tell him she's good for him (though I know she will only break his already broken-because-of-me heart) I tell him that we should be friends. That I don't care who he's with...

But I do. I honestly do. And it tears me up inside...all of my friends...they tell me I can do better than him...that I can find someone who will see how beautiful I am...but I have a question...

------Am I really that beautiful?------

we talked for a long time, and he fell asleep on the phone...and I sat there and listened to his steady breathing. I was on the phone for at least half an hour listening to his breath...to him talk in his sleep. And I cried.

-----I cried because I wasn't good enough fo him-----

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  • dani girl
    May 27
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    crys

    i no exactly how your feelign im not gna sit here and go ahhh you are this and you are that coz i no it dont make two shits what people say it only matters what he says to you, im in the same situation right now.and i no it hurts and somedays you wake up and you feal like crap coz you miss him like crazy then you just mope i no it all trust me babe email me chat msn ? xx dan xx


  • SewnXxXShut
    February 21
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    Okay, I know how you feel thinking that you're not good enough and it's your own fault, but that's NOT true. It may feel that way, but to me this guy sounds like a complete jerk and he seems pretty stupid to me. You are good enough for anyone! If someone can't see that, then it's their loss. But seriously, just because this one guy you think that, it's not cool. I think that way too, but there are plenty of people and this is just one of them. Besides, he doesn't deserve any of your help or kindness in my opinion.

  • LipMedex
    February 15
    Edit | Reply
    I know this isn't a poetry entry or story or anything, but the last line, in all honesty, put a frown on my face. I believe that everyone, girls and guys, needs that one person in their life to make them feel special all day every day. That person was made souly for them and it may take a while to find them but in the end, you'll have them! I don't know you personaly, but from your poems you sound like a very down to Earth, gifted, beautiful minded person and you do diserve someone who doesn't make you cry for sorrowful reasons and appreciates the help you give to them.
    Best wishes hon,
    Ally x x


  • Lost In Dreaming
    February 15
    Edit | Reply
    You deserve better then him. Never let someone elses stupidity get you down. I know easier said then done. Juat keep on being his friend if you can handle that. Someday he may forget that he's a guy and realize how amazing you are and wonder why it took him so long to realize that. Keep hope. Everything will get better sooner or later.

    ♥ meg

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