You want to vent? Go ahead, I'm all ears.
Breaking down? I've got two good shoulders you can cry on.
Think you're fat? Sweetie, you're twice as skinny as I am, you're nowhere near fat, have a cookie.
... And all this with a smile on my face.
FUCK IT.
I'm so tired of pretending to be happy and solving everyone else's problems. I've got no problem with lending an ear or some advice, but Jesus, kill someone to return the favor?
I came to school today stressed beyond belief--almost to anxiety-attack point--and about to break down. So upset, and freaking out, because there's so much shit piling up, just piling up and I don't know what to do about it.
I start to tell one of my friends. "I'm so beyond freaking out right now. I can't take all this stress right now with the multicultural festival and the foreign language festival and History Day and my sister and her drama and my drama on top of everything else that's been going on, and I can't fucking breathe without my mom screaming at me, and--ARRGH!" that's pretty much the gyst of it... but there was a lot more screaming.
My friend gives me a hug. "I'm sorry your mom's being a bitch. Oh, and before you say anything... I didn't mean to make out with him! It was one of those things where you start to lean in, but you don't know if they're gonna kiss back, but then they do... total accident!"
"What?" I'm beyond bewildered.
"Brian! I never thought he'd kiss me back, I'm waaaay too fat for anyone to like me, so I was really surprised. We're going out now!" Brian, the guy she knew I was planning on asking out today. And by the sound of it, it sounds more 'accidental' on his part than hers, since she initiated it.
Not a huge deal, all in all, but when your world is exploding, every firecracker feels like a nuclear bomb. So, feeling like I'm about to physically burst into flame, I smile. "Cool. I didn't really like him anyways. So how was it?"
Because what else can I do? Ask her not to interrupt my rant with her girly squeals? Ask her to care about my fucking problems for a quarter of a second instead of going on about her wonderful night? Tell her to do the same for me that I do for her--listen? Or scream at her to stop calling her skinny hundred-pound ass fat when she KNOWS I'm struggling with an eating disorder?
Speaking of said eating disorder... I screwed up again today, purged after 5 days of being clean.
I'd read and heard about it, but my gums have never actually bled before till 5 days ago. Now I'm scared that the other stuff that's said to come with bulimia is going to happen... bloody vomit, torn esophagus, throat cancer, all that. I know my potassium was borderline a little over a year ago--a couple months after I started purging--so it's bound to be hell now. But even while I'm terrified, I can't stop.
... And other than my online friends, I'm the only one who cares.
And if you didn't want to read that whole big thing (because a lot of it's pointless rambling) here's the gyst:
No matter what I'm feeling or how I'm doing, all I can do is smile and help out everyone else with their problems. On the rare, RARE occasion that I try to open up, it doesn't matter because no one cares.
Adding your comment:
That's sad. If you want to talk, I'm around.
