Belonging

The Area of Study for year 12 English this year is belonging, and whilst I’m starting to get sick of that word being said about half a dozen times each lesson and discussed to no end, it does make me wonder and question a lot about who I am as a person. I know, I’m going through that ‘adolescent thing’ where I try to ‘find myself’ and all. It may sound clichéd, but hey, after spending lesson after lesson discussing about what belonging means and how you relate to it personally, I think it’s only natural for me to start to absorb its main concepts. 1

John O’Donohue said, “Our bodies know they belong; it is our minds that makes our lives so homeless.” And yes, I totally agree. I guess biologically speaking, we all belong don’t we? We all have a functioning body that works in the same way as every other person. We’re all human, we all live in a country and speak its main language. Yet in many cases that’s not enough to make us feel like we belong, and I wonder what it takes for that sense of absolute connection. I bet if I could answer that my essays on belonging would be so much more philosophical and my English teacher would be pretty happy. Unfortunately for me, being a sixteen year old with minimal experience with the wider world outside the comforts of my own home, school and city, hinders any chance of me developing a deep insightful answer to that age old question – what does it take for us to belong?2

I’m in my last year of high school and everything’s crashing down on me. The pressure to pass my HSC really takes its toll on my mood, and amidst all this pressure and fear of failing, I struggle to find out who I am, because right now I have no idea. I’ve changed so much from the first day of year 7 – you know, experimenting with different looks, different music, different ways of thought. And what’s the result of 6 years worth of experimentation? A really confusing mix of a range of different interests and tastes. It’s like I’ve taken bits and pieces from everything and smashed them together, and whilst that does make me feel like I’m unique, unique doesn’t equal belonging. I don’t fit into a group, I don’t fit into a stereotype – you can’t classify me as one thing or the other. So where do I fit in? Where do I belong? 3

Sometimes my friends joke about the fact that my personality has such polar opposites in them, that it’s seems so conflicted with itself, it’s like I have split personality disorder or something. But I don’t really feel that these contradictions split me in half at all, I just feel that they make everything confusing and make it hard for me to work out who I am. 4

So after giving it a lot of thought, I’m no where closer to finding myself but I have narrowed it down to this:5

I listen to rock/alternative/metal(sometimes) 6

I love wearing heels and dresses and pretty pink bows, yet I have a sadistic type of humour (I’m totally desensitised to horror coz I watch too much of it. Now it just makes me laugh)7

My favourite shows range from Supernatural/ Heroes to Gossip Girl (what a combo right?)8

I love action, sci-fi, horror and thriller movies – the gorier and scarier the better – but The Notebook and Titanic made me cry my eyes out9

I’m completely against racism and discrimination. I don’t believe people should be judged or treated a certain way just because they’re different. That’s why it drives me completely crazy when my friends make judgements against people who are gay, the shy kids who keep to themselves, the kids who take drugs, the ones with the criminal records, and the ones who do whatever with whichever person. Just because they do these things, or are like that doesn’t mean that they’re bad people. Just because they’re different to you it doesn’t make them weird, or scary or psycho! Okay, I’m venting. So I’ll stop. But seriously though, I’m sick and tired of telling my friends to be nice to people, not to judge them and not to say stuff behind their back. Isn’t it just common sense and maturity? 10

Insects, crocodiles, wild animals don’t freak me out, but put me near a bird – pigeons, chickens, ducks, owls, turkeys, crows (anything with feathered wings) – and I’d just scream and have a panic attack. No kidding. 11

I’m completely in love with the idea of vampires and have been for a while, ever since I read Dracula and watched Underworld (all time favourite movie. Well, that and X men... and Back to the Future. I don’t know, I can’t choose). Not the Edward Cullen Twilight vampires though. The more traditional vampires – you know, the ones that are actually evil bloodsuckers who die in sunlight and not turn into sparkly diamond things. 12

I despise anything Disney that’s not a cartoon. Yes, that means High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and dare I say it... Jonnas Brothers. Sorry, but not my cup of tea. 13

Whilst it may seem that I’m against mainstream obsession, I’m not. Watching Gossip Girl and The Hills really proves this. And, I’m well versed in all the major designers there are – this doesn’t make me a brand/label addict though. 14

I have a real strong aversion to sunlight. Understandable though because I live in Australia and it’s so hot here that the sun actually scorches everything and your skin burns within 10 mins on a mid spring day. And that’s spring. Don’t even get me started on summer. Plus, it’s literally sunshine all year round. Even winter is sunny. Chilly, but still sunny. We get what? A few weeks of rainfall each year? And even then most of the time it’s really humid anyway. 15

...
Are people starting to get the picture? Like I said, TOTAL polar opposites in my personality. On the one hand, there’s this side of me that’s a rock listening, sunlight hating, vampire loving, horror movie enthusiast. And then there’s the other side that’s into Gossip Girl and brands and high heels and puppies. 16

I’m not exaggerating any of this, this is really my personality in a nutshell. So I guess I can see why my friends think I’ve got split personality, but like I said it’s not as if one day I’m completely girly and the other day I’m completely... I don’t want to say gothic because I don’t want to offend anyone, but for lack of better world I’ll just leave it as blank – you get the idea. It’s more like all of that is rolled up into one messy tangle which makes me confused as to who I really am. Is it normal for me to have such extreme differences in my personality? I guess that’s what you get from dabbling with different styles – you may leave but you can’t stop but take along bits and pieces of that style with you. 17

So after a lot of rambling of thoughts I still don’t know who I am or where I belong. I have some ideas though, so I guess that’s a start. Oh, and if being a teenager in her last year of high school doesn’t jumble things up enough, add Australian born with a Vietnamese background to the mix. Don’t even get me started on how hard and confusing it is to juggle two worlds when you don’t even know where you belong, because that’ll take up another whole journal entry and I’ve probably bored people by now. 18