The fear of losing self

The Fear of Losing Self. What is self? Is it this person that I look at in the mirror? Is it what other people perceive me to be? I believe that self is the person that lives inside of me. Self is whoever I determine him to be. I can look out, see you, but you can not see me. I live in a house that has a roof, windows, and a special kind of door. That door can only be opened by me.1


I speak from within this house. I do the necessary maintenance, so that I can stay in this house. However, I know that there will come a time when I can no longer stay. I will have to vacate the premises. I will not be able to install a new roof, install new windows, change the doors… The rent will be paid up. There will be a notice posted, to resign, to quit, to leave…. It will be time to go, so long, the ride is over, and I will be able to say that the time spent has been enormously great, goodbye… It’s the fear of losing self.2


Self is the person that I grew up to be. Webster describes self as “ the complete and essential being of a person’’. Let’s examine that statement for a moment. To be complete, meaning nothing left undone, or left out, finished to the full. “ Essential is that which is required, insist upon”. 3


There are several ways to look at self. Education, work, social interacting with others, and religion. The fear of losing self has greatly impacted some people, while it has forced other to take a deep look at themselves , and forced them to take a leap to improve there lives. While doing this, questions will arise in the individual, “what if ….? 4


Education, some say the much to do about nothing. 5


From the time you are able to say dad, the teachings of both dad and ma ma became the forefront of your life. Some of there fears, behaviors and thoughts, became yours. It seems as though it is a race to get you started on some journey. They infest skills of trail and error, which is evident in the faces of their little ones. It’s the fear of learning, the struggle to strive to be the best, to make them proud. 6


Measuring the depth of knowledge at such a tender age, can bring on fears that only that individual will come to know and feel. It can become an incessant of learning, getting you out of the gate, faster than ever, which will soon become a competition with others. A parent’s need, to know that their child is smarter, prettier, and ready for the challenges of the world, causes them to place an insurmountable amount of pressure upon that child. After all the tutoring, prepping, studying and discipline, it’s time for the adventure of “the never ending trail and error”, a thing called education.7


Kids, teens, young adults, as well as adults all have the fear of failure, at some time or another. They are told from a very young age that they must be all that they can be. You must be better than the child next door. Sometimes although the words are unspoken, the pressure to succeed is all so real. A point so imbedded in their minds, that failure is not an option.8


The push is on the mind, it’s the fear, of losing self. Testing, trails, depression, anxiety, and the “what if I don’t measure up syndrome”, it‘s all a part of the standard to which parents, as well as society call the norm. This push to excel in education, can cause one to lose him or herself. It’s the struggle to fulfill the expectations of others, while missing the opportunity to find out who you really are. 9


Education is and has been the driving force of all cultures. The catalyst you must have to complete your educational goal, to make it in this society. It has been hammered home via media, home and among your peers. It’s express, that with out an education, the lack of it, makes one somewhat of an outcast. What society says the learned should be. Adults that have been forced to jump start their education, after being away from academic work, have been thrust back onto a journey, long time forgotten. Some adults fear that monster in their head.! Is it worth it? Will I ever be able to keep up, or will I fall behind, which may cause one to lose self.10


For years, working has been the forefront for older adults. In my generation, it was from school to work. Families could not afford a college education. It was all about graduating from high school, and finding a job in the factory. The mentality that has crippled so many people to this day. It’s sad to say, but that’s what everyone did. Blacks migrated from that south in hopes of landing a job with the big 3. And if you succeeded, you were brainwashed into believing that you had it made. Never realizing that everything needs a back up plan. We took these jobs in the factories, to earn enough income to help take care of our immediate families, as well as our extended families.11


The fear of losing self, comes from becoming so engrossed with the responsibilities of everyday living. Coming home, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and just tiring to keep a balancing budget. School, with the work that is required, class assignments, and all that goes with it is a balancing act. Being older, brings on the extra challenge of having a decrees in memory, energy, stamina and a lack of patience for foolishness’. Older folks also come with a lot of baggage, rent, friends and just pressures associated with trying to live right. 12


Young people, on the other hand, that have no responsibilities and disposable income can lose self as well. Their idea, that “I will have more than enough time to find myself, so I can do whatever I want to do in life right now, and go back to college later, will force them into that place of “the fear of losing self”. 13

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Fear of losing self, a never ending day dream can affect people and create so much fear. “Have I prepared myself for now, as well as for the future?” The right now! Have I been efficient and am I well prepared; the necessary income, health care, and enough money necessary to sustain myself? Am I really ready for this day? Today, not tomorrow. Have I looked ahead, saw what was on the road of life? Did I bring a lunch? Sometimes, you can’t stop to eat while your on that road of life. I can remember mama, she always looked ahead. She knew that I would need a lunch. Thank you Jesus, for mama. Life’s journey can bring about many fears, for those who have not prepared, planned, and though out their future. Have I got enough? Did I do the right thing? What things; finish high school, not go right to work, complete college, get married, raise a child, put away a few pennies, so we could have a few beans on the table. Is that enough? Life and un-preparedness will create the fear of losing self! The self that I have made now realizing that with so much change, you are not ready. Not for today and If your really serious, you will continue to strive on tomorrow… For there is always room to improve self, by searching and conquering your fears. Life will make you buckle up, and hold on with all four feet.15


The fear of losing self. What must I do, to keep myself from the fear of changing; school, religion, what is there to do… keep self from the fear of that which I have no control over. Apply that mother wit, get back in the saddle, no matter how hard that horse bucks and kicks. If I am thrown off, get back up, dust myself off, put my feet back in the stir-ups and ride that horse until I break him. Then pull the bridle, to make the horse go where I want it to go. Gitty up horsy. Take him by the reins, put him in motion, and give him a little kick to the side. Don’t let fear lose self.16


Where once, it use to be me and God, now I have come to know that it’s been God and me. I have learned that without God, nothing is possible. With God, all things are possible. He’s willing and able to do all things, including completing school, after being away so long, is possible. 17


“For God hath not given us the sprit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind: (II Timothy 1:7)