Sigh

I think a little piece of my heart broke today. Maybe not broke, but at least bruised. I bruise to easily. There is a tightness in my throat that I'm not completely familiar with, and my nose gets these faint tingles. The real giveaway is that my eyes feel all sad and slanty, and that sometimes things get a little blurry. I'm trying not to think about it. I have no right to. None. What-so-ever. I just didn't think he'd move on that fast. You know what adds to my achy heart? It's the fact that I have to write about this on a journal because there is no one I can really talk to. That's what really sucks. 1

I can't believe I like him. Liked him. Like him...I need a flower don't I? I told myself repeatedly that I didn't. WTH did I know? Me and my stupid self; well at least now I'm slightly less disillusioned. You know what I'm really going to hate? The talking. The trying to act like my heart isn't...hurt. 2

Or maybe what I'm going to hate most is the 'not talking'. Not that he would ignore me on purpose. Just the fact that we used to talk so much, and now the lack of interest. That's gonna leave some damage....I should have been prepared for this. I was. I thought I was. I knew it was going to happen with the 'not allowed to date' crap. I shouldn't expect anything other than this. It still burns though. Writing hasn't helped. Big whoop, who knew therapists could be wrong? Not that I go to therapy, I've just heard that journalism is supposed to help. What a bunch of BS. 3

I remember now. Awkwardness wasn't why we didn't talk. We didn't talk because my heart felt the same way as before, as it does now. And it even fell for the same guy. You'd think it'd have built up same defenses by now right? Wrong. Stupid, stupid heart. 4

I feel....to much. 5

I've never had thoughts of....you know, the self-destructive nature. But now it's highschool and all of a sudden things are...different. So agonizingly different. I just want...I don't know what I want. Except my greatest fear is Loneliness. And not of the kind a family can quench. I feel like I don't want God, I don't want Religion, I don't want the bias views of my family. I want someone to love me. I want the fairy tale that's never going to happen. 6

My face feels tight. I have a feeling curling into myself is all the comfort I'll get tonight. And you know what? That doesn't even help either. Stupid, stupid heart. Head. Mind. Soul. Me.