One last time

She points up the stairs and screams louder than she meant to
" GO BACK TO BED RIGHT NOW "
he spins around and marches to his room, her head aches, but still, she has one more to deal with and she is so damn sick and tired of all the fucking misery.1

Turning to her next task she points to the living room and tells him to go lay on the couch as she heads for the bathroom to grab the trash can in case he has to get sick.2

CRASH3

"GOD DAMN IT GENE" ...take a breath she says to herself...
"what did you do" looking down at the coffee table she saw her antique bowl broken in two.
Tears stream down her face as she picks up the broken pieces, she hates this and is helpless to fix it, any of it.4

Looking up at her drunken husband she is surprised by the self satisfied grin he wears, he isn't a cruel man, and she wonders if this coldness in him will ever succumb to the TLC she has been trying to overdose him and his pain on.5

First he comes home drunk, which he never does, then he wakes the kids up by challenging their 15 year old son to a fist fight.
She wonders if the neighbors heard the yelling then tells her husband to go to sleep before the police show up and haul his drunk ass off.6

Setting the can next to him she then makes her way back upstairs.
The light under her sons door is off but she knows he is awake, he is traumatized and angry and he needs her.
She knocks softly on his door and waits for an answer, hearing shuffling she waits a few seconds longer before calling his name "Can I come in please" she knows its hard for him to let her be a mom right now, he is stuck in the realm between being too cool and a little boy.7

Opening the door she saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, sobbing into his pillow. Hearing her enter he swears his hate for his dad.
"I know baby" she says calming him as she wraps her arms around him, rocking him like she used to, before he was stuck between boy and man... "mom, why does he think he can just leave us and then come back and think everything is just okay"8

She pulls him in tighter and whispers her love for him and explains that moms and dads are only people, feeling lost to give any advice as to how he should feel.
How do you explain to a child who has never been through anything close to this that his father was the poster child for abused and neglected children and how does she explain the pain and anguish that people who have truly suffered have to go through.9

After his body stopped shuddering from the violent sobs she wiped his tears then got him a glass of water, "son, your dad is sick, he is trying to get better but it will take time, I know its not fair but we are his family, all he has, and he needs us to forgive him and move forward, he needs you son".10

A big yawn escapes his body as he looks at the clock, "okay, I guess but I hate him and he has to fix it, not me" he declared as he pointed to the floor, under which his dad lay on the couch peacefully sleeping off the Jack and coke.11

She tucked her son in and watched as he fell asleep, thinking of the things that were said and praying that her husband would remember everything and it would be enough to shock him into straightening up.12

The following morning she got the kids to school an hour late, everyone needed the sleep.13

As she pulled back into the driveway she noticed his car was gone and wondered if it was there this morning or if he had left while she was taking the kids to school.14

Entering the house she was overcome by the smell of "last nights booze" and felt like gagging, continuing on into the living room she didn't know if she would see him passed out on the couch or just gone.
Her heart felt sick as she looked down at him sleeping, snoring loudly and looking very disturbed, "Gene, wake up... we need to talk" he grumble something about knowing and turned his back to her.15

Reaching down she lightly shook his shoulder but he still ignored her, she watched him sleeping for a minute more and decided he was really half awake and he knew she was waiting on him. She touched his hair and began massaging his scalp like she used to do before they were broken and noticed he was grinning.
"C'mon hon, wake up, we gotta talk and I gotta go to work soon" she pleaded, he asked if she'd taken the dog for a walk yet. She grabbed a smoke for each of them and hurried him along so they could go for a walk.16

During the walk to the park they were silent, both engrossed in thought, he broke the silence "I know your pissed" he confessed "no Gene I'm not, I'm scared and I'm hurt and you need to talk to your son" again he was quiet before finally adding that they needed more than just a talk.
"I know he's angry and I know he's hurt but I can't take it back and I won't be disrespected by my own son any more" he said, she started to plead their sons case but he interrupted "I am tired of you making excuses for him and I am tired of being treated like a fucking step father, Nicole, I am his real father... like it or not."17

She knew he was right she also knew her son was right and she just wanted everything to be the way it was, she was desperate for everything to be okay again, desperate for the boring and mundane nights instead of the single life she had grown to hate.18

They started back to the house at a slower pace even though the rain had begun to pour heavy like the weighted lump in her heart.
She knew what had to happen, what was going to happen and so did he.
"I think you need to move out until we get some counseling going for you and Ethan" he agreed with her and she felt like he had just given up on them.
Something foreboding was wedging itself into his soul and he was letting it take him "you know you can live with my mom until we figure this out" he again agreed with her and again she felt abandoned.19

The remainder of the block and a half seemed like a mile, both of them were sad but she felt like he was sad over what was whereas she was sad over what was to come.20

They rounded the corner and she remembered his car "hey where is your car" she asked, knowing she was likely going to be late in opening the bar this morning and now he would need a ride to pick up his car; with a sudden gasp he yelled " MY CAR! WHERE IS MY CAR?" and looked at her with a puzzled expression.21

Now she was pissed, "what do you mean where is your fucking car?
damn it Gene I have to go to work and you need to play where's fuk'n waldo , your precious ass car is more important than us, than your kids!"
He looked like she had just slapped him but she didn't care, he couldn't be roused from his drunken slumber to talk about the kids but boy oh boy she mentioned the car and he sure snapped awake.22

She knew it wouldn't have normally pissed her off, in fact she would have been relieved to know that he hadn't been driving but she was hurt and she knew if she didn't get angry she was going to fall apart.23

He made some phone calls and she quickly drove him to the neighboring town to retrieve his car before leaving for work.24

Later that night she arrived home and found he had made dinner and was waiting for her to get home, at first she felt relief. Maybe he wasn't leaving she thought, maybe he was going to fight for his family, maybe... then she saw his bags, then his brother.25

Before she could say anything the phone was ringing, her mother wanted to know if he would be there for dinner.
She hated her mom, it felt like she was a little too enthusiastic about her son in law moving out of his home and into hers, Nicole dropped the phone and told her husband it was for him, then kissed her kids and headed up to her bedroom.26

Kicking her shoes off and falling onto her bed she felt the tears beginning to flood her eyes, she hated this, she wanted her family back, no, she craved her family back but she knew deep inside that somehow it was over or it was ending anyway.27

She wasn't sure why or what was so different, they had been doing this for the last 3 years and she knew they loved each other.
In fact love was no question with them, they had both tried to move on with someone else, they had even been divorced but still called each other husband and wife.28

They couldn't move on, move away from each other, they both knew it but something was hurting like never before.
His depression seemed stronger, deeper, it felt like he had given up on himself and that terrified her.29

Laying there in the middle of her bed she watched the overhead light flicker as one of the two bulbs burned out, with a heavy sigh she stood and undressed, thinking of all the scandalous things she could say and do to try and make him hurt like she does, she slipped on her night gown then flipped on the t.v.30

She wondered if he would just leave or if he would come say goodbye, then she heard the tap on the door and was mad again.31

"Since when do you knock on the bedroom door" she said with as much venom as she could muster, she supposed the hatefulness matched the pain and she knew he knew it.32

He smiled that damn smile he used on her when he wanted to cheer her up and she thought she would die right there.
She wished for death, nothing in her life had ever felt this bad and at that point she thought nothing ever could.33

Walking over to the bed he sat next to her as she lay there pretending to be watching Law and Order "ya know this isn't permanent" he tried... "I am only going to your moms until I get straight and then we are going to do what we planned" he paused then finished with an "okay?" 34

What was she supposed to say? she thought, she didn't know anymore, she wanted to know but she didn't, the love that could never be dead was wounded deeply and didn't feel like the comfortable place it had been.35

He continued again "I am going to go back to work Nicole and things will be okay again" she loved the way he said her name. He was the only person in her life that ever called her Nicole and it was special, in fact it felt wrong when others called her by that name, it was theirs.36

The tears refused obedience and fell fast from her eyes as her heart emptied into her stomach and nausea set in, she sat up and held onto him as he held her back, she couldn't stand it, she needed it, loved it and hated it... this tender time with him.37

He slowly pulled away and whispered that he would call her tomorrow, one more smile to drive home the pain then he was gone.
She listened as he started his car and pulled away.38

A week later the phone rang, it was him, she was trying to be tough and refused to answer.
Counting the rings until the silence she imagined the message he was leaving and felt empowered, like she was taking something back.39

They hadn't seen him or heard from him since he left the week prior and he wasn't at her mothers.
She had imagined all kinds of scenarios since he'd been gone and she refused to think about it any more, besides she knew better than to think he would do more than half of what her imagination had attempted to lead her to.40

Picking up the phone she dialed her password and listened to the message "Hi Hannah, this is your dad... just calling you back" she was lost for a minute and then smiled, she should have known their daughter would keep in touch, she worshiped her father; she listened more "just wanted to say I love you" his voice cracked a bit "tell your brother I love him too" then a pause and some background sounds from the car stereo "and tell your mom... tell your mom I love her, bye baby girl I love you".41

Nicole pressed #2 to save the message for her daughter after she fessed up to sneaking calls to her dad, she didn't have to sneak and Hannah needed to know that.
Suddenly everything started to spin as she listened to the sound of her heart beating loud in her ears, heart racing fast and wild, cold sweat running down her face, reaching for her purse she pulled out two Xanax and quickly swallowed them before sitting down and trying to calm her self.
She didn't know why she was having a panic attack now?
This is exactly what she wanted...wasn't it?
She wanted him to get it out of his system and to decide home is where he belongs, she wanted him to stop saying he is only hurting them by being there with them.42

After an hour she was feeling better but couldn't shake the anxiety completely, she contemplated another half of a Xanax but soon fell asleep, thankful the kids were spending the night with friends.43

The scream of the phone woke her at 4:37am the number on the caller i.d said it was him again, she froze... she needed to answer the phone. Jumping up she raced toward the ringing then it stopped as suddenly as it had started. Frantically she tossed blankets from her bed looking for the phone that had been lost in her bedding the night before. She was still feeling drugged from the two Xanax and was becoming increasingly frustrated, then she found it.44

Taking the phone with her to the bathroom she punched in the code to hear the message as she sat to pee.
Realization crept in, the voice wasn't his! Panic took hold of her again, her thoughts were racing, she missed the number to call back, she needed a pen, she had to redial the damn codes for the message to listen again for the number.
Misdialed... "damn it" she swore at her groggy head and clumsy fingers then dialed once again this time she repeated the number out loud then quickly hung up after hearing it and began dialing... she knew something was wrong, Ryan would never call her unless something was wrong.
" GOD DAMN IT" she screamed as she misdialed the number and had to start the whole process over again.
This time she forced herself to breath, unaware she was still sitting on the toilet she re dialed the number correctly.45

"Hello" she heard her brother in laws voice on the other end...
"Ryan, where is he?" no answer, only breathing...
"RYAN WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!" still nothing
" NO! DON'T! PLEASE... JUST TELL ME, YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHERE HE IS!"
... I'm sorry Nicky...46

She heard the conversation that was happening but she wasn't part of it, she watched as she fell to the floor and screamed louder than humanly possible, she was frightened by the animalistic sounds coming from the familiar body she was watching as it curled into a tight ball on the floor.
Confusion had no real definition, pain had no real definition...47

She heard the loud buzzing of a disconnected phone and watched as she stood up and dialed her mothers phone number.
" What happened " her mother answered, Nicole watched as she sat on the couch and wondered how she got down stairs, then she heard it again, the screaming, then pounding and then silence before a gasp of oxygen and then the scream "MOM ? ... " then again " THEY KILLED HIM MOM, HE'S DEAD, GENE'S DEAD" ...48

She listened carefully to the instructions she received by her mother, she didn't know what else to do but knew there was much to do, she began thinking that maybe this isn't happening.49

"I'm coming to get you, grab Major and wait I'm on my way"
sfe heard her mother say before she hung up.50

She gathered up her little Pomeranian and walked out into the drive way tenderly stroking his thick mane of fur.
After a while her mother pulled into her driveway, Nicole climbed into the truck " my God your freezing" she heard her mom say "it's October, the ground is frozen" she looked towards her mom confused, wondering why does it matter what the weather is like for Christ sake?51

They pulled into her mothers driveway but before she could get out of truck her mom stopped her "wait, let me get you my bathrobe" looking down at herself she noticed she was only in her underwear and t-shirt.
She thought for a moment about why she hadn't put on her pajamas and then it hit her... the phone call, the one she didn't answer, the last time he ever said " I love you Hannah, I love your brother too and tell your mom I love her too " she remembered the crack in his voice and never will she forgive herself for not being there, that one last time.52

Her mother was standing at the door of the truck holding a bathrobe, then she noticed she wasn't breathing, she couldn't breathe, panicking Nicole opened her mouth wide and with her eyes she pleaded for oxygen.53

Hearing a woman's voice she sat up startled, looking around she wondered where the hell she was but before she could ask the woman who was chattering in the room next to her she winced with the realization as she remembered the words that were forever burned painfully into the depths her soul.54

He was killed, they killed him, and for the rest of her life she would wake up in the mornings and remember... he's dead.55

Laying back against the hospitals bleached and threadbare pillow case she closed her eyes and listened to the message he had left. As endless tears streamed down the sides of her face she whispered "I'm so sorry baby"...56

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