The valium has begun its slow spread, thawing fingers, toes and the end of my nose. Nerve endings have gone from wide-mouth sandpaper screams to squeaks and groans and my mind is beginning to focus on how statistics are in my favor.
The numbers were not on my side when the first mammogram put me in the ten percent category that needs further testing. Where terms like lymph nodes, density and nodules had me Google-pasted for two days, where each word searched resulted in breast cancer. Google is not for the weak. For sanity’s sake, I peeled myself away.
I keep repeating (like a mantra) that even fewer women will need further testing after a second mammo. That’s what statistics say.
repeating, repeating, repeating
& she lights another cigarette
[echoes in the smoke]
beating herself up for not quitting
as if stopping now would erase the past
& make a boob right again
I didn’t ask God to make it go away, to make it all right. Instead, I prayed for strength. The past ten years have taught me that shit happens and that I have to get through it, I will make it. Despite wrong turns, loss of balance and periods of immobility. In the end, all I have is myself to depend on. It’s not self-pity. It is reality.
it’s one of those rare
mid-winter days of blue,
bluest sky with a sun
so yellow it seems to slice
right through the cold
yet it doesn’t melt
the snow a bit
The follow-up appointment has been made for tomorrow. I can’t decide if it’s scary or considerate how radiology fits you in so quickly.
I have done all that could be done for today.
up date: my boob is okay! it's simply naturally dense
it seems that every time I imagine the worst it never happens. real trouble blind-sides you.
Adding your comment:
Especially when my morning phlegm turns out to be darkbrownish green (eew) - which happens at least once a week unfortunately... As if I've been munching a toad and chocolate all in one, let it ripen in my mouth a bit to spit it out eventually. Urgh!!
