Thinking The Worst

I hate you for this.
For making me feel this way.
For giving me this emotion.
I don't want to love you!1

I'm sick of feeling like this, of having this constant feeling of emptiness when you're not nearby, so I've got to settle with a picture, or a far off memory. And let's be honest, memories fade rather quickly in my world.2

My life merges into one between the ages of 12 and 18, who can rightly remember what they did in their teen years?
I could once tell you every guy I'd ever had a crush on, and now I have trouble telling you every person I've ever called a friend.3

Friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on.4

You're more than a friend though, aren't you?
You always have been, and after our promise, I suppose, we always will be.
But that's not good enough for me.
Although, it's going to have to be.5

You don't love her, not in that same way you hold me, kiss me and love me.
There's never been a time you can be yourself with her, where you can say anything and do anything and she won't care, but with me... that's who you are.6

I miss the easier life, when our only problems were homework and parents.
How easy indeed. And look at us now.
You in a three year commitment to your best friend, getting ready to move to Scotland.
And me, some single, third year who has no idea what to do with her life in Preston.
Funny how times change. 7

Like our pact.
Remember that?
If we were both crazy about each other after my last year of uni, we'd try again?
Ha.
Not a chance now is there? 8

It's funny, I haven't thought about all this in six months, and the day you come back, everything floods back to me... like it had been waiting.
Of course you haven't come to see me yet, so I don't know who or what you've chosen to do... But the idea scares me. I've managed to convince myself that you'll choose her over me, because that's logic... and I know that, I'll end up in tears, telling you to go, and heading home to Preston, to the arms of my housemate who will happily help me get wankered and I'll get up crying myself to sleep.
Yet, this is me thinking the worst.9

Fate could be a bitch tomorrow, or, it could be my best friend.