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and they're just trying to see how crazy they can make me before i set myself on fire.2
do you ever have that feeling that you need to be writing and you have something to say but you sit down and think about it and there's just nothing at all? it's such an empty feeling... i don't know. i've never been depressed and NOT able to write, until now. but all the things i want to say come out sounding awful and unpoetic and imperfect and everything i don't want them to be.3
and tomorrow i have to get up early for work, but i bought a book today and i feel like reading, not sleeping... or talking, but my best friend never seems to want to talk to me anymore, and my boyfriend is gone somewhere and hasn't replied to my texts since like 9.30 and when you're sitting alone in your room at midnight every night, what's the point in trying anymore, you know? i just want to shut myself off and hibernate for two months because at least then, i won't have to be fully aware of how pathetic i am.4
i haven't felt this unsure and unhappy and un-pretty much everything good i can think of in a long time and i'm sure part of it is the lack of medication, and i'll be happier whenever those pills get here, but dear god am i going to be one of those people who's fucked up for life? i always sorta thought i'd be fucked up as a teenager and grow out of it like normal kids do. and i just really, really want someone to talk to, but there's no one, ever. 5
i know i've felt this awful before. but i didn't think i would again.6
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sorry for that bullshit, anyone who read it. i don't even feel worthy for having posted this, and i never used to be the type of person who would write something about how i felt on a public forum, but i guess i'm just that desperate.
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I went through a period where I felt useless and worthless, and well I still get that way sometimes so I'm sorry hun, I hope you feel better and I'm ALWAYS here to talk if you want
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Someone once said: Writing is a lonely process. While we try to do it in groups -- whether in AP or at writing seminars or classes -- we always end up writing alone. There have been times when I have felt exactly the way you do. I'm sure many of the people in here have felt that way. If you're keeping a journal, that's a plus for you. There's a book by Julia Cameron called: The Writer's Way. In there she talks about how to "free yourself up for writing" (I'm paraphrasing) but her way of doing that is to write in a journal first thing when you wake in the morning. It's kind of an outpouring of the subconscious. You don't think, you just write and then you put it away without looking at it. Try to do 2-3 full pages. Whenever I am in the place you described, I do this and I find that throughout the day my mind is less cluttered and I'm able to think more creatively. It takes a few days, but then I'll find that my desire and, most importantly, my perceived ability to write well, returns to me. Something to try.
I guess the big thing to remember is that you're not alone. We've all gone through these stretches. Don't apologize for it, don't feel un-worthy, you are human and sometimes we expect ourselves to be more than human. I wish you all the best.
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thank you i really appreciate that
i will try it. it sounds like it would help
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I'm sorry sweetie. I know the feeling and it's even worse when you can't even write to get it out and there's no one to talk to who would really listen or understand.
I hate that feeling of lonliness. I miss my boyfriend (he's in jail and will be for about 2 more weeks) and I feel like I'm gonna go crazy.
Anyways, things have to get better somehow (how unhelpfully optimistic), but just hang in there sweetie. If you ever want to rant or talk, I'll listen.
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thanks i appreciate it. i just hate feeling so alone and useless. it's like nobody needs me and i need everyone. i just feel so freaking weak. :/
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I know, it's like when everyone's lives are going okay it's easy to be forgotten or something. If they don't need you at the moment then they don't think that you might need them. I hate feeling weak too. It's not a permanent state though, try to think of it that way.
I'm trying to think of something more helpful to say, but I can only think of pretty much useless cliches and ways the crap that I'm going through can relate(and I always hate when I start discussing my problems with someone and they turn the focus completely on themselves). -
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haha, no, thank you, it helped. pretty much every little bit does, but it's amazing (and sad) how few people put that forward. or maybe i just don't ask, i don't know. but i'm feeling a tiny bit better this morning
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well that's good. I'm glad
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