Mental Battles With Ana

I feel so fat right now. I know in my head that I still wear children's size fourteen at age seventeen, so i can't be that fat, but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling enormouos. 1

I both hate and love having an eating disorder. At the moment I am half heartedly trying to recover, but I say it's half hearted because in my head I keep thinking "I'll follow my meal plan for a little while and then I'll start losing weight again". 2

I want to get back to the weight I was at before i went into the eating disorder hospital. I want to get back to 82 pounds. I would give anything to be there again, but I can't screw up this soon. I only got out of the hospital about a month ago. 3

I have had a constant stomach pretty much since I got out of the eating disorder hospital. I was actually hospitalized at a medical hospital in Boston after being at the eating disorder hospital for the a week because the stomach pain and nausea was so bad. They gave me morphine and Zofran for the pain and for the nasuea and did a lot of tests but they didn't find too much wrong. My doctor thinks that maybe its one of my medications doing it. 4

If anyone out there that has an eating disorder is reading this then please message me, I need to talk to someone who knows what it's like to be anorexic. I need someone to know where I'm coming from. my friends try to understand but they don't really. They always tell me that I'm silly for feeling fat and I shouldn't think that way. The problem is I can't just turn off those thoughts. I am terrified to be anything but super skinny and that is just how things are right now.