Don't Read If You Don't Know Me.

Sometimes I get so jealous, it's hard to believe they're even feelings I'm having. And sometimes I can get just so angry. It's unusual for a girl like me to be this way, at least, I think so. I let go of someone, and I don't expect to get her back. I don't necessarily WANT her back though, so I'm not whining. There was so much drama between us and I'm going through too much at the moment to have that on top of everything else. But now that she's not here, I feel so weird. I'm jealous of everything she has and I feel so horrible about it. She has people trailing behind her saying they love her. Growing up, love has been a big word to me, so I try my best not to say it until I sincerely mean it, which could take months for me. So it makes me angry when people like them say it so quickly. They don't mean it, and love is supposed to be a big word, not something you say to a stranger that you met online. If you meet someone online, at least 50% of the time they're not really the same as they are in real life. So you can't exactly love someone over the internet. But I guess anything's possible. I, for one, am very much the same online as I am in real life. I am a crazy girl with attitude. And that's exactly who I am here. But whether I'm the same on here and in real life, no one really knows me until they read my page. 'Cause I told the absolute truth and meant every single thing I said on there. That's the handbook to me. If something happens, the answers to the problem are probably on my page. Wow, I've changed the topic a lot. Back to the subject.
I just can't see how she could have so many of the things I've wanted for so long. And now I feel all greedy. It isn't that I hate her for it or anything. I'm just starting to wonder if it's a coincidence that she's getting everything I have told her about. And I don't even have any examples... wow, what a bum.
Then at the same time, not only am I jealous, but I'm angry. She always talks about sex and stuff and she's not supposed to be having sex, according to the law. She could be arrested or something. And sometimes I think she should, just to learn her lesson. She doesn't even know what love means. And she only has sex for pleasure, not love. Isn't sex supposed to be about love? Well, anyway, I'll change the topic again since I suppose you're getting uncomfortable.
Take your feelings of being uncomfortable and multiply them by SIX. That's how I feel every single day. I have to be near her in the mornings and I'm so nervous and anxious that she's going to come and talk to me. And she has a couple times. But it's just really awkward. 'Cause she really wants to be my friend, and I really don't. As I already said, I don't like drama. And she is completely full of drama. It's just not supposed to be me being friends with her. It's really not. We're not the kind of people who are supposed to be getting along. It just won't work. And that's what I've told her every time she asks why. "It won't work."
Most of the reason why it's weird to be around her is we went out for a while. And some stuff happened. No, not hugging, no, not kissing, I'm not so little as to freak out about something like that. Well, don't expect me to say it, because I'm too ashamed to admit it, but I bet you can guess by now. So whenever I see her I get scared because I really wasn't ready for that yet. I don't know why I agreed. I'm such a fucking dumbass. I know I'm a hypocrite too because I was just saying how it was against the law. And I was yelling about it. Please, forgive me. But as I just said, I'm a dumbass.
But anyway... that was months ago.
No time like the present, right?
Okay, back to the present. So whenever I see her I'm like "oh shit." I really don't want her talking to me. It's really weird. I mean, I still care about her, of course. But I don't exactly want anything to do with her. And I know that doesn't make sense, but I am a confusing person. Every now and then I check in her page and see what's going on with her. And that's kind of pointless 'cause even if there was something wrong it isn't like I would talk to her. And I know that sounds horribly mean, but still, it's true, and you haven't gone through the things I have so you don't know my exact perspective. But I do care about her. I guess it's because she really is a sweet girl. Whether or not she has to do with a lot of drama, she really is a nice girl. And I care about her, so I basically just feel sad when she feels sad, but she doesn't know it. Well, now she does, possibly, if she's like me and comes by to read things. She says I'm amazing. And I only say I am because I wish I was. I really do.
Goodbye.

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1 - 7 of 7
  • Reanna Eryn
    June 13
    Edit | Reply
    Am I...the one you're talking about here...?


  • Coloured Skies
    May 14
    Edit | Reply
    Awwwh Kera!
    you are not a dumbass!! your an amazing girl. I think I have a strong feeling that I know who your on about..but I might not be right. But I hope your okay and you cheer up . I hope I can cheer you up later on facebook hehe. Just remember to try not to let people get you down okay? x

    Tash.

  • Have left the stage
    May 14
    Edit | Reply
    You know what I really like about this? That these are my sentiments too. How many times have I thought of what you have skillfully wrote?
    There are nice people about you do the right things, receive the right things: that pu themselves without knowing, at the centre of our bewilderments. All I can do is follow this read as if to say, I am not the only one feeling this this today. Well Done. Titus

1 - 7 of 7

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