disillusioned.

You know those times. Those times when you just get an itch in your fingers and an ache in your brain and you just want to do something. Fed up of sitting still, standing still. Waiting. When is it going to happen? When is anything going to happen? I have to make it happen myself I know I know. But.

Oh god where’s the motivation? Where’s the motivation for anything?

“Lets go out”

Oh ok then. Get up, get dressed, get ready, get out. Just go into a dark room with music that’s too loud, with people have no regard for your personal space and poison yourself. You don’t even like the taste but hey that’s alright coz it makes you feel pleasantly dizzy doesn’t it? So you’re dizzy and lost and all-round you are these people you don’t know and they’re standing too close and it’s scary.

Really, is this all I’ve got to look forward to?

Is this really it?

If you’re lucky you might even get to do this abroad. You’ll be outside so I guess it’s less claustrophobic, but being stranded on some island in the middle of the Mediterranean, an island which is only there so people can go and eat and sleep and fucking fornicate. Then you’ll just end up lost with no bloody fucking clue where you are because everyone will have left you because they’re all selfish. There’s not even any point me trying to convince myself otherwise.

I wonder if people are naturally selfish because they can’t really grasp that other people actually exist, really and actually exist. I mean you know they’re there and that, you see them walking around and everything, going about their little lives, but surely they don’t exist the same way i do. They can’t. I mean, all those people, all those people who are just the extras in my life, just there in the background, making up the numbers and setting the scene. They don’t think like me. They’re not like me. Not really. Not in any way that really matters. We might look the same but we’re not. I’m special, I’m unique, I’m a precious little fucking flower and it’s this bloody attitude that just makes me seethe at the world. People aren’t special, they aren’t unique they aren’t anything. Not really. Not when it all comes down to it. What real difference are they going to make? What real difference am I going to make? This whole bloody façade is useless and it infuriates me. What is the point, why am I working, why do I need money or qualifications or acceptance or approval? It’s all so fucking stupid.

But what's the alternative?