There was a massive golden gate and walls that seemed to touch the white bright sky. There was no sun and no apparent clouds. It just looked as though the sky was all some kind of white light. The walls were white made of ivory or pearl. An angel dressed in white flowing garb which touched the ground stood at the gate. I was thrilled. I knew I had died and I always dreamed that I'd make it. I never really thought of myself as a super good person, but I went to church. Yes, I went to church faithfully every Wednesday and Sunday regardless of how late I might have partied the night before. Although I never, or at least rarely, intentionally did anything to hurt anyone, I did always put a little something in the offering plate and I read my Bible daily. It had paid off.1
The angel unlocked the gate and we floated inside. Telepathically he began to tell me about the place as we floated just off the ground as though we were on air. "Yours is a perfect body. You no longer have the wants and desires of the flesh. You neither excrete waste nor urinate. Your mind has been cleaned of all earthly desires and soon all your memories will be erased."2
"Will I meet my dead relatives?"3
"Some of them may be here."4
I noted that the streets were made of gold and that beautiful gems decorated the buildings which lined the street though all of them looked the same. There was no sound, no breeze, and no plants. I realized I was not breathing and without testing, I knew I had no pulse. These things did not frighten me, instead they excited me. I was there! I had made it!5
"You no longer will eat or sleep, your spiritual body has no need for either."6
"What do we do?"7
"Why, praise God, of course."8
"Oh," I said a little troubled. I had not been one to spend a lot of time praying nor was I in a habit of praising God.9
"You will feel nothing in your spiritual body. You will be perfectly clean."10
He led me to the door of one of the huge buildings, unlocked and opened the door. Inside were beautiful golden columns and white walls. Walking around with expressionless faces were hundreds of people in the same white robes as I now and my guide were wearing. I felt deep sadness and remorse as I asked, "How long will I be here?"11
"Until your life force is needed elsewhere."12
"Is this Heaven?"13
"Heaven? No, of course not. Do you not recall that it was written that Jesus said 'Heaven is at hand.' Earth was your heaven."14
"Will I be able to go back?"15
"Perhaps," he said. "Now it is time to erase your memory and for you to begin praising God."16
"No!" I screamed. "NOOOO...!"17
Author notes
"Paigie pwns the world!!!"
In a list
A contest entry
- deep thinkers by Elvenfairy.
180 points, ended October 20, 2007, 19 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SCAREY ME, if you can. :) by Jennywinnie.
550 points, ended October 13, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quicky heaven by plurangel.
600 points, ended October 23, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - From the Realms of Heaven and Hell by H.A.Johnson.
525 points, ended July 29, 2008, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me something WEIRD! by KaitieTheLoserr..
120 points, ended August 12, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short and Sweet by WritersEffigy.
175 points, ended October 24, 2008, 25 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stories by Violette.
130 points, ended May 1, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Mushroom Land Contest: Can you make me laugh? by Paigie.
130 points, ended September 19, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
100 - 130 of 130
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Very clever
Excellent viewpoint, and cleverly written. You take what many of the major Christian denominations see as the perfect afterlife and turn it into hell with a few simple twists. I admire that level of skill. Thank you.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you!
Thanks for stopping by, reading, commenting, and applauding. I really appreciate it. This is just one of the possibilities I've considered. It was fun to write. I think it could get a little old if all we did in heaven was eternally praise God. Besides, in America, most of us have it pretty good. Would we really want to leave it behind for "heaven"?
Andy
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I don't get it, but nice detail!
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. The idea in the story is that what people view as heaven may be no heaven at all. With all memory erased, we are no longer who we were. In it's place only praising God was meant to seem like a punishment. It may still make no sense to you, but maybe this will help.
Andy
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lmao- verry nice twist in the end
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. For your comments to count for points and toward your comment count on your author's page, they need to be at least a hundred characters in length. How are you enjoying Storywrite?
Andy
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woow
omg, i didn't see that coming! i like it.way to go. -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I greatly appreciate it. I'm glad that you like this story. Thanks for stopping by and reading it.
Andy
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thank you andy
Well it was brilliantly written you always write with such a taste of awe... religious yes, but in time my heart beagn to tell me.. is this what god is made of- a fabrication of eternal memories to be delted so that we can bow down and praise him without mercy.... excuse the spelling... exellent work
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting and all the applause. I truly appreciate it. This is a different view of what the Christian heaven could be like.
I enjoyed writing this little story. It didn't place in the contest, but it was fun. Thanks again.
Andy
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Notes:
Hurrah! Black Jesus!
- Wait, there's church on Wednesday? Really? I thought it was just Sunday.
Wow, this story totally inspired another idea that I just wrote down about a social satire.
Heh, this is really cute. I loved the ending. The entire thing is so random and crazy. Nice job. -
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Thanks Megan
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. This is from a Baptist point of view and a lot of good Baptists go to church on Wednesday, Sunday Morning and Evening. Don't let it trouble you, you saw the reward. I really enjoyed writing this story. Thanks for prompting the idea.
Andy
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Wow what a twist on how death is percieved. I like the irony of it all. The imagery is very well expressed in your words. I love the line "Heaven? No, of course not. Do you not recall that it was written that Jesus said 'Heaven is at hand.' Earth was your heaven." Indeed, we have all we could desire at our disposal. The title lured me in and the story held me captive. Well done.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting and all the applause. I greatly appreciate it. No one knows what if anything comes after death. I believe that everyone should try to have a great time while they are alive as long as they hurt no one in the process. I think for most people this is a pretty good world.
Andy
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I'm not personally a christian but I had no trouble at all reading this, it made me think about what it would be like, what if its true...and all that kind of stuff. I really liked this, great idea and great job.
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Thanks
I am no longer Christian. I have thought of many possibilities for life after death, this was one of them. I don't know if there is life after death. Personally, I don't think I'd want to live forever. Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you like the story.
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Yeah, I'm about the same so I know what you mean. The story really was great though and if there was/is a heaven its probably like that...so yeah...
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oh wow that was really interesting... well written and imagery was great!! haha very good =]
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Thanks
Hi there, How are you today? Thanks for reading and commenting. I greatly appreciate it. I really enjoy this piece. The way heaven is described by most people, suggests a world I wouldn't want. I just sort of played with the idea and came up with this. Glad you like it.
Andy
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I like the dialogue and the overall flow of the story. Description is well done also. I think you could have expanded it a little more but I don't know if the contest had a word limit or not. Either way good luck, hope you do well.
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Thanks Christina
I'm glad you like this story. Yes, it could use a little fleshing out. It surprised me when I realized how short it was, but it seemed pretty effective. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. I greatly appreciate it.
Did you enter this contest?
Andy
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Wow, man. I didn't know you had a religious side to you, especially with you writing all the stuff about vampires and stuff...then I realized I was right (???) when I read it all. I laughed at the ending. I don't really wanna go to Heaven...if the place ends up being screwy, ya know? Great write, man!
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Thanks George
Actually, I am quite religious. I believe God is in all things and thus I see God everywhere. I believe that there is nothing apart from God. I also believe that heaven and hell are found on earth. I don't believe in eternal condemnation. I have seen no evidence of life after death, but I don't rule out the possibility. I had fun with this little story. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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I love the description of Heaven. Especially the roads. Very nice!
And ACK that's a little unnerving! I'm going to be in a ton of trouble if heaven really is like that!
Good, creative write. Not something you see every day, and the writing as quite good.
Thanks for entering!!
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Thanks
I'm really pleased that you like this story. It seemed to be perfect for your contest. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I hope you have many great entries and a lot of fun.
Andy
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very good
i liked the fact ur character actually thought it was heaven wen it really wasnt it kinda sucks to just not have any emotions and walk around like a zombie i used to be an atheist i never believed god was there i despised him at times now i realized i fear him he still has me here on earth for a reason and im gonna stick in
very nice story i liked the descriptions of "heaven"
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding. I am glad that you like this little story. It was a fun write. I noticed that you had only one story. Are you writing more?
Andy
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That would suck to be rid of all your feelings and emotions...You would pratically be nothing...I hope that doesn't really happen, but I guess we won't know, at least, not yet. I liked the detail you put in describing heaven. Nice job!
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Thanks
I'm glad you agree with the main character of the story. He wanted out as soon as possible. What he thought was heaven wasn't heaven at all. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.
Andy
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Very scary thoughts here... I would hate to have my memory erased and my human emotions and feelings gone. However, I don't think it would be quite like that, lol.
Have you ever seen a movie called "All Dogs Go To Heaven"? (lol, yes, I know this is a children's movie.) The dog was sick of heaven because there was no "excitement" or "rush."
This was a very good story.
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Thanks Andrew
Do you ever go by Andy? Just curious. I'm not a Bible believer as such. There is much truth in the Bible, but there is much I disagree with. I am not impressed with the descriptions of heaven. It is not a place I'd want to be. Jesus did say that "Heaven was at hand." I believe most of the time that I am in it. Most of the time I am a pretty happy fellow.
I also believe that hell can be found on earth. I am not certain of an afterlife and I feel it is foolish to live my life expecting one. Anyway, I think that the life force is a part of God and returns to God when we die. Whether it will keep its memory and personality or not, only the dead and God know.
Andy
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