Of Booze and Morons

21st of May, 2008. 1


2

Of Booze and Morons.3


4

It's that time of year again. The time when a bunch of men head to a field to play with their balls... Er... I'm sorry, did I say that? I meant to say play with a ball. Honest. I did.5


6

State of Origin, they call it, football game of the year for Queenslanders and New South Walers. The Booze and the Morons fight it out for their state's honour. If honour is the word.7


8

My husband is reading over my shoulder, he says it's the "Blues and the Maroons." Booze and Morons, however, is more fitting; it better describes these men on the field, and off... 9


10

*** 11


12

Agatha stopped typing and looked at her husband, Walter. 'Look,' she said, 'if you want to read my blogs, would you please not edit everything I say.' 13


14

'Alright, alright!' Walter whined, 'but there's no need to make fun of Rugby, it's just a harmless game. And there are plenty of other things to ridicule.'15


16

Agatha just shook her head. Harmless game indeed... she thought.17


18

***19


20

Football, or rugby if you like, is a game with the goal of beating the hell out of the other team (maiming seems to be allowed). My husband informs me (again) that the goal is to get the ball in the opponent's hole... ah... goal. 21


22

*** 23


24

'Did you want something?' Agatha snapped, 'Or are you here to remove the humour from my blog?' 25


26

'Actually, yes,' Walter said, 'I did have something to tell you.' A toothy grin split Walter's face. 'Boss was so happy with my work, he gave me two tickets to tonight's game!' 27


28

Agatha nodded. 'I'm happy for you. Really, I am. Which of your brain dead friends are you taking?' 29


30

Walter ignored the jab. 'Well, I was thinking you might like to come.' 31


32

Agatha blinked. Oh my goodness, has he completely missed all I've said of his beloved sport? she thought.33


34

'Um. Don't you think one of your friends might enjoy it more?' she pressed. 35


36

'Oh, yes, they'd enjoy it. But they've all got tickets. Either way, I really would love it if you'd come. It'll be great!' 37


38

Agatha wasn't sure she heard right. Her? At a football game? 39


40

'Oh all right,' she said, 'I'll come.' 41


42

'Yes!' He punched the air happily. 'We leave in 20 minutes.' 43


44

Sighing, Agatha slammed her laptop shut. She'd finish the blog later; maybe she'd have something interesting to add from the game. Hah! 45


46

*** 47


48

They'd found their seats without too much trouble, although it'd taken awhile. The game was just about to begin.49


50

'That's our team, the Blues, there,' Walter said, pointing to the row of blue-garbed thugs. 'They have to get the ball in that goal to score tries.' He pointed to the goal on the other side of the field. 51


52

'I have grasped the basics of the game,' Agatha replied coldly, but her comment was lost as the game began and the crowd roared. 53


54

Her attention wandered shortly after the first try was scored. 55


56

***57


58

Oh goodness, how I hate comb-overs... so ugly... 59


60

A gasp from Walter made her look up from the close study of the head of the man below her. 'Hmm?' 61


62

'The Maroons are about to score another goal. The game will be theirs if they do!' Walter explained, seeing her puzzled expression. 63


64

'Oh.' Agatha was just returning to her study of the head, when a thought struck her. 65


66

The smile on her face grew in size and wickedness as the thought expanded gleefully. Oh how he's gonna hate this... 67


68

As the tension in the crowd grew, Agatha let herself become excited. Reaching out, she found Walter's hand, and squeezed it. 69


70

One of the Maroons broke through the Blues defence, and made a spectacular, break for the goal.71


72

Before the ball even hit the ground, Agatha leapt to her feet, dragging the dumbfounded Walter with her. 73


74

'GO THE MAROONS!' she screamed, waving her hands wildly, along with Walter's. 75


76

By the time Walter realised just what she was doing, the avid Blues fans surrounding them had turned on the apparent turncoats with looks of hatred on their faces... 77


78

*** 79


80

...We made it out in one piece, though it was a dash to the car; someone wasn't very happy with my little stunt. But, I can tell you, I wouldn't have missed the look on Walter's face for anything. 81


82

*** 83


84

Agatha smiled with satisfaction as she hit the post button on the blog. She'd gone back to typing it as soon as they'd got home. Walter had retired, sulking, to their room. He'd get over it... eventually. 85

Author notes

This story was quite a challenge for me. I've never written one from a woman's POV before, so let me know how I did there. And having to find out a few things about Rugby was hard, because I can't stand that sport...

NOTE: Due to a lot of commenters saying more description etc. would be nice, I think it would be a good idea to add what I wrote this story for: I wrote this for a flash fiction contest by Tallblondie. The contest had a very tight word limit to it. As it was, I was already nearing the top end of the limit and had to cut back a bit. I'm not changing anything because otherwise it goes outside the limit, and I like it for what it is - flash fiction.

I wanna thank Gary Alexander for his patience in helping me edit this. Couldn't have got here without his help (or someone else's ).

New and fancy wordsies.

Apogenous: Impotent.
Coprolalial: Hairy-buttocked.
Zoophyte: Extremely low form of animal life.
Yirning: Whining.
Mephitic: Foul-smelling.

Sample sentence: 'You, my dear sir, are a yirning, apongenous, coprolalial, mephitic, zoophyte.'

NOTE FOR CONTESTS: Due to my web browser not always letting me edit my stories, I can;t always stick your little things to prove I've read the rules in here. Rest assured if I've entered your contest, I've read the rules. It's always possible I've missed one, but I have read them. If it's a really important note I'll post a comment on your contest. Thank you.

In a list

A contest entry

A honest critique that is helpful is the best critique.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

100 - 135 of 135     < previous  1 2

  • Myra La-Ryn
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    This is really cool. i like the way you developed Agatha. She's really well done and realistic/relatable. The blog and prank was also really funny. I liked the way you made Walter also, although, in a longer version, he could be more in depth.
    Heard Hot Fuzz was funny, and thought the first Pirate movie was the best. You?
    Good luck!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This had a slight humor to it but nothing overwhelming by any means. You portrayed the female P.O.V just fine, in all means I wouldn't have blinked if you had been a girl. I no nothing of rugby or any other sport for that matter. I have a habit of just nodding when sports finds its way into the conversation. A very well writen story and I love that she is writing a blog within it. Thank you for entering.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, it's not as side splitting as some of my other pieces, but that wasn't the goal of it.

      Yay! Another sport hater! I can't stand it for the most part, I take very much the view of Agatha on sports.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, and hosting the contest. Hope ya get lots of good reads from it.


  • WillyLee silver member
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is the story that I have been waiting for you to write! It has all the elements, skillfully combined. The POV is convincing. My wife always points out things like combovers, bad hairpieces, plastic surgeries, and so forth, that I would otherwise not be aware of. I could have done without the ball joke, but it does convey something of Agatha's character and attitude towards sports. Nice work.

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. Good to know that I finally succeeded in getting it all together, haha.

      Seems I really nailed Agatha, so that's good.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well, as a member of the fairer sex, I might have some sort of small authority on the subject of feminine POVs. You seem to have captured a woman's disintrest in the subject fairly, and the way she thinks is amusing, too (I love the line about comb-overs *laughs*). I won't say she fairly represents ALL females, but she is definitely a woman and sounds like one, so good job on that. Of course, it seems like an awful lot of my stories have male main characters, so it's possible I know nothing at all.

    I found this amusing in an all-too-familiar way. I share her apathy for most sports, though I'd like to think I'm courteous enough to at least keep from insulting someone. I think it's mostly self-preservation - I mean, look at what happened to Agatha. Do you have any idea how scary enraged Red Sox fans are? *laughs*

    Enjoyed the read (but when don't I? ). Keep trying new things...just don't lose your sense of humor!

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Had to add the combover line, I hate them. Haha. Well, no character fairly represents their given sex. 'Cause no one is the same, haha.

      Your male chars are realistic, so maybe you do know nothing, haha. Well, you know a bit about us at least.

      Well, I guess she takes on my passion for sport, or the lack of... haha, and my derogatory comments about it.

      I've never seen an enraged Red Sox fan, but I know what enraged Blues/Maroons fans are like. Blimey, you can hardly talk to someone of the opposite state without your head being bitten off, even off season... bloody sports. Seriously, constant friction all year round between the two states. Doesn't help the New South Walers are idiots, they do nothing to help anything. Should just crawl back to the dump where they belong.

      Glad you enjoyed. Don't worry, I doubt I'll lose my sense of humour, far to deeply engrained for that.


      • tallblondie gold member
        July 20, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        I take offence at the 'New South Walers are idiots' part of that comment Dan... well some of my neighbours are, but not me...

        You Queenslanders on the other hand...

        • DoozerDan silver member
          July 20, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Ooops, forgot you were one of them. Haha. You are excluded from said comment. You dun like State of Origin, so you don't count. Haha.

          Yeah, us Queenslanders are a nasty bunch of buggers.


  • Abstract Muse gold member
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LMAO. This is totally my last girlfriend, from blogging fictitious team names to the standing up and cheering for the other team.

    I SO wanted to pull her down and gag her mouth at the time but she made up for it later. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

    Nice job of the women's POV.
    Most of them have no clue. *chuckles*
    Nice title too. Booze is a cure all for all things. Even morons, ... if you drink enough. *chuckles*

    Greg

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe. Well, guess I'm not far of the target then.

      Good to know she made it up, haha.

      Wait, booze cures morons? I thought it made everyone else morons, and made the morons look ordinary 'cause everyone else was suddenly as bad as them.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Good...AND...Funny!

    Nice job Dan...and thanks for the "thank you." This has most certainly come a long way. Keep moving forward...don't look back. And, incidentally...the italics really ARE necessary and help much. (Everyone on the site (editorial) ought to have access to them.) (How much IS an italic! lol!)

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply


      No worries on that, I like to give credit where credit it due.

      Yep, italics are the best. Good thing that everyone on here can use them, just have to know a simple bit of HTML code: < i > insert text here < / i > And away you go, just don't forget to remove the spaces between the < i and > etc.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.


  • bowmore bill
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Pure dead brilliant

    I love humor, this story had it by the bucket load. You said that you found it difficult to tell it from the womans perspective...Sorry my friend, but all the way through you had me thinking that you were.
    Ps. Are you a bokkie?

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thankee.

      Well, it was a bit of a challenge, but once I got going, it wasn't to hard, haha. But, glad to know I succeeded so well on that part. Haha.

      Hmm, 'fraid I'm not familiar with that term, so I dunno. But judging by the context, I doubt it..

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    July 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hi 'B'oozer oops err... DoozerDan.

    This one had me laughing . You did fine from the woman's pov.
    Good thing for her she wasn’t in Yankee Stadium or she wouldn’t be snickering at a comb over, she’d be doing it on her own bald spots---grrr.

    That’s a given even if I wasn’t there, some one else would do the favor .

    You made her hubby so angry at the game. I'm surprised him being with her didn't get him beatup If I was her, I wouldn’t have gone home with him.

    Some great and humorous writing, but I had higher expectations for the end. I figured he would do something evil to her and I anticipated the pleasure of watching it happen. I do believe most sport fan would. The ones I’ve encountered aren’t wimps except maybe boxing fans.

    So while the plot is great, the characters and action interesting, I have to nix that ending.

    Geri



    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 1, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hahaha, yep, BoozerDan, that's me.

      Haha, well, good thing she's Aussie then, eh?

      Well, I didn't actually make him that angry at the game, more shocked, and they almost didn't make it out. Haha, someones weren't happy.

      Heh, as I hate rugby, I wasn't about to have her hubby do something to her, as I'm on her side in the matter. And I had a 750 word cap on this (for a contest, couldn't have more) and I pushed that as it was, so even had I wanted I couldn't have had him do anything evil to her.

      Yeah, I believe most sports fans would have enjoyed seeing something happen to her... but as I'm not a sports fan, I'm not about to satisfy them.

      So yeah, glad you enjoyed, but you is gonna have to live with that ending.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • Much-Dipstick
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is great. it has great humour in it, especially with the wife's sudden change of heart and the dash for the car. yeah, i really liked this. i found a typo in paragraph 25 though, it says 'The game was just about to began.' That was the only mistake i found, so no problems with grammar or spelling or anything, which is great! this story was really original, and i liked how it began with a blog entry, nice addition. brilliant work, keep it up!!

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Change of heart? Heh, she never had a change of heart, she hated sport from start to finish. She just played along being excited to meet her goal. Haha.

      Thanks for pointing out the typo! Fixed now.

      Glad you enjoyed, and thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • DuchessAura of Brie silver member
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is awesome!! I love you Dan =) You're amazing. You made me laugh and that makes me happy!! Amazing story, I can relate very, very well. That is so something I would do. Congrats =) ~claps~ Very well written.
    Miss you and love you!
    ~Aura ♥

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thankee lil sis!

      Glad I was able to make you laugh. I really did succeed in my goal on this, making people laugh.

      Thanks a lot! Can't wait for you to get back home!


  • Rosen Rot
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Haha, this story was great! It was a lovely comparison between a man's love of rugby and his wife's exact opposite views. Although that situation is a little over done, you really brought it to life in a very humorous manor =]
    Okay, edits...
    Sighing, Agatha slammed her laptop shut. She'd finish the blog later; maybe have something interesting to add from the game. Hah! 23
    I think that it should be: ...later; maybe she'd have something... Because of the semi colon..

    They'd found their seats without too much trouble, although it'd taken awhile. The game was just about to began. 25
    Why did it take a while? That part just sorta confused me a bit.. maybe if the stadium (or wherever it is) is huge they'll have to walk down lotsa rows..? Idk.
    Anyway, thanks for the great read

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Awesome. Glad you enjoyed.

      I know it's been done a bit, but it's got a few new twists, and a different way of writing it. Haha.

      I see your point with the first one, will think about it.

      Last point, if you've ever been to a football came (I haven't, but they're notorious for this) BUSY. Haha, and as I said the game was about to start, imagine the thousands of people flocking around, trying to find their seats, etc. I thought it didn't need saying. As I was pressed for words to. Will think about that point as well. Thanks for pointing them out!


  • sarahhitch
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, nice story and I enjoyed the idea of how you switched from the blg to third person.

    I am not a rugby fan, but do know they don't score goals like in football. I have researched this and below are a few items I copied and pasted, not sure if it is of any help, but I wanted to check it out for myself as I wasn't sure either.

    Rugby players score tries by touching the ball to the ground. This try is worth five points Following the try the team that scores is given a chance to kick the ball through the posts for two points. This is called a conversion.

    Anyway you can find more on the net, I read through the basics and these were a few of the information on the page.

    Hope it helps.

    I did enjoy the story as it was written and the idea was great, just need to research your info, if you had intentions on sending this to a publisher with the wrong facts about rugby then it would be returned to you.

    Sarah.

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Why thank you. I liked writing that way, it was fun. I had some grief when I got some help editing it, and it didn't end up having italics, I got in trouble for changing the POV all the time. Haha. Oh well, that's sorted now, and it hopefully makes sense.

      I do know how they score a goal in rugby. I'm Aussie, though I hate the game, I have no choice but to know how to play it (and have actually played it). And read it again closely, you'll see I never said anything about kicking the ball to the goal. The guy made a break for the goal (which implies running) and before he slammed the ball on the ground... etc. Though I didn't say HE hit the ball on the ground, I didn't say he didn't. So yeah, my facts are straight as arrows on that point.

      Thanks anyway!


  • eyeambaldman
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was a good write. You captured the woman's POV quite well. I liked the idea of her blogging and then switching back and forth between the blog and the story...a very unique way to get her thoughts! Nicely done. I didn't see any mistakes in this so, dammit! Good job!

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Good to know I succeeded in my goal.

      Glad I was able to make it clear what was happening with the blogging. When I first PMed the story to Gary, I forgot to put the italics in, and had a bit of his FULL CAPITAL SENTENCES telling me not to change the POV all the time, there was only supposed to be one. Haha, I remembered to put italics in next time though.

      Haha, there was actually a mistake, I just found it. I wrote "her self" instead of "herself" fixed now. Haha, so you missed it.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!

  • tallblondie gold member
    July 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Perfect

    A perfectly executed vignette of the differences in view between a man and a woman - especially where the footy is concerned. Your character did come across convincingly as a woman. The storyline was also tight and the grammar crisp and professional - I'm glad that you put a lot of work into this - the result is fantastic.

    One minor pick with the meaning of mephitic. Here's a snippet of etymology on the word from Wiki;

    Ancient naturalists in Italy called certain lakes, grottos, and other places which infect the air with poisonous steams or vapors mephites. The most celebrated of these, however, is Lake Avernus. The fumes it emitted were represented by the ancients as of so malignant a nature, that birds could not fly over it, but fell down dead. In addition, Mephitis was the Roman goddess of noxious vapors, who protects against malaria.

    Thus the adjective "mephitic" means "foul-smelling", but the additional connotation of pestilence or poison. Though its usage in your sentence above, it still fits.

  • Done
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent, Dan.

    You're very versatile and capture well the humor(or is that humour?) so instrinsic to the battle of the sexes be it hair, body creams and pillows that number to the ridiculously infinitesimal and, of course, sports. The low-brow innuendo is well placed as you tie it into the ire raked out of woman by man's sport's driven cavemanitis.

    You did a very good job, dan. I bought it all as it was cleverly conceived and executed, a tight little story from beginning to end. The 'short' in short story does not have to mean 'lacking'. Though very short, the story is complete. You're pretty damned smart(had to throw the 'pretty' in there for humility's sake) and it always shines through in your tight writing.

    Excellent job, dan. You inspire me to get off my ass and try something new. You did that here and succeeded in my opinion.

    al

    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. Though, many women I know who live round her a Rugby nuts. They love State of Origin... Haha, so this isn't modeled of any of them, that's for sure...

      It's awesome to know I succeeded my goal with this. Took a bit of work, and I must say, I'm rather proud of the outcome.

      Woo, I can live with pretty damned smart.

      Naw, thanks man, you is giving me a big head, my family will love you for that.

      I look forward to see what you come up with!

      Thanks for your always great comments!

      • Done
        July 19, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Hey Dan...

        I don't believe in being shy with praise. If I am duly impressed (I can't promise that as an accurate barometer of greatness), I believe in giving my unvarnished opinion. You may rest assured I'll do the same if and when you fail to hit the mark. But I've yet to see that dan, at least to the point that I have eyes to see (again, I've not the keenest eye compared to others far more skilled). So hey, kudos bro...you're a skilled and very entertaining writer in my humble opinion.

        Now, remember this when you bomb and I tear you a new asshole, cuz you can rest assured if you do, I will.

        Your welcome.

        al

        • DoozerDan silver member
          July 19, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Hahahaha! Seriously man, their ain't nothing you can say that will put me off that much. I mean, I've had my stuff maimed about as much it can, and I've come out the other side rather annoyed, but otherwise unscathed.

          Gee, now I'm really tempted to bomb just to see what you say. Haha.

          • Done
            July 19, 2008
            Edit | Reply

            You go, cowboy...

            I'll be watin' right 'ere with ma lasso...


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    w00t!! You funny bastard, you.
    Always hilarious to read your stories ... Nice one. And I like that you've branched out into new areas.
    Great job, as always.

100 - 135 of 135     < previous  1 2