Why I Don't Write Romance

They walked hand in hand down the path, the sunlight streaming through the trees casting soft shadows on them both. 1

Charles gazed into Samantha's eyes as he murmured, 'You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, my dear.'2

Samantha smirked as she said, 'you are so cheesy, Charles.'3

He grinned an ear-splitting grin, and kissed her lightly on the cheek. 'I know, but you love it.'4

She just laughed. He was right; she did love it. She laid her head on his shoulder, feeling his steady pulse as they walked slowly through the park.5

Charles took a measured breath, savouring the sweet smell of her perfume. He kissed her hair and smiled. 6

They walked in silence awhile, simply enjoying each other's presence.7

Charles bit his lip nervously; steeling himself for what he was about to do. 8

He stopped walking.9

Samantha looked up at him, curiosity only slightly diluting the love in her eyes. 10

'Samantha.' He paused as he knelt down on one knee and pulled something from his pocket. 'Samantha, will you marry me?' he asked, his voice soft but steady as he carefully opened the small box and held it up to her.11

A tear trickled down her cheek as she smiled at him through misty eyes. Her mouth opened to give her answer.12

Blam!13

'Boom! Head shot!' yelled a voice.14

Charles' eyes widened in horror as Samantha's head exploded in a shower of red. He swallowed with difficulty as her body tottered, then with slow grace fell backwards onto the now - somewhat - red grass.15

He stared in shock at her, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water as he tried to comprehend what had happened.16

For a full minute he stared at her body before, finally, he spoke.17

'...Samantha...?' he croaked, before lapsing again into silence.18

The sounds of children playing in the park filtered through the trees.19

As the shock of what happened left, he scowled as he said, 'Aww dammit, not again.' 20

He stood up, pocketed the ring, and stalked sullenly off into the gathering dusk.21

Author notes

Err.... To many late nights, and long days at work? Haha, enjoy.

DoozerDan's me name, for whoever was asking.

In a list

A contest entry

Bet you didn't see that coming ;)

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

100 - 198 of 229     < previous  1 2 3  next >  (show all)
  • Naive.
    June 8, 2008

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    Oh, goodness. No, I did NOT see that coming. But I loved it. I love how well you wrote the first part; how it feels so sweet and romantic. I love the humor in the second part, and I also love the sped-up pace. Poor, poor Charles. Looks like he just can't catch a break. xD. Great job on this.

    Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!

    -jj

    PS - I adore the title.

  • Gary Alexander
    June 7, 2008

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    I know just what you are doing and what you wish to achieve...and it is a worthwhile exercise. Taking something going in one direction, invariably, inevitably, and then defying all G-Forces and standing it on its head...or abruptly twisting directions and screwing off the heads of your readers. It shows thought, innnovative thinking, and creativity. Most of the comments below are by good people and most of what needs to be said has already been said. I would only call to mind the opening several paragraphs...each beginning with either "Samantha" or "Charles." I would remedy this...always try for more color and variety. Don't drone.
    Otherwise...good shot...unique! Vive la Difference! Screw expectation! Very nice.

    • DoozerDan
      June 7, 2008
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      Woo! Viva la difference! I love trying to be unique, and new. It is insanely hard to do, but sometimes, I feel like I've managed. This is one such story. Which the idea of, I have to thank my older brother for.

      Ah yes, another point to fix, will get that ASAP. Thanks for pointing it out.

      I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for the kind comment, and the applause!

  • tallblondie
    June 7, 2008

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    I read this the other day (before the previous two commentators) and upon reading it again, am delighted to see you made the necessary changes.

    There are, however, some more changes that could be made to improve this piece.

    For instance your use of adverbs (use of adverbs are fine, though there are often better ways of saying things) especially overuse of those that end with -ly;

    [2] 'softly said' this could be replaced with a closer approximation of what you mean to infer. This could be interpreted by the reader as whispered, murmured, muttered etc as they are all things that can be 'softly said'

    [3]'smiled playfully' - could be read as a range of things depending on the reader's interpretation of 'playfully' - again with [4] 'grinned broadly'
    both of these could be followed with a description of what your characters looked like with they 'smiled playfully' or 'grinned broadly' if you insist on using these adjectives. For example;
    'Samantha smiled playfully back at him, her lips quirking as she spoke...' or
    'He grinned broadly at her, cheeks dimpling...'
    Its more of a way of letting the reader know the effect of adjective.

    [6] 'breathed deeply' - again could be written differently. Two paragraphs down in [8] you basically repeat a version of this; 'Charles took a deep breath...' Try replacing 'breathed deeply' with 'Charles took a measured breath, savouring...' 'measured' compliments the fact that he 'savoured' her scent (and the savour something you have to take your time)

    [11]'asked quietly' - could be 'asked in a soft undertone, his voice shaking..' - personally I believe the sheer importance of the question merits more than just an 'asked quietly'

    Apart from those suggestions, I felt that the first sentence of paragraph [5] is awkward;
    'Samantha laughed a tinkly laugh but didn't say anything, he was right.' - I would suggest re-writing the proposition that she 'laughed a tinkly laugh'

    As for the merit of the story, I quite enjoyed the humour of the piece. It seemed to come across as almost 'Monty Pyphon-ish' in the stark turn of events. I could almost imagine soppy 'love' themed music, then the sound of film breaking/skipping as you move the story into this farcical scene of her being shot and his reaction to it.

    As for why some people don't pick grammer/punctuation errors etc, most people like to give 'feel good' comments. Me - I give comments to help people improve, and with the hope that others do the same for me. Even if a story is well written and I can see room for improvement, I will say so. I hope that you will interpret this comment as such.

    • DoozerDan
      June 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yay! More stuff to fix. I see what you mean, and it does sound a bit... vague, now I read it again with that in mind. I've changed said points, and hopefully they sound better now!

      Yeah, tinkly laugh is gone, though I got nothing against "tinkly laugh" I've heard it used by some quite big name authors, so it must be alright.

      See, that sort of comment is fine, telling people what to fix, but you gotta stick something positive in, or people get depressed, or just ignore you (you two below, you can learn from Blondie's comment).

      Yeah, I'm a big Monty Python fan... it might show >.>

      Heh, I much prefer the comments that are helpful, but feel good ones are nice.

      Thanks for the comment and applause!

  • eyeambaldman
    June 6, 2008

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    First off, you need double quotation marks for dialogue. That kind of stuff drives me crazy! No offense, but it's like people write but don't freakin' read!

    'graph 5: "tinkly" laugh? When I see the word "tinkly" it reminds me of "tinkle" which reminds me of urinating...you might try a better adjective there. Also, that same sentence is a run-on. You need a period before the phrase "he was right."

    'graph 7: Simply enjoying each other's presence--also a run-on.

    'graph 11: Nix the last comma in this 'graph. It is not needed.

    'graph 12: "check" should be "cheek"

    'graph 16: "fish out of water" is cliche...I'm sure you could find a more imaginative way to say it.



    'graph 17: This sentence is just plain awkward. It need re-worded.

    'graph 19: The comma in this 'graph is not needed.

    This was kind of a funny story. I think you sort of give away the ending from the title. I knew going into this that this wasn't going to end happily because of your title.

    For the most part, your grammar detracts from the story, making it hard to read. I suspect (as is normal on SW) the reason this has so many reviews is two-fold. #1 You've entered it in nearly 20 contests--which automatically will get you plenty of reads. #2 This story is SOOOO short! As is common on SW, shorter stories will get the reads because people are too lazy to invest their time in a 3500 word masterpiece. I guarantee there are excellent stories on this site that are over 4000 words that DON'T get the comments (and I know a few of the writers--Delfishie, for one) because of the story length.

    As can be seen by most of the comments, they are short. Unfortunately that is the ADHD of Internet world.






    • DoozerDan
      June 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      To your first point... I'm Australian, so I don't write the American way, which uses double quotation marks, I use the single form, like the English do... So I don't -need- to do it. So I guess you don't read anything/much by English authors then, eh? I read a lot too, by the way.

      Yeah, I've been told the grammar detracts (see comment below), and will, in time, get round to fixing it. Thank you for pointing out all that, it makes it easier for me to fix.

      I know I gave it away with the title, but the title stays. If I change the title, I won't get the people that will really enjoy the story reading, the only reason those people read, is because they suspect not is all well.

      Well, I've actually entered it in near... 30 contests, maybe more. But I deleted it from the ones I didn't win in, to cut the list down a bit. Nothing wrong with that, is there? Oh, I know the longer stories don't get so many reads, my personal favourite story of mine is quite long, hasn't got anywhere the reads this has. You really gotta have something which drags people in, to get them to read that much. Not an easy thing to do.



  • daftweejimmy
    June 5, 2008

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    The idea's sound, but.................

    You asked me to look at this, and the way you presented it was fine. HOWEVER there is a lot that could be done to turn it from good to exceptional. And yes, it's grammar in all its hoary headed wonder and splendour that you have defiled with ink-bombs.

    Para 5 is where it starts to go downhill. Lose the comma between "laugh" and "but". Period after "Right". "Lay" should be "Laid" in the next sentence, or leaned would be an option. There's no such thing as an "easy pulse". There is a wide selection, from torpid to galloping. Perhaps "even" would be what you want, I don't know.

    Para 7 is one sentence. Lose the period, replace with a comma. Apostrophe as in "other's".

    Para 11. You don't kneel on one leg, it's the knee; the clue's in the word! The last phrase from "box" is redundant, because you told us he pulled something from his pocket.

    Para 12. I assume "Check" should be cheek.

    Para 15. To begin with, I thought Charles swallowed with difficulty because he was trying to eat Samantha, and of course that would have been rather a large meal, and her head exploding would have given him pause. Sorry, just my little joke, I actually quite liked this.

    Para 16 is really quite atrocious, grammatically speaking. First period should be a comma, make it "opening and closing, like a fish out of water".


    Let me make one final point. You ignore grammar and spelling at your peril, and that peril is poor communication and fewer reads. Good grammar doesn't kill style, it enhances it. You may not like the work involved, and emphasising your taste for what you loosely refer to as "Style" begs the obvious question: if style is killed by good grammar, what price the "style"? You are free to make the experiment, to find out for yourself how many share the opinion that style should be unfettered by more conventional restrictions; ask your favourite author, Terry Pratchett. Better still, re-read his works. Almost all his best jokes and witticisms depend on word-play, especially the conversations between Vimes and Detritus. Just look at them again, and I defy you to find bad grammar there that wasn't intentional. To make use of deliberately bad grammar to make a joke argues a clear and comprehensive understanding of conventional grammar. It also depends on the reader understanding same for the joke to work.

    From this, you will understand that style without substance is like butter without bread; work it out for yourself.

    • DoozerDan
      June 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Well... bugger...

      I think I might have to give up writing, because I dun have the time (Seriously, I work 60 hours a week, have two bands to write and record music for, Mauy Thai boxing twice a week, church, church commitments, and always something or other else) to be able to learn all the grammar involved at the moment... As I keep saying. But which is better: Not writing at all, or writing and going back to fix it at some later date (much later in this case).

      I think you're reading to much into what I meant by style... but anyway, I guess I asked you to go through this, so should have been expecting something along those lines...

      But what I wonder is why NO ONE else has noticed or pointed out any of said mistakes...

      Oh well, thanks anyway.

  • Vampiric souls
    June 3, 2008
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    I DID not see THAT coming, it is very different and I enjoyed it a lot, thanks for entering,

  • Swords of Ireland
    June 2, 2008

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    Thanks for entering!

    Wow this was... errr... I don't even know, mate... EXCELENT! loved it, by the way great twist.lol. very unexpected! haha, loved it.lol. I have a friend that writes pretty much the same thing... but she's more goretacular... actually you should read her stuff, so far she doesn't have anything on HERE quite like this, but she does have work on paper that is such. her names FourFreedoms on here.

    Damian

  • Missi
    June 2, 2008

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    Your right I did not see it coming but it was worth a laugh.
    I really like this ALOT.
    I liked the title very different then others.
    Thanks for entering my contest and GOOD LUCK

    -Missi

  • Twilight-Lover
    May 28, 2008

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    Amazingly creative and funny

    This was really good. It was so romantic and humerous. I wish you the best of luck in my contest. Keep up the good work.

    • DoozerDan
      May 28, 2008
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      Thankee muchly. Sad that in my story on why I -don't- write romance, I actually do it well. Ironic, no?

      Thanks for the commenting and applause!


  • Lover of Stories
    May 19, 2008
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    Lol! That was funny. Keep writing!

  • xsallysoursocksx
    May 19, 2008

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    ZOMG!

    that was freaking fantastic! I adore that! jeez! that was fabulous! wow, i wish i could come up with that kind of stuff, wow! that was amazing.

    • DoozerDan
      May 19, 2008
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      I wish I could come up with plots like this myself. Alas, it's my older brother who has the great ideas for wicked cool stories, he just can't write, so I get that job. And this is what happens.

      Glad you enjoyed

  • NinjaMegami
    May 19, 2008
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    yeah.....

    is this really why you don't like romance??

    • DoozerDan
      May 19, 2008
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      I hate reading romance, it makes me sick. So I wrote what I wish would happen in most romance books/movies.

      Don't get me wrong though, I got nothing against romance itself, I just don't like reading or watching it.

      • NinjaMegami
        May 19, 2008
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        heh.....

        i don't like romance either! action, and descriptions are better!

  • NinjaMegami
    May 19, 2008

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    wow

    somewhat funny + creepy. i really don't get what happend.....but it's VERY original! .......... ( at a loss of words..... )

    • DoozerDan
      May 19, 2008
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      Haha.

      Um, what is not to get? She got shot...

      Haha, anyway. Glad it gets "orginal"

      *Wonders if he should scrape this and enter another story instead*

      • NinjaMegami
        May 19, 2008
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        no!

        don't! i like this!! i thought she was shot.....

        • DoozerDan
          May 19, 2008
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          Hehe. That's good to know Sometimes people really don't get what's going on... that's scary.

          I'm glad you like it

  • Stryke Greeters member
    May 12, 2008

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    This was very fun to read. I was surprised by the twist, but that -in my opinion- was the best part of the whole thing. Good mood setting too. Thanks for the opportunity. ~D

  • Trillian
    May 4, 2008

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    =D

    "Head shot!" YES that's amazing =D
    I love the way it was written. It gave me a good mental image and just made it even more hilarious.
    Romance is for sissies. Teehee.
    ~Dasha~

    • DoozerDan
      May 4, 2008
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      Hehe, thank you I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the applause! Add to my massive collection. *wonders just how many points he's gotten from this contest.*

  • plurangel
    May 4, 2008

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    lol wow i did not expect the humor or the insanity of it very good and short and i think now i understand why you dont write romance haha

  • Lady-Jane
    May 2, 2008

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    That was horrible! Not the righting, the story! That is terrible! Gah, if i was in a good mood right now i would completely adore this, especially the not again part, but now it just makes me sad.. Great job.

    • DoozerDan
      May 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hmm, wanna read it again when you're in a good mood? Haha, well, I guess if it makes you sad, that was one of the things listed in the contest thingy... ah-hah. *Is unsure if that's a positive comment or not*

      Thanks for commenting

  • loyda
    April 30, 2008
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    98....friggin.....comments....! 0.o

    and this is the 99th!

    heck man, i am jelous

    • DoozerDan
      April 30, 2008
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      I reply to them... that pretty much doubles the number of comments...

      This is the 100.

  • JuliaAlexandrovna
    April 29, 2008
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    Lmao. I love you. This made me laugh a lot. I hate happy endings.

    x Julez

    • DoozerDan
      April 29, 2008
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      I'm pleased my little tale fulfilled it's task.

      Well, it is a happy ending, it made you happy? Sure it made words on paper unhappy, but you're happy, so as far as I'm concerned, it's a happy ending


  • EphemeralStyle
    April 27, 2008
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    I've commented on this before, so I'll just re-cap... I loved how weird this was, and particularly Charles' reaction ^^ Great work, and good luck in the contest.

    Eph

    • DoozerDan
      April 27, 2008
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      Wow, two comments That's a first.

      SO, did I get this? "Is incredibly weird, and is something my strange mind has never thought of."

  • KattyLovesChris
    April 25, 2008

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    ha ha, this was hilarious!! But, the thing i didn't quite get was how her head blew up?? Oh well, still hysterical, thank u for entering and good luck!

    *KAT*

  • moonwriter
    April 25, 2008

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    lmao. That was hysterical!!!!! I love that so much! It was creative, witty, and really really funny. I was laughing so hard


  • BorntothePurple
    April 23, 2008

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    It's really something how four little words can make a story. "Not again..." That's just great! It made the whole story so much better and added so much dimension.

    You definitely lulled me into a false sense of security here. And the background did too. As much as I liked the title, have you thought of putting "This is why I don't write romance" in your author's notes and naming the story something ambiguous like "A Day in the Park?" With your title, I was expecting something funny or bad to happen (though admittedly not that!) and with a different title, the shock value would be so much greater. That's just a suggestion, the story is fine as it is.

    Thanks for entering, great job!

    • DoozerDan
      April 23, 2008
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      My favourite line in the whole story

      I have thought of using a different title, but I decided, when I first wrote the story, if I had something like "A Day in the Park" then the people who would appreciate the humour, probably wouldn't even get passed the first few lines before giving up. So I needed some hint that something might happen. But that's for the suggestion, I appreciate all


  • ParadoxicalOxymoron
    April 22, 2008

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    No, I certainly didn't see that coming Wow. I'm still in a state of shock. Whew.

    Anyways, I loved this write, and I thought that it was pretty clever. You might want to proofread - there's a few commas in weird places in there.

    I loved it when he said, 'Not again.' Haha, that was really funny. Really shows his past.

    Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for entering!


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    April 21, 2008

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    I understand the twist but what I don't understand is how her head exploded. It was a weird reaction from her buddy but I guess that was where the humor was. Thank you for entering the contest and good luck.

    • DoozerDan
      April 21, 2008
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      Gun, she was shot. "Boom! Head-shot-!" It suddenly makes sense why some people were asking how she died. I always thought it was pretty clear that she was shot. But I guess not. And yes, that is where part of the humour lies, the other part is just from the sheer WTH of the story. Thanks for commenting


  • EphemeralStyle
    April 21, 2008

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    Lmao!! I love his reaction to it. Can't stop laughing. I was expecting some sort of humour in here because of the title, but not that ^^" Seriously, this is awesome. How did you get the idea for it?

    • DoozerDan
      April 21, 2008
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      Glad you enjoyed.

      I got the idea, partly from my elder brother, he suggested something like a couple walking down the path all lovely dovey, then bam, she dies. So that's what happened, with a few tweaks to make it way funny


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ Moderators member
    April 14, 2008

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    OMG - You sick *******!!
    Ho ..once I got over that shock ...I saw the funny side, anyway ... Whew. That was a kick in the crotch and that line .."Oh no not again."

    Nice and good luck in my contest.

  • Rosemary
    April 14, 2008
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    Nice twist

    Thanks for entering my contest and good luck

  • scriptor
    April 12, 2008
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    wow i was shocked but at the same time i couldnt help but laugh

  • lydsweetiepie96
    March 29, 2008
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    =] I love it!!! Good Luck in the contests!!!! Great job!!! Keep writing!!!!


  • Blackwings
    March 17, 2008

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    Wow what a twist! I especially liked his reaction ^.^ It was funny ^.^ Thanks for entering in my contest ^.^ and goooooooooood Luck

    ~Blackwings

  • stillyoung
    March 16, 2008

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    Wow...

    I was kind of shocked at first. I didn't know what to make of it. But then if you look at it as a comic--completely fictional cartoon--it does seem a bit funny (in the most twisted sense).
    So...

    HA! HA! HA!

  • Cheerful-Panda
    March 13, 2008

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    HAHA WTF?
    Poor guy! didn't know his fiance's heads kept exploding. Totally unexpected!
    You really had me going there on the whole romance thing but that was a total twist!
    I love mexican food too
    Good luck in the contest verry funny

    • DoozerDan
      March 13, 2008
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      Hmmm, most people say poor girl

      Mmm, real twist ending, but for all that, I didn't win either of the comps I entered for twist/surprise endings... Haha.


  • rosesofpassion
    March 11, 2008

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    Wait..., I don't get it. How'd she die? Sorry, sometimes it seems like I was hiding behind the door when the common sense was being handed out. Otherwise this was well written.

    • DoozerDan
      March 11, 2008
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      Umm... Mebbe you should reread line 15... The one about her head exploding? Ah-hah.

      Haha. Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.

  • MoonRoseWolf
    March 9, 2008

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    Who....Wh.....HA HA!......huh?
    Wow, I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but I do have a big smile on my face...
    This was weird, but also one of the funniest things I've heard for a whole, well done!

    ~Miranda

  • hey incendiary
    March 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Forgot the applause!

  • hey incendiary
    March 4, 2008