A Hamlet soliloquy -rewritten-

To pee, or not to pee– that is the question: 1

Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer2

The bursting of my already full bladder,3

Or to take a trip to the cold and drafty tower,4

And release the tide. To relax, to unclench–5

No more– and by unclenching say we end6

The Groin ache, and the thousand litres of piss7

That the bladder is full of. 'Tis a pleasure8

Devoutly to be wished. To relax, to unclench–9

To unclench– perchance to release: Ay, there's the toilet,10

For on that seat is a hole, overhanging a hundred feet of cliff.11

What cold winds blow up it, freezing all extremities.12

Must make us pause, there's no privacy,13

Who knows who is standing below looking up.14

For who would bear the smell of the crap on the seat,15

Th' un-oppressed gas, the proud mans burst gasket,16

The pangs of digestive tracts, delayed too long,17

The insolence of indigestion, and the gas,18

The impatient rumbling of th' laden stomach,19

When he himself might take a quiet leak,20

In a private toilet? Who would his bladder bear,21

To grunt and sweat till it's all out.22

But that the dread of having to go the tower,23

The undiscovered toilet, from whose depths24

No late night visitor returns, puzzles us all.25

And makes us rather bear those ills in our gut,26

Than run to other toilets of which state we know not?27

Thus fear does make cowards of us all,28

And thus the primal need to pee,29

has made our sheets damp to the touch,30

With this new problem, all thought goes awry,31

And lose the name of where to go – Soft you know,32

The toilet paper – Dunny, in thy decline,33

Be all my trips to thee remembered.

Author notes

Well, this was a random little thing I wrote awhile ago. Which I'll blame on: lack of sleep, (7 weeks with only 7 hours a night, and 11 hours of work a day, 6 days a week) a cold, a stuffed up brain, a bizarre sense of humour, boredom, and anything else. Haha. Anyway, It's better if you read the original as well, I've copied it fairly closely, so it might make more sense if you read the original. So here it is.

DoozerDan's the name.

To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

In a list

A contest entry

Nothing to ask here, except that you enjoy.

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Comments

100 - 109 of 109     < previous  1 2

  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    February 1, 2008

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    haha I dont know what to say about a piece like this lol. Its pretty hillarious =D. Thanks for entering and good luck.


  • Krazy Scott
    January 21, 2008

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    I can think of nothing to say that would do this justice....

    'Cept for 'damned funny', mate!


  • Meakalu
    January 18, 2008

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    TEHEHEHE

    Loved it. That woulda taken alota work. Nicely done though. I look foward to reading more of your work.

    Constructive critism................ Hmmmmmmmmm...................... I don't have any..... It was great.

    HUgs,

    Meaky

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • elfflower1989
    January 17, 2008

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    Lol, I liked this. You used the same words but then you didn't Changed the subject completely and made it funny instead of depressing. Bravo ^^


  • Dreams of Insanity
    January 16, 2008

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    Haha good thing I went to the bathroom BEFORE I read this. It made me laugh. I like Shakespear's work and what you did here...well I'm sure he's rolling in the grave, but I have a good sense of humor


  • Ninja Bubble
    January 15, 2008
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    I shant have have read this when I had to pee


  • EmeraldDreams
    January 15, 2008

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    This is wonderful! Its so clever. I love a lot of Shakespear, and this was brillantly done. To keep the humour up all the way through was a feat, and you managed wonderfully! Great piece, I enjoyed reading it.


  • Midnightmare
    January 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    lol it was pretty funny. i liked it.
    i dont really know what else to say other than your sense of humour sure is admirable, haha.
    A nice little piece here, well done.


  • ice wolf Greeters member
    January 14, 2008

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    This had me rolling on the floor in tears laughing. Great writing.


  • CactusJack silver member
    January 14, 2008

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    Well done

    I enjoyed this very much. Hamlet is one of my favorite pieces and to see a well-known and well used part twisted into 'to pee or not to pee'...brilliant! You should probably keep that hectic schedule as it appears to do wonders for your muse! keep writing.

    Jack

100 - 109 of 109     < previous  1 2