Cyberpaths: Emotional Vampires

Cyberpath: A sociopath with access to the internet.

Sociopath: A person who lacks empathy for others, and will take they want from them, while being unconcerned with consequences to others' lives and feelings.

When you think "sociopath", you think Ted Bundy, the Boston Strangler, Jack the Ripper. You think you couldn't possibly know anyone like that; surely it would be obvious!

Think again. No, really. Your emotional sanity might rely on it.

4% of the human male population is sociopathic.(Martha Stout: The Sociopath Next Door) That's one in twenty-five guys. By sociopathic, I don't mean just the killers or the rapists. I mean people who completely and totally lack empathy. They simply cannot relate to you as an equal, understand your pain or happiness, or get excited about your good fortune. And they certainly can't commiserate with you. You are their tools, their toys, their dolls.

Many sociopaths are narcissistic as well. They see themselves as perfect, and they will not tolerate anyone telling them or anyone else otherwise. They see themselves as better than we are, and being called to account by "lesser" people is abhorrent.

They will lash out at their attacker, using every tool at their disposal, seeming to be hurt, possibly even reduced to tears by the very thought that they could be so maligned. They may outright insist that their "attacker" is wrong, hateful, has it out for them, etc. Or they may take a more subtle route and compliment said "attacker" openly, while slipping in quiet, yet persistent, remarks that the respect only seems to go one way. One may develop into the other if the sociopath sees he is not getting the results he wants.


And they're not alone. Oh, no. They have an army. And that army is your friends.

A good sociopath is charming, a chameleon who will get everyone they meet into easygoing conversations, as we do with all our friends. But the sociopath is data-mining your words for information. If you're a target, he'll use the info (what you fear; the boy you like; you don't get along with your mom) that you share freely, and agree with everything you say so you'll think he supports you. Once you trust him, he'll start to change the tune a bit, slowly, and before you know it (because he does not WANT you to know--that's the point!) you're dancing to his tune and supporting and applauding him.

If you're not the sociopath's current target, then you're just cannon fodder. The sociopath gets you on his side, spinning bent stories about the victim he's currently after. How she's immature, arrogant, or vindictive. Maybe stupid, unaware and childish. And he'll have schooled her to silence, to trust only him, and not you. If she bursts out and accuses him of bad things, he's already programmed you and all your other friends against her. Who will you side with? The charming, calm, collected guy? Or the raging, crying, broken-hearted girl who's clearly one banana short of a bunch?

You'll side with him, and you'll probably enjoy taunting the victim with words the sociopath has put into your head about her. He's so incredibly happy right now, he's about to explode. He's not only made the victim love him/lend him money/praise his talents/sleep with him, he's gotten her friends under his control too, and when he's done stripping her of all her dignity, sucking every last ounce of self-respect from her, he gets her friends to turn on her so he can make his escape to his next victim.

And this time, it might be you. Too late, you'll see that the first girl was right all along, when she raged that he was a monster who was just using her. But your friends will be insulting you, calling you jealous, stupid and full of yourself.

Sociopaths do not think the same as the rest of us. They see us as objects to manipulate into doing their will. I'm not making this up; they look human, and I'm sure they'll make great organ donors, but they're just not the same in the head. Their sociopathy sets them apart; their lack of empathy turns us into the same sort of tools as you might find in a workman's tool box.


How does this work on the internet?

Very easily. There's a level of disconnect present in any internet interaction. We don't get to read the face or body language of the person we talk to; all we get is text and emoticons. This makes us feel slightly less connected, and we care less about what happens here. This leads to the occasional insult-fest you'll hear about, which probably would not have happened in person.

It also leads to the apathy of internet users. We see someone acting oddly, and we often ignore it, chalking it up to just another weirdo. After all, it's not like it affects RL, right? He doesn't live in OUR town or anything.

That apathy is where the cyberpath thrives. Few will take the time to look closely at his actions, to piece together the puzzle and see that it doesn't add up. When someone does cotton on to what he's doing (and it's usually someone who is not being manipulated at the moment--those people are specifically groomed by the cyberpath not to question him), the cyberpath retreats into the rules of the site he's on.

Cyberpaths are letter-of-the-law fanatics. They've memorized site rules, chapter and verse, and know exactly the limits they can go to in order to maintain their schemes. If there is any leeway in rule interpretation, they will naturally interpret it in their favor, and insist that this is the only way it should be interpreted when an action of theirs is called into question. After all, they're perfect, and their knowledge of the rules, often more exact than those of regular site users, only proves they're smarter, right? Surely they know best.

And if they say so loudest and most often, others should begin to be worn down and believe them. After all, such a propaganda tactic works for commercials and wars. And cyberpaths are a curious amalgamation of the two: selling a false image of themselves to you, so that once you accept it, they can make war on your humanity as they please.

How do they get this entrenched on a site in the first place? Cyberpaths know that they need protection, because they know people might eventually see what they're doing as wrong. They can't have that go unpunished, so they work up a little insurance against future problems when they join a site. They will insinuate themselves with the site moderators or owners in any way they can. The authority to punish or ban him must be predisposed to believe him over others as much as possible. They may send small gifts to the moderators at their own expense to buy this goodwill, or they may join sites that existing friends create, believing they'll be safest there.

Cyberpaths who are getting in trouble sometimes find refuge with other marginalized site members, using them to bolster their insistence on certain rule interpretations. Such people are nearly a ready-made army, already upset over a rule issue. It is simple work for a manipulator of the cyberpath's caliber to turn them into a force for his own ends.


And what are they after?

Not just the sex or murder that makes the news. They want power. If you're an object, they want nothing more than to wield you with skill, to accomplish their ends. They might want your love, respect and adoration (especially if they're narcissistic), they might want your money, or your body. Or they might just want to play with your emotions like a cat plays with a mouse. It's the CHASE. It's the GAME. They are players of the nth degree.

It's great fun to them to "stir the pot", as one cyberpath I met put it. To manipulate unsuspecting people into fights with each other by whispering different lies in their ears and then sitting back and watching it all unfold. They get their kicks off of playing with us. If we are all fighting with each other, they can easily tell themselves they are superior to all our petty ways, completely ignoring the fact that we wouldn't be fighting if not for their machinations.


Why do we fall for this?

Because we assume all humans are like us, that they have empathy, care for their friends and family, have concern for others' welfare. Who wants to be suspicious of everyone they meet? Don't we all want to live in a world where everyone is kind and caring to each other? Of course we do! And they use that against us! They fake the emotions they want us to believe in, and get real emotion in return. It's like taking a counterfeit $100 to the bank and getting five $20's in return. It's all profit to them!

And it's so much easier to get away with these things over the internet. Cyberpaths are just sociopaths who've taken their games to the computer age. They can lie all they want, and who's going to prove them wrong? Pictures, stories, there's no way to prove any of it is really them. They do not scruple to steal others' online info and pictures to create a false front for you to adore. One cyberpath used naughty photos of herself to entice men to chat with her and send her money, though she'd gained about 30 lbs since they were taken. Those who did flirt with her were made unwitting chubby chasers. You have only someone's word that any picture of them is accurate.

A cyberpath will join a site and start looking for victims. This is their hobby, and often their livelihood. Money scams, romantic scams, donation and rescue scams, these are done by cyberpaths. They look for people who are intelligent (and thus think they'll not be fooled easily), and upright. Good people anyone would want as friends. Cyberpaths want to feel good by association. And if they can eventually get you to look foolish, fight amongst yourselves, play their games, then they can look at your behavior and tell themselves that not only are they hanging out with good people, they're clearly better than them too.


How do you avoid getting suckered by cyberpaths?

Never give out personal information. That's an internet-safety basic. You can have a normal conversation that doesn't involve your phone number, high school name, and bust size.

Don't trust everything you hear from someone. Imagine they're painting you a picture. Maybe it's of a real person, maybe it's not. Until you know them very well, it doesn't need to matter. This mental distance gives you the chance to see if they're acting strange as time goes by. We'll get to that.

Normal people will chat about their lives pretty easily. Cyberpaths don't like to talk about themselves until they've heard enough about you to make their story appealing to you. They want to know how to spin things.

The best way to catch a cyberpath in action is to pay attention to his actions, more than his words. This is harder than it sounds. His words will be very persuasive and charming, or else persuasive and vindictive. It's hard to consider someone innocent after a cyberpath has accused them of some horrendous offense. They are masters of the persuasive voice.

A cyberpath builds a web, strand by strand, between his victim and the unsuspecting people around her. It takes time to build this web, and you won't necessarily be able to see it until time has passed, and things start to clash. And only if you're paying attention.

Cyberpaths lie by habit, to make themselves appear in a good light as often as possible. Their behaviors will seem appropriate at the time, but later, might not make so much sense. Over time, these incidents will start building up, and some will begin to stand out: they contradict.

A cyberpath was once confronted for her manipulations in live chat, by a 16 year old boy. She flirted heavily with every male on this site, but she didn't with him as soon as she learned he was underage. Cyberpaths know the law very well. She'd gotten her current victim (chosen because of the man's good character and morals, so she would feel good being around him) enraged at the boy by telling lies that he'd pressured her to cyber with him, and her victim attacked the boy with hateful messages. The boy came to the live chat and called the cyberpath on her actions. She acted terribly hurt and misunderstood, and accused her victim of taking things into his own hands. She protested that she thought such incidents should be handled by a site moderator, and continued to say so for a while afterward.

The next time her actions got her in trouble, it was handled through a site moderator. She received a warning, which on that site was a mere reminder to stick to the rules. She went ballistic. Her anonymous accusers were hacked to pieces in the forums by her cronies, who only heard her vicious opinion of them, and when one of the anonymous people was found out, she was mercilessly taunted and accused of having secret agendas. The best part? The cyberpath whined repeatedly that she wished the anonymous complainers had just come to her, instead of involving a site moderator.

You see the contradiction there? Everything is spun to the cyberpath's advantage. Eventually, cracks can be seen in that "perfect" image, though. It's inevitable, when your online existence is a collection of lies and spin.

The ultimate lesson is: be watchful. If you don't pay attention to small details, you might miss that someone is manipulating you and your friends. You might accuse a victimized friend of being a clingy, jealous bitch, because you didn't see her boyfriend for what he was. Or you yourself might get taken for the ultimate mind-ride, up and down, topsy-turvy, until you actually consider yourself to be crazy. (That's a favorite tactic of the cyberpath.)


When you know what he is:

Call him on it. Tell your friends. Use examples. Then stand firm while he insults you maniacally, because he will. He has to make you look bad and make himself look good, or he's lost it all.

Not everyone will believe you. Accept that now. They fell too far under his spell to believe your truth. Maybe they will later, maybe not. For now, focus on exposing his lies.

He's going to flip-flop. He'll attack you as an insane harridan one moment, and then shudder and cry with the horror of what your accusations have done to his poor fragile soul the next. These are his only two states of existence when accused. Why only two? It's the cyberpath mentality. It's not normal.

When a cyberpath realizes that the jig is up, he's been found out, people know he's faking, and only on the site to get stuff for himself, he'll leave. It's not worth his time to try and convince you to disbelieve the "vicious, hurtful lies" being told about him. It's much easier to go to another site, pick more victims, and start again. He'll also use you as a part of his next story, telling everyone there how you were so horrible and evil and don't go to that site ever. If they did, see, they might learn the truth about him, and he can't have that happening. It's crucial to his plan that his victims and those who know what he is never get to talk to each other.

When it comes to revenge from a cyberpath, there's little to fear if they don't know anything about you. This is why you shouldn't share your information blithely. That internet anonymity works both ways. Often, it isn't worth their time to seek revenge once they've been exposed. They simply don't care about you, remember? They'll go find other people to badmouth you to, but they probably don't want anything to do with you. After all, you know their secret. Dealing with you is playing with fire.


Guard your minds when you interact with others on the internet. If you don't know them in person, you actually have no idea who they are. One in twenty-five people is a sociopath. One in eight of those are female sociopaths. Many of them have computers. You do the math, and surf with caution.