Anorexia

I just read Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson and while my friend was reading beside me I went and did research. I looked and found so many pro anorexia websites that it scared me. Are we telling our young girls it's okay to be like this? One of the websites was actually "tips for moms". I saw that and wanted to cry. How can we subject young girls in society to this. I struggled with my weight for years. Always perfecting, always wanting to be thinner. I wanted to be the smallest girl I knew. Why, because all ballerina's were skinny. I wanted to be that small, I wanted to starve.
When I met my best friend I was about 16, and I weight 80 pounds. My skin didn't sit right on me, it was stretched thin and my skin was translucent no matter how much make up I wore. She saw me in my first round of rehab. We didn't really speak. She was there for drugs, and although drugs was a large part of why I was there, I also didn't eat. Two years later she saw me in a debate class. I was up to about 85 after more therapy and I was still in therapy when we met. The school insisted that I go at least twice a week to a counseling session and if I refused I was kicked out, end of story. She saw me in class and asked "Do you drink?" I was still on drugs and slightly strung out and the only answer I could give was "Like a fish" We immediately became great friends. We got drunk and went to a soccer game. I ate for the first time without puking that day. Well I puked once but she made me eat again. I ended up eating two cheeseburgers, a side of cheese fries and a chocolate milkshake. It may not seem like much but to me it was a huge meal. We started hanging out and due to the fact that we were complete opposites when it came to eating, I cooked for her too, about three meals a day. I went up to about 125 within my first 6 months knowing her. I am now healthy for my weight and just got into the military.
I hate seeing these websites. It pulls back old feelings. The fear of being fat, the fear of being judged and the victory of being skinny. I think to myself that later down the road I will be skinny again and then I fear that I will be anorexic again. I am scared that America's youth are back to being bullied into thinking skinny is beautiful. And I am scared that my children will get this disease from me and I will be punishing them for being born into my DNA line. I see my cousins running around I know my aunt fears that they will be bigger like her. She makes her kids go out and play and as her young daughter goes, I can hear the words forming on her lips "Am I fat?" I know that she will be so scared of getting that way that the consequences won't matter to her. Only being pretty will. I watched a friend of mine give into this disease and she was lucky she didn't die, we all were. I want to be thin sure, but the question always was how bad did I want to die? I've seen the skinny girls on the magazines and thought, "Why can't I be them"
I see the scars of anorexia everyday and I see it's consequences on my wrist. The cutting to make it easier to deal with loss of food. The cutting to ease the pain the my stomach. I cut to live, I cut to be thin. I saw the girls who went through this with me. There were countless blogs to help each other out. I wanted to eat, sure. I thought I was fat. I mean, I started this in the fourth grade when a girl called me fat, and it hurt, I mean really hurt. I stopped eating. I started again in the 6th grade but only every other day. 7th and 8th grade I ate, a lot. Then about freshman year, it hit again. I needed it, I wanted it, I was going to have it. I knew thin was good for me, I had done it before.
If any girls that are anorexic are reading this, please get help. Please please please. I've seen how it can tear up a home and worse yet, tear up yourself. I loved being thin, but I hate myself while I am doing it. I love myself more now than I did then. I've seen true beauty and I feel it everyday.
It took a girl wearing a bullet for my valentine hoodie and a cheeseburger to change my life. My best friend has helped me every step of the way. She likes me better now then she did then, why? Because I feel WELL because I am WELL. I speak out against eating disorders and I hope you will too.