The man that I love

just my thoughts on someone i love

I don't know if you believe in the idea that there is a soul-mate for every person, nor do I particularly care if you believe it. I think I happen to believe in it, because I think I've found my soul-mate.

Believe it or not, I met him on here. That's right, AllPoetry. More specifically, through a vampiric role-play, through out various groups like Elysium, Maryian Dynasty, Teleucha Morine... the groups that are long dead to my eyes, and will probably never be revived as to what they were when I first joined as Arcularis.

But I digress. The point is, I know that he's the one for me. I have yet to meet him in person, but I know he's who he says he is, I know he's honest and true.

The thing is, I don't think he realizes just how much I do love him. I don't think he realizes that if he were to leave me, to find another girlfriend, or even a fiancee that wasn't me, I don't know if my heart could take it. I seriously love him more than anything in the world, and it's so hard to make that fact known.

I've never felt in love like this with anyone, not even the couple boyfriends I have had. This is honest, true, deep love... love that goes on and on and never ends, no matter what he does.

He literally is my everything. My life. My light. My hope. My joy. My safety. You get the point, right?

And yet... because I feel this way... I fear so much that it's going to end, and I'm going to be left a broken thing that nobody could ever love. I keep trying to convince him that the fates are against us, which in a way they are... he's in the Navy, on the opposite side of the US from myself. And I don't have the money to be able to buy a plane ticket to come see him, to pay for a hotel, to pay for food... or taxi..or anything like that.

And I hurt because I feel as if I'll never bet to be held in his arms, to know that I'm safe, to know that he truly won't ever leave me... to know that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

But how can he love me, when I'm not what he thinks I am? I'm not that special, I just know how to listen to people and cheer them up. I do it all the time... I'm pimple/scratch/scar/pit faced.. my hair looks like shit half the time..

How can he love this ugly, unspecial creature that is me?

Love is so complicated... I will die if I ever lose him, that I know. It's because he holds my heart with his, and I his with mine... we both know that our hearts, in a small part, are one and the same.. but that's due to events that have happened, and I'm working to make him whole again. If he leaves me.. part of me dies. The most important part..the part of me that has the ability to be happy..and the part of me that feels emotions.

I wish I could tell him that he's so much more than I have ever told him he is to me. Two years we've known each other. Role play may have brought us together, but it is the real world that has made me love him for who he is today.

He's brave, handsome, kind, selfless, caring, gentle, and loving. He knows when I need his soft words, his reassurances. To know that when I push away is when I need him the most of all. He understands me like nobody has before. It's wonderful yet frightening at the same time.

I wish that fate would make me his wife...that I never lose him. This isn't a crush, this isn't a high school one time boyfriend type of love. This love I feel for this special man.. it's the deepest and most sincere type of love that there is. There's no strings attached, and it's unconditional. For even if he does leave me for another woman, even if he crushes my heart to dust, I will still love him because of who he is.

I wish he would see that.