They say life never really was life. Maybe that explains a bit of the terrible one I've been living. They say that you begin dying the moment you're alive and breathing. So I've been dying my entire life. So have you, and there's no denying it, which is reason to believe that this is why life - plainly, - sucks.
I loved butterflies when I was a child and was terribly put down to know that each butterfly only lives a few months. Think about this: How do you know when childhood ends? Do you ever know? Many say that it's when a child matures, which happens at different times for different people. I say different - I say it's whenever it's taken from you. And, sadly enough, mine was taken much too early - when I was the tender age of 5 years old.
You wonder how? Here's the beginning of the worst nightmare I could've experienced - life.
Ironically, it was a beautiful day, sun shining with no clouds to block it out. That beautiful day became a wonderful night, a warm breeze blowing, as I remember it. Fireflies everywhere... You could just inhale the beauty.
But not for long... Oh, not so.
I can't even remember the name of her murderer. It all went so quickly. I was walking home - just down the road from my kindergarten, as always to our house from school. Mom would be waiting on the front porch as usual, Dad still at work. I can just vaguely remember stopping with a halt upon not seeing my mother either standing in the doorway or sitting on the porch in the old rocking chair, eating almonds - her favorite. No... she wasn't there.
As quickly as I stopped, I broke out in a run. Probably faster than I've ever run in my life. Once upon the porch, I slowed and, panting and gasping for air, came to a desperate stop. The door was open. Mom hated leaving the door open. This was not right.
The next thing I knew, I was standing in the living room staring down at my mother's dead and bloodied body.
Dad found me rocking myself in a corner crying. Minutes afterwards police sirens filled my ears.
~*~
Not long after that happened, we moved from New York all the way to Florida. Dad said the sunshine would do us good.
Dad didn't deal with Mom's murder so well... He got so bad, in fact, that he had strange illusions that I was my mother... you can guess what this led to - sexual abuse - for 7 years until the glorious - and not so glorious - day that I ran away.
I found shelter and asylum within the organ chambers of a small and struggling church just at the edge of Fort Lauderdale, where I lived. A week and a day later, I was found out and, after many court affairs of which I did not understand at the age of 12, was taken into foster care while my father started serving his time in jail.
Foster care, I must say, was not a great experience for me. Because of insecurity that wasn't helped by any of the families, I was constantly running away and waiting to be found once more by the foster agency. I was the known "trouble child". In fact, I went through 64 foster families within a time period of 6 months until I landed in the family I've got - or had - from the age of 13 until the age I am now, 15.
I had one sibling at the time, two-year-old Thomas. He was the sweetest part of the family. Then there was my adoptive single dad. Sure, he loved me at first. But then he started hitting and hurting me - physically abusing me. It's like I went from a father who loved me too much to a father who didn't love me at all. Either way, I didn't win.
When I was 14, my adoptive dad got a slutty, young girlfriend, not much older than me, got her pregnant, and won custody after divorce of beautiful little Feather, my baby sister.
One night, almost a year ago, I was invited to a friend's party, a party that I expected would consist of a few giggling girls and chick flicks... Not so. There were guys there, too, many of which neither me nor my friend knew. One of the boys cornered me and, resulting in my baby, Heaven, I was raped.
When I went home, within the next week or so, I started to feel sick. Somebody suggested I take a pregnancy test. So, I did. Unfortunate at the time, it came out positive.
For the next few weeks, I avoided telling my adoptive father. Who knew what he would do? But eventually, I couldn't hide it anymore. I bravely faced him, telling him of the rape and of the baby inside my tummy.
He was not pleased with this and, as a result, beat me half to death and told me to pack and get out. I did so, hoping the baby was okay.
Thank god, my baby was fine. But now I had other problems - like, for example, finding a home. Residing at homeless shelters for the most part, I searched for a job and for a home in which to raise the baby.
When I finally found both a job and a home in which to board, which are hard to find at the age of 15 when all 15-year-olds have not even their permit and such.
Upon finding a place to stay, I began to prepare for the birth of the baby. My stomach began to swell, and Brandon, my wonderful boyfriend, was with me the whole day.
Then, July 1st (2 days early from my due date), just a week and two days ago, the big day came - during one of the few times I actually decided to go to church with the family I boarded with! I was rushed to the hospital and after 4 long hours of labor, my baby girl came into the world. She was named Heaven Leigh Lignen... Here is the meaning for her name:
Heaven was the middle name of my murdered mother. Leigh is the name of a close friend who helped me through a lot of hard times. She died in a car crash when I was twelve and not able to keep contact with her.
So, with some more columns, I'll keep you updated!
This is, as shown in the title, a short and brief memoir upon my life. Many of you wonder at the things I say sometimes. Well, here's your explanation to many things. I am not ashamed in saying any of this, but please - do not pity me. Yeah, maybe pray for me, but please no pity, for I've already cried enough for two lifetimes. I thought it might be helpful to know some of my background life so you can understand me when I say weird things - like about the fact that I've just had a baby, and I'm only 15. Yeah, I know - don't judge me either. I'll explain everything within the following.
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